How can I help my friend leave her alcoholic husband.

[hopefuel]

Just got off the phone to my friend who's husband is an alcoholic. She was really upset as he's very drunk and causing a lot of arguments and disturbance. This has been going on for a good 5 years!

When he's sober he seems nice enough and she's told me he is lovely when he's not had a drink. Problem is he drinks everyday.

I've begged her to leave him many times but she seems to think the children are better off living with him. They obviously aren't as they are frequently upset and scared of him. Her 8 year old dd had a sleepover with mine and told me she is frightened when daddy slams the doors after he's drank his beer. That really worried me. This was said when it was windy and our kitchen door slammed shut.

Is there anything I can do to help her escape this mess? I would happily let her and dc stay with me temporarily whilst she found somewhere to live but I know she will end up living back with him. He owns the house so he won't leave. I've asked her many times if she wants to stay with him and she always says the same thing, he's fine when he is sober!

I just really want to help her and her dc.

Unfortunately, you can't. You have offered her your support and she doesn't want it. Next time she wants a shoulder to whinge to, you need to step back. Tell her you can't continue to be the person she offloads to if she won't make the necessary steps to protect her children. Tell her you have grave concerns that she is damaging her children and that you will do your best for them (even if she won't). Concentrate on what you can do for the children. She won't see sense til she's ready - and that may be never. Repeating yourself will make no difference and will start to affect your mh.

You can’t. My friends tried telling me to leave but familiarity , routine and fear kept me there. The day i told him I was leaving he said don’t go I can change all with a can of lager in his hand. I made the right decision. This man needs to want to change and your friend may leave when she wakes up like I did. You can be there, listen and offer advice. It’s difficult with having children though.

I kept telling my friend he is bloody useless and pointing out how he was drunk and shit.

I also helped her plan her get out plan, told her how financially she could move that, sell this etc. I helped her see how it could work financially and physically.

I also after a particular recent spat of his shit drunkenness (that she would eventually forgive) said "you staying with the kids is now not his fault it's yours, you are continuing to allow this crap, it's on you"

Just keep listening, supporting her and being a good friend.

I think the kids is your best route. She won't see what he is doing to her but you might be able to hit home the impact on the kids. She could go to al-anon to get ideas and support.

There is nothing you can do. I speak as a child in an alcoholic family. My mother would threaten to leave, & a few times she did take us away from the home, for a few hours... but she always brought us back & stood up for him. He's a good man, works hard, he deserves a drink, something for himself, etc etc.. I was a rare child who actually wanted my parents to split up. She ended up joining him in the drinking. I don't consider I had a childhood at all. She NEVER left him, even after we were grown up, even after he was caught in bed with a 97 year old woman who had been plying him with alcohol. I SHIT YOU NOT!

Mum died less than a month after her 65th birthday. Dad hit rock bottom after that & ended up in a care home in his early 60's. He is now 71& is still here, after suffering a brain injury a year ago he barely drinks & doesn't smoke. Its very odd. He is still the same person in some ways & depends on me a lot, because im the only idiot willing to put up with him. Not that he deserves it, but I try to focus on the fact that it is an illness & nobody chooses to be like he is/was. Its crazy that I finally got what I wanted at the age of 44 & its too little too late. To a huge extent, he/the illness has ruined my life, but then I feel thankful that I still retain the link with mum, who I miss so much!

All you can do is be there for your friend, & support her & the kids as much as possible. Make her fully aware that if she ever decides to leave that you will support her 100%.