Partner - computers - excessive use

[PippyRose]

Hi! First time posting. I could really do with some feedback from other women. I suppose I want to know if I'm overreacting. I'll try and keep it brief.
My partner is 43 (as am I). He spends almost all of his spare time (when not working) on his computer. He's on it 4-5 hrs pretty much every evening and 8-10 hours of a weekend. He does a bit in the house but very little else. He has no social life.
We occasionally go out for lunch as a family (we have two teenage sons) but other than that we do NOTHING together. He spends very little quality time with our sons and when he does all they do is talk about is computer games. They love computers too and my eldest is heading the same way as his Dad. This worries me.
I'm basically really angry with my partner about the amount of time he spends on his PC, I feel angry that he has normalised this behaviour for our sons and I am hurt and rejected by the fact he'd rather sit in front of a screen than spend time with me.
I have thought of leaving because I may as well be on my own. I have the odd night out with friends and go shopping occasionally but I must admit, I'm lonely in the house and I feel like I need more out of life. I do still love him but can't accept this behaviour anymore. He's done it for years now and I've had enough. If I talk to him about it, he tells me that it's just a hobby and a way to unwind and that I'm overreacting. I feel like I'm cracking up :(

I don't think you need to ask. You're not overreacting at all. If he does nothing with your children and very little around the house then that is totally unacceptable.

Dismissing you when you try and raise it as a concern is also unacceptable. He's telling you that he doesn't care what you think about it, he will do what he wants.

What do you think he would do if you asked him to leave?

Thanks so much for your reply. He wouldn't leave. But, to be fair I'm not entirely sure that's what I want just yet. I just need to get my head round the fact that it's not normal and it is a real problem. It's gone on so long I almost feel guilty for letting it get so bad.
If we split up, the kids would be devastated and I would feel terrible for wrecking the 'family'. I would be gutted too but I can't go on living like this forever. We never have family holidays or weekends away. I have (twice last year) dragged them on days out but even that makes me feel bad because I'm forcing them to do what I consider to be normal/fun things that other families do. To be fair, he did take them to the cinema a couple of times last year as well but I don't personally see that as 'quality time'. It's just leaving the house to go and sit in front of another screen! My family and friends don't think it's healthy and agree that our relationship is odd. They try and be supportive but I suspect deep down they think I should leave. Not because he is a bad person but because we don't want the same things out of life.
I suppose I just wanted to hear from people who can be objective and rational because they're not directly involved.
He is a kind man and I know he doesn't want to make me miserable but, I can't help the way I feel. I'm a sociable person who loves getting out and about. I want to see the world and experience life with my partner but he doesn't enjoy 'normal' things. I don't want to force him to do things I want to do either because that makes me feel selfish. Thanks again.

He doesn't strike me as particularly kind, given that he totally dismissed your concerns and tried to tell you that you were overreacting. And also given that he doesn't seem to want to do anything with you to demonstrate that he loves or even likes you!

You wouldn't be wrecking the the family, he is doing that by his unreasonable behaviour and his refusal to discuss it with you. I would make that clear to him, repeatedly. It is his behaviour that is unreasonable, not yours.

What do you want to do together in the evenings? What kind of quality time do you see him spending with your sons (and have you asked them if they want to spend it with their dad?). It does sound like he spends far too much time on his own, but you do then need to find something you both can enjoy together (or as a family) - sitting watching TV does not count - or he'll feel resentful and you won't enjoy his company anyway.

It doesn't matter what the OP wants to do, as her husband is refusing to accept he's being unreasonable, won't discuss it and certainly won't change what he does as he considers it his "hobby".

The point is that all of the time he is not at work is spent silently playing computer games. He's not interacting with his wife or his two children. He's opted out of adult life and out of his relationship.

