Woman on the verge.

[FabSab]

My DH, whom I love immensely, makes me want to play in traffic
Let me be very clear when I say, I am aware something is not right, however I’m hoping to find some coping techniques or speak with other folks that maybe have the same or similar issues.
My husband has always lost things. I remember when we first got together, I used to make light of it by saying, “oh my! You would lose your head if it weren’t attached to your body!” Fast forward 6 years and 2 children later and it’s still happening. We’re talking car keys, house keys, wallets (fully complete with driving license and all), work badges that cost money to replace, paperwork, glasses and plenty of other things. Then, there is the forgetfulness. Forgets just about everything. Bills included. It wasn’t until I recently opened up a letter from the council that said it was the last council tax demand. My heart sank. Then there is the impulsiveness. There is currently a 2002/2.2L massive car sitting on our driveway that isn’t fit for purpose. This was his latest buy to replace our car that gave out on us a few days before Christmas. Turns out, the car has MAJOR transmission issues and we’re now money down AND still paying an extortionate amount of money on petrol and insurance because “it can still get me to and from school with the kids” until a potential (emphasis on potential) bonus comes through from his job.
I swear, I am by no means a hard person to get along with, but I do look for other adults to display some kind of common sense. The things that he does don’t seem to make much sense at all. He buys me stuff that he knows I don’t like and becomes sad when I have to explain that I’ve already explained I’m not a huge fan of “x” but I’ll try and make use of it. Thank you. It becomes daunting. Like I’m dealing with another child, completely. In fact, our 2 year old is more disciplined. Today, I had a mini melt down. Okay, maybe a BIG