DH needs help, refuses it

[MyLeftButt]

DH was sexually abused as a child. He used to deal with it by being almost permanently stoned. Things came to a head a few years ago when he started to get aggressive and violent when he ran out. Things like throwing a chair at my head and smashing the children’s things up.
The ultimatum was he either stopped the weed or he lost me and the children. He stopped smoking it.

Fast forward 7 years and Since being straight, he’s gone from being in a shitty job to having a career with good prospects. We’ve expanded our family too. He’s not been violent, or aggressive once.
Then this last year he started to unravel a bit, but managed to get it together again. Right up until someone sexually assaulted one of our children. It wasn’t anyone at home or connected to the family, just a terrible, terrible thing. It’s destroyed both of us. Problem is that DH has been in a state since as it’s obviously triggered things for him.

He’s drinking heavily. Since Xmas eve he’s for through 6 litres of neat gin and whisky and that’s the stuff I know about. On top of that he’s smoking weed again. He’s run out and is being awful.

He won’t talk to me about it. He refuses point blank to go and talk to someone else and work his way through this and deal with the abuse that happened to him as he says talking won’t help and he’s dealing with it.

Yes, maybe he is dealing with it, but in n incredibly destructive way where he’s ok pissed and stoned, but horrendous when not. I refuse to put me and the children through this, but I love and want to support him.

How the hell do I get him to get some professional help before he ends up at the bottom of the slope again?

Ask him to leave temporarily just until he's sorted himself out. Ask around for some counselling recommendations. Always good to get a personal recommendation and get him booked in ASAP. Tell him it's non-negotiable if he wants to move back in.
Sending
It's sounds like a really shitty situation for everyone and the sexual assault on one of your children is something I would also struggle to deal with.
The bottom line is he has to act as an adult and be responsible for his own health. A bit of space away from the family may enable him to focus and get that sorted..
he's sorted it out before so fingers crossed he can dig deep and sort himself out again.

I refuse to put me and the children through this, but I love and want to support him.

What you are actually doing is that you are both putting your children through this.

Children come first. He has to go until he is sober again. Your children need to see that's how it works addiction.

He isn't going to change until he is ready. You can't make him be ready. You can make him reap what he has sown by kicking him out. Hopefully that will be enough for him to get sober again. However, he health and well-being is secondary. Children and you come first.

If he is being destructive or has brought drugs into the house with the children then you need to call the police. The children need to know this is how one deals with violent addicts no matter how much you love them because you love them so much.

I appreciate the sentiment RunRabbit, but it’s not quite reached that stage yet. They’ve not witnessed him being violent as he’s not been violent around them - the chair incident was before the youngest were born and when the eldest weren’t there. That elicited the ultimatum last time. He’s been moody and argumentative with me at the moment and I want to nip it in the bud as I can recognise the possibility of it going that way if it carries on - which is why he needs to get help.

As for kicking him out. I’m dealing with the aftermath of a SA on a child. Dad disappearing right now is going to make that a whole load worse,

I need to find a way to get him to go and speak to someone about the abuse and that’s what’s at the bottom of it all. Anything else is a sticking plaster.

How old is he?

He’s in his 50s.

I just wanted to sympathise with everything going on.

This must be a terrible trigger for your DH.
...I hope things get better for you all.

I'm really sorry about what's happened to your DC and your DH in the past. I don't have advice, just thoughts:

• when is he normally most receptive to you? what works when you need to influence him?
• could you go to therapy together to discuss how you parent through this and that may ease the way in for him? or even go to family therapy?
• would he consider online therapy to start with or reading a book or writing his feelings out in a private journal? (other ways to start processing)
• if talking is not for him at the moment, are there other things he might try that might help him manage his feelings or express them differently: exercise, massage, a martial art, mindfulness
• can you make something good of his past experience by asking what would have helped him/didn't help etc and drawing on this to support your DC?
• have you spoken to childline?

Wishing your family the best. Don't forget to look after you too x

At a rough calculation in the time era that the abuse happened to your DH a lot of children were not believed when they spoke out about having been abused. He may need told that things are different now.

If he keeps up the self destruction and the destruction of your relationship and disturbing your children's lives his abuser is succeeding all over again to wreak havoc on DH.

He has to speak out. I hope the DC is receiving help and that the legal processes are being taken seriously. You must protect the DCs no matter what.

Yes our DC are getting support and I can access it too. I’ve asked him if he’d consider speaking to someone but the answer is always no.

When all of the stuff with JS and that shower or bastards came up, he struggled, but I reckon there were a lot of people around his age who thought they’d dealt with it who had wounds opened by that.

It’s all such a mess. He resents me sometimes for saying no to his smoking as he feels it’s a harmless way of dealing with it. It’s not though. Being with someone permanently stoned was no way to live either.

It’s hard going. I cry a lot about what’s happened to our DC and I’ve not even got his baggage to deal with.

Maybe telling him that going to the therapist is about how to help his child not about how to help himself.

Go see someone together to talk about how to best help your child. What can you both do to support the child.

I expect the therapist will identify your DH's self-medication. God knows it must be a fairly common reaction. So you all would end up discussing how the drinking and weed don't help him to support his child in this time of greatest need.

If that leads him to get help for his past abuse, that's great, if it only helps him decide to get sober again then that's also a good outcome.

I’m sorry but this has gone on for far too long for nipping it in the bud. As devastating as your H’s abuse was, you can’t let his destructive way of medicating his issues affect your children. How long before he seeks out his old weed comfort blanket again? He’s one excuse away.

The line between supporting someone and enabling them isn’t that thin, he needs professional help because his way of ‘dealing’ with it will kill him in the end and blight his family in the process.

I learned that my Ex (after he became my Ex was sexually assaulted when he was very young), not talking about it for so bloody long never helped. As much as I feel sorry for the younger him, I can not and will not, let the destructiveness of his childhood trauma be an excuse for his appalling adult behaviour.

He is ultimately responsible for the management of his MH and his history and current behaviour demonstrate that substance abuse is his preferred option. You can not stop his downward spiral but you don’t have to witness it either.

If he's turned to self medicating he allowing the abuser to 'win' and still control his silence. By just beginning to talk to an experienced Counsellor he will begin to take back the power for himself and all affected by his dysfunctional actions. Here's one person willing him to take the power back. 💐

I’m going to try talking to him again tonight. He didn’t sleep well last night as he didn’t drink at all as he had work today. I’m hoping that now he’s back at work and has structure to his day he’ll carry on reigning it in.
I spoke to a colleagues mine today about help locally. I think that the idea of asking for joint therapy for both of us may work as then he can rationalise that he’s doing it for me, rather than accepting weakness on his part.

I do understand the point about enabling, and you’re right that our welfare is important. However, I’m not prepared yet to walk away from a long marriage which has taken a huge knock with what happened to our child when I know this relapse is reactive and that he needs help.

If he won't get help for abuse, he should go to aa or an for support with substance misuse? Many ppl self medicate trauma.
Alanon would help you too. Best wishes to you all.

Narcotics anon

Good luck with your quest. X