people pleasing/DH's family

[chocorosco]

DH's family like to cram a lot into their days to the point it actually exhausts them and makes them ill! When we stay with DH's family this way of life is thrust onto us and it makes me physically and mentally ill. DH lives quite chaotically, drives himself to the brink of burnout regularly and I have to remind him to reduce his load and get some sleep!
We have DC's and our time with DH's family (and DH) means that mealtimes, bedtimes, nap times are thrown into chaos and we end up having to deal with overly-tired, ratty and hungry children much of the time when we stay with DH's family.
I speak to DH about trying to keep DC's routines (loosely) in place etc, about us not doing too much but as soon as we're there, he gets sucked in and I'm left feeling like I'm in a whirlwind. I don't feel I can say anything as I just feel like a miserable kill-joy but it is way too much.
This time, DC'S and myself have been poorly recently and we were already wiped out before we arrived. DH knew I needed a bit of rest and that DCs needed a bit of routine as a result, but he gets completely sucked in to pleasing the rest of his family and I end up people pleasing whilst actually feeling dreadful.
I've come home feeling very ill and exhausted, DC's are the same. Had a huge argument with DH about the chaotic days with his family and of how they cause us all to feel stressed and ill, but I know the next time will be exactly the same!
The odd day is fine to deal with but a few days on tip of being physically I'll and with young DCS has driven me over the edge and no doubt will again. I'm back in work tomorrow and I feel awful.

Is it time I stop people pleasing around DH's family and begin speaking out? I know it won't go down well and I'll be considered a pain, but what else can I do?

Bumping up

What sort of things do They do?

Hi OP,what on earth is a day with the pils like,as in what do they do in a day to cause such mayhem?it's hard to advise not really understanding the problem

Stop worrying about your own feelings. Be the kill-joy. Totally own being the grinch. They will roll their eyes and mutter about how you spoil their fun. Own it. That's how you will be seen in their family. Ham it up a bit to help DH when he says No we can't do X. You know what choco is like!

End result is you get less of their crazy schedule. Win.

If you are a people pleaser then you might be pleasantly surprised at how liberating it feels to deliberately choose to give no fucks about being the "bad-guy" they bitch about.

Thanks... there is no way to really discuss the nature of the chaos without outing myself so I will need to keep it vague. I think that, because I get on well with SIL and BIL, I often don't want to aggravate them by being the pain who says "DC needs to eat by x time otherwise she'll be a nightmare" " DS needs to nap right now so no we can't do X" "if we're going out for dinner then we need to go now and be back for x time for DS to go to sleep." And I would have to be constantly harping on like this the whole time.
I'm aware that I have a bigger problem with DH not taking responsibility for what his family needs when in the face of his parents and and siblings. He will just completely float along with whatever they say and do. I'm very frustrated with him. As chaotic as he can be at home, he always prioritises DC's needs, but I feel we're left to cope when we're around his family for the sake of pleasing everyone else.

Do it. Only way. Chaotic people are often happy to have someone else organise them.

Take picnicky food for dcs so you can feed them at the right time. Can you stay at a hotel near by so you can leave?

There's a good chance that once he sees you insisting on your essential routines without the sky falling in then he will find it easier to back you up.

He has spent a lifetime doing things their way. That will be hard for him to change. Much easier if you go first and he catches up.

People being mildly aggravated won't spoil a good friendship. Good fences make good neighbours is true in families too.

Fab saying run rabbit!

This would piss me off too. I became the grinch on a couple of occasions in similar circumstances and even had family members tell me that my child 'controls me' as a result of it. Didn't care though - they weren't the one dealing with the ramifications of what happens when an already irritable baby/toddler/small child doesn't sleep enough etc.

Also this will get easier as the kids get older - remember that.

We spent a lot of time with sil bil and kids when ours were small. They had dc same age. Sil always insisted on bedtimes food etc be the same as home as the only way she could cope. Her dc got cranky if not in routine. Ours didnt but we were happy to fit in with her. So put your foot down. If its important to you just insist. We never had a problem with it although it would have been easier for us not to be totally organised. And those cousins grew up best friends. Just do it.