Why can't I cope with this?

[LapsedPacifist]

Happy New Year ladies. I would really appreciate some hand-holding.

STBEXH told me he wanted a divorce last May (married 15 years, together 18) and made plans to move out immediately, but due to financial difficulties (his) and health problems (mine) he didn't actually leave our home until last October. I found evidence in June that he was seeing someone else, but he completely denied it saying I was insane and delusional and was adamant he was only leaving because I'm a dreadful abusive person. He spent the next 8 months telling me I have Narcissistic Personality Disorder and am incapable of feeling normal human emotions or caring about anyone other than myself.

2 weeks before Xmas He phoned me up, very drunk, and confessed he had joined a dating site early last year and had been seeing someone since last April. The relationship had just broken up and he was wallowing in self-pity. Everything I had suspected was true, and everything he had been telling me was a lie. The shock was devastating - I could deal with him falling for someone else, but he actively went looking for and started a new relationship before even telling me he wanted a divorce.

I'm trying to process the realisation that the cruel and humiliating treatment, verbal abuse and rages I endured before he actually moved out were entirely his choice. We had the option of separating in a civilised fashion, but he chose the most destructive and vicious way to do it, and tried to destroy my sanity into the bargain.

The marriage has been grim for years. DH suffers from MH issues including a major anger management problem and severe mood swings, he is verbally abusive and controlling and our friends and family are aware of this. I had counselling for a year before DM died and was eventually told I didn't need therapy, just a good divorce lawyer.

So WHY am I such a mess? I've been posting on MN for years and REALLY SHOULD know better. Everyone is telling me 'Good Riddance' - and that I should be delighted to discover I was right all along. But I've really lost the plot these last 3 weeks, can't eat, my business is going down the pan and I'm just about to put out a huge Post-Xmas Recycling Bin of Shame. Poor DS has had a weepy, pissed-off and frequently pissed DM to deal with during his uni break. I must to pull myself together, I have to see solicitors later this week to organise a house sale and kick off divorce proceedings. The thought of having to re-hash this sorry saga in further counselling fills me with despair and self-loathing.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low, Lapsed. You've had a huge amount to put up with, you've been treated abominably by your STBX, and this time of year is always very stressful.

Of course you're a mess. He's been lying and manipulating and gaslighting you for years, he has anger issues and mood swings, and you've been tiptoeing around him for years. You need time and help and counselling to find your way out of this horrible place you're in, and there's no shame in that. In fact, it's really strong of you to recognise what a mess you've been mixed in, and to acknowledge that you want help.

I think you're brilliant. You are going to be fine. Just give yourself the space and time you need to get there. Try to eat; try to focus enough on your business to keep it ticking over; call in any favours you can to make that happen. Stop beating yourself up for being human and fallible, and start congratulating yourself for being a bit of a superwoman for coping so well for all this time.

Things will be better. They will. You can do this.

Thanks for your kind message OnTheRise. I'm aware that compared to many women in my situation I''m incredibly fortunate - STBEX is still contributing to household bills until this place is sold. But when someone has been messing with your head for years it can be difficult to get perspective, even when family and friends are being supportive.

You're right, it can be very difficult to get that perspective. That's where some sort of counselling comes in.

It's true that you have a better life than many other women. But it's also true that you have a much harder life than many other women. Try to stop justifying and excusing, and start being more honest about how things are and what went wrong. And sort out some counselling for yourself, it can be really helpful.

Good luck OP!