Thanks for the replies.
I would really love it if we could find some common ground to start enjoying each other's company again during the evenings/weekends. Anything I suppose; board games, cards, bowling etc. He simply doesn't enjoy these things. When we first got together, we socialised a lot and even went on holiday! He's become more reclusive and introverted over the years. I don't think he's depressed or anything. He just loves computers; programming, gaming, reading stuff on the net etc. The problem is, that's all he enjoys.
The boys do want to spend time with him (especially the youngest). Sometimes I feel like he's crying out for attention from him.
The problem is that even if he did come off his computer and engage a bit more, I would know that he was doing it under duress and that he'd rather be on his computer than spending time with me/us. That is what gets to me most. I don't want to spend time with someone who'd much rather be doing something else. Sometimes when I talk to him I know he's wanting me to finish talking so he can get back to his screen. I play second fiddle to a bloody computer. Fed up.

He's opted out of your relationship. He's unsocial. On computer looking at other people's lives instead of living his own. Counselling may help, jointly and then by yourself. Would he even attend counselling to resolve his screen addiction though? He's not interested in real life. You say you don't want to leave and split the family but sadly, he's already left you and your family, he's not interested. He's told you your thoughts on this don't matter, it's his hobby.

I'd be far more assertive in your shoes. & stop insulting kind men by calling this man kind. No, he isn't - he's rude, and boring. Ask him to restrict screen time and interact in family life instead of watching other people's lives and thoughts via a screen. No need for a long intense conversation about it, he knows the deal. If it doesn't work then he leaves, not you.

Is he playing on World of Warcraft? I know of a distant friend of a friend who had spent a whole year ( as in 24hrs x 365 days) of time on this game.

He values his virtusl friends much higher than his family. He has the ability to stop and go to work so I think that you need to give him and ultimatum as a compromise and follow it through.

I think it was World of Warcraft for a while and I've heard that can be addictive.
Thanks for your advice. I know we're not in a good place. When he's not actually on the computer, he's funny, affectionate and supportive, I have always insisted that we at least eat dinner together and it is then that I see the real him but after dinner, he's straight back on his computer. He works hard and he is decent but I think he has an addiction. As soon as he wakes up in the morning, he picks up his iPad to play games.
As you say, I think I'm going to have to give him an ultimatum. I have done in the past but never saw it through.
It's me and the boys or his screens. Mistress, maybe you're right, counselling might help. I'm going to look into it. Not sure if he'll be on board but I'll give it a go. I am prepared to try if it will get us anywhere but if not, I think I have to accept we have no future. If he's only happy in front of a screen then I will leave him to it and go and live my own life. Sad, but not as sad as going to bed alone every night when he's in the next room sat at a computer.

has he always been this way?

because if he has, and you knew this when you met him, I'm wondering whether he even thinks he needs to change if you've given him ultimatums in the past but not seen them through (if you see what i mean)

He's always been 'into' computers. He works with them. However, when we met he was nowhere near as bad. It was just something he did if there was nothing else going on.Just something he enjoyed doing occasionally. I had no idea it would get to this :/

you said something interesting earlier about you getting your head around it - I think your problem here is getting his head around it. It's an addiction and I think your main issue is trying to get him to see what has happened to your relationship

it is so so so easy to slip into this life

I think there are a number of things you need to point out to him - very honestly - about where your relationship is, how much you would like to go out with him etc. etc. Start with small changes - I know it sounds 'twee' but a date night once a week where you go to a restaurant and you both commit to not looking at your phone. A night at the theatre where you can't etc. etc.

but I also think something else you mention that is very key is getting him to understand that his lifestyle is NOT something you want your sons to replicate. That is also very key!

I think ultimatums are dangerous things - you need to work together to sort this out - I'm not saying this is your issue (it isn't at all!) but you clearly still love him and it will probably take some time to sort out!

Ha ha the irony is I'm sat at my computer complaining that he's always on his! The difference is, everyone else is still asleep and I will be going out with the boys this afternoon.
I think you're spot on Sam. It's the impact on the boys I need to think about. Sadly, my eldest already seems a bit lost to computers. He's 17 and so I can't really be dictating how he spends his time. However, he is doing well at school, has friends and will hopefully grow out of it.
I am going to have a serious chat with him when I get in later. Thanks to you all for helping me out.

As usual on a post about computers or computer games, there are a few people who just cannot appreciate that this is as much an adult activity as any other - putting hobby in "quote marks" doesn't mean it isn't actually a hobby.

