I can't control my anger

[RageAgainst]

I really, really don't know what to do.

I'm so, so angry all the time and literally anything can trigger it.

It's been building over Christmas. DP worked nights up until 28th. I wasn't totally alone as stayed with family with DD but there was something so isolating about it, especially as my DM and I don't get on very well at the best of times.

Today I have boiled over like never before and I cannot stop my rage. Since he finished work DP has been sloth like, moping around with his hood up, barely engaging in conversation with me and just bawling at DD.

Today, we decided it was time to get all DDs new toys tidied away. We have a small house and hardly any storage. DD has a lot of toys. I suggested we throw away toys that aren't used anymore and he sneered at me saying I was just making more mess and stuff just needed to go away.

I just lost it and when I say lost it just exploded. I was tearing at my hair, screaming in frustration, throwing things, etc. I wasn't violent but I scared myself with the force of my rage. I feel like DP doesn't listen to me and I feel like we should both be enjoying life with DD but instead I'm stuck in an endless cycle of drudgery where I'm either waiting for him to be off nights or watching him sleep/mope. On top of this we have another one on the way as I am pregnant.

My rage is not proportionate and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stop it, or get DP to listen to me (he is never wrong and my anger backs this up), or to feel okay in my own skin.

Please can someone help me because I'm actually terrified of myself.

My anger comes through not being listened to.

Any fears or anxieties I express are waved away by my DH. If I say the sky is blue he will doggedly argue that it's pink until the cows come home.

He works nights and has every other week off. I do all the cooking and cleaning every week, take DD out to keep her quiet at the weekend so he can sleep, etc. When he's off (like tonight) he lounges in the sofa, hood up, eyes rolling into the back of his head like he's the tired way man in the world (he's done no more than anyone else today, FYI)

But I cannot argue with him. I'm wrong wrong wrong and I think this is where this boiling point comes from because I argue my point and he pokes and prods me until I explode.

You need to leave him

I would hazard a guess that your anger levels would dramatically decrease if you were no longer with your partner. I know mine did. It was like magic, the moment I got him out of the house, all my rage and anger melted away. Which was remarkable because like you, I had A LOT

You are angry because you are married to a cockwomble.

You know the situation you and DD live in is the root of your anger.

Fix the situation and the anger will be fixed.

I would also be livid in your situation. Though I wouldn't stay in your situation to be angry. I would be single.

Your partner is a wanker by the sounds of it, I've been there and my rage dropped significantly after I threw him out.

I think more rage is actually called for not less! You are holding so much in until it explodes like a volcano and you're out of control.

Use that rage constructively. Stop arguing with him. Lay your cards calmly on the table. He steps up as a father and a partner or he fucks off. Get ducks in a row

I lightheartedly posted on here a couple of days ago about wanting to murder my OH over the Xmas period as he has had 3wks off work and we have been together constantly over the Xmas period. I joked about it but deep down it has completely pissed me off to the point of feeling really low today. I am also so angry and irritable a lot of the time but realise it is only around him, he lays on the fucking couch constantly (hood up) falling asleep only a few hours after he has got up for the day, acts like he is the most tired man in the world (he only works 9-5) never goes anywhere, doesn’t seem to have any kind of life outside these 4 walls, only time he has been out in weeks is to walk the dog. His presence just fills me with rage. We also have a young DS and he thinks he has done things during the day as he has played with his son 🤔
I am back to work tomorrow, then when I finish on Wednesday he goes back on Thursday and I cannot wait to have a few days with just me my boy and the dog.
I feel your pain!

I've said several times today that I'm done and I'm moving out.

Our whole world revolves around him. If he wants to do something, he arranges it and we do it. Everything is 'important' to him. Yet if I make plans that don't fall exactly right then I'm not able to organise anything.

On his days off when DD is in nursery he goes to play golf.

We've had row after row about the share of chores, how he controls everything, always contradicts me etc. He apologises but nothing changes.

You're right. I should leave him, nothing is ever going to be any different.

Please stop telling him you're done and moving out if you aren't going to follow through. He will think you are a joke who doesn't mean a word you say.

Please leave. It'll be the best thing you've ever done for you and dc. Imagine not feeling rage every day? Just imagine it. You will feel like you are floating on air.

Just leave him, I should leave mine and have been so close so many times. I control my rage by withdrawing and getting really low which is just as unhealthy as losing your shit! DS loves his dad and I’d feel awful breaking up the family so instead I just minimise my feelings and emotions and crack on with it.

Notslept, you sound very similar to me

90% of the time I hold it all in and withdraw. I've had 2 pretty severe breakdowns this last year, one ending in a suicide attempt.

It's not all to do with him, my rage comes from other places too. I think the over boiling comes down to being pregnant and not having a great handle on my emotions. But it still doesn't make for great reading.

I'll often say I'm leaving in anger and you're right it makes me look full of shit and not going on my word. I have said very calmly though that I'll be saving my next couple to pay for a deposit on a house.

He told me I'm not taking DD anywhere. I assured him I was.

Am I the only one thinking your hormones play a big part i feeling like this? I’m not saying there isn’t a problem but the uncontrollable rage to me sounds like pregnancy. I was a lot more irritable when pregnant, doing things that I don’t normally (pouring coke over the windscreen of a car that blocked mine in and other silly things).

Oh yes the good old ‘your not taking my son’ I’ve had that one so many times I can’t remember! It’s bullshit.
Hope whatever you decide it all works out for you

Ask him to do some chores. Like this: Will you cook dinner tonight please?
Or: Could you put some washing on/do the hoovering?
Don't give in to the rage or it will make you seem like the unreasonable one. Don't have those conversations - just keep it specific.

He told me I'm not taking DD anywhere. I assured him I was.

This bit says more than all your posts together. Basically he doesn't give a shit if you leave or go. Just DD, and that's because he knows he can control you with that.
No wonder you're angry, you're trapped with a twat that doesn't care or listen and have nothing to look forward to.

@warkford and when he says no?

op I am sure there may be other things going on as you are pregnant. I hope you have some professional help given your history of breakdowns. I just wanted to say though that I completely understand the not being listened to and the prioritising of his needs and ideas and what that I can do to you. I also had with my STBX and it really badly affected my mental health.

I stayed with him in this situation with 2 DC (it seems to crystallise after the D.C.) for 6 years and just became angrier and angrier - the being told I was wrong and the minimising made me feels so frustrated as if I would explode. Then it started to turn to believing him and feeling like I was some me unreasonable, crazy person ( I also had PND).

He has now left me. It is incredibly hard and devastating but at the same time I have felt a massive wave of relief. When it is just me and the D.C. the house is calmer ( although I am thinking I need to do some work to stop the pattern on anger and frustration I now had). I wish I had had the strength to leave myself earlier. I feel sad that my D.C. have had a frustrated and angry mother the last few years.