From your last post, it does sound as though there is a danger you might be leaning the same way. You say your 17 son is becoming "lost to computers" but hopefully will "grow out of it" - it would be far more unusual if he didn't play computer games and the chances are he will be doing so for the rest of his life.

Don't be sidetracked - the issue here isn't that your DH is spending his time playing on his computer, it's that you believe he is spending too much time on his hobby and not enough on you or your kids. The worst thing you could do would be to belittle his choice of hobby - this will only make him more defensive and less likely to see your side of things. Instead you have to focus purely on the amount of time he is spending and the impact that is having on the other members of the family and specifically you. He needs to appreciate how unhappy it is making you, cut down the time he spends on his own and agree to find some things you can both enjoy together.

We try to have screen free nights as a family.. everyone was resistant to start with but soon enough we got into playing games together, reading or just hanging out. Also we have a no screen till after tea, homework, tidy up etc

Same as Devendra, restricted screen time until chores are done or for a specified time over the weekend or days off.

Hubby was resistant to the changes for a while as didn't think it was as bad as I made out had to get friends and family to tell him so he recognised it wasn't just me.

Been 3 years and can still see the pull of games when he's had a couple of days off but I just say it's not going to happen until all work is done then he is free to play as much as he wants.

@Notthemessiah I work in IT and play computer games. The reason "hobby" was in quote marks is because it is ridiculous to say that hobby time is all evening and all weekend, week in week out. It may have started as a hobby, but now it's being used as a way of avoiding responsibility towards his children and his partner. Nothing to do with belittling computer games.

I game a lot and will admit when I had gone off DH I really did spend a few months gaming too much. It's a great way of avoiding your partner. Whatever you do don't say stuff like grow out of games about your dc because if you say that in front of your DH you will be belittling his hobby. They may indeed just do it when teens or they may remain gaming forever.

Focus on why he doesn't want to spend time as a couple.

You need to really lay it on the line don't go in criticising the gaming point out that you don't spend time together and that fact hurts your feelings. Push the focus on that rather than the gaming. I say that as someone who gets irritated by people criticising gaming. What you want is an honest discussion about why he prefers to spend his time without you and however painful it needs to be honest.

This ended a relationship for me. It was either that or smash his iPad.

OP my XH was like this. I came up with various ways of spending quality time together like going for lovely walks etc but come the evening he was glued to his PC. When I asked if we could play a board game together he said he didn't want to or accused me of watching too much TV. He could never accept that I only gave up and switched the TV on because he was in the study. He then announced he'd spend time with me in the lounge... having bought a laptop to perch on his lap in the lounge... "with" me . Anyway he finally took up a non-computer hobby, met OW there and we parted. Hand on heart I think he used the computer to quietly opt out of me.

Don't waste your life hoping he'll change. If he wanted to he would.

DeegeeDee - hope you're talking about your DC being the one who doesn't get to go on his computer until all the work is done, and not your DH!

AssassinatedBeauty - fair enough, sorry - it was more the way you said he had 'opted out of adult life' that made me think you might view computer games as childish. It does annoy me that it's still seen as acceptable to ridicule adult computer gamers despite the sheer numbers who actually play games.

Well I did something I didn't intend to do today and I showed him this thread. I left him alone with it to read properly and have a good think.
We had a good chat and.......he's not going to go on his computer for a month (his idea!) Then, from Feb he's only going to go on it when I'm out of the house. We've just been out to B&Q to buy paint and we're going to decorate the front room tomorrow. This is something I have been nagging about for ages. We are all going to cut back on screens and focus on spending quality time together. He said that it had all just become habitual and there were no avoidance issues. He hadn't realised how out of hand it had got and how it had affected me.
I honestly wasn't belittling gaming or suggesting it's something men should have grown out of. It was as Notthemessiah said, it was the time he spent on it, not the actual hobby itself. I'm partial to the odd game of Pacman myself!
Anyway, I am feeling really optimistic about everything. I think this thread and all of your posts really helped him to understand what a problem it had become. Cheers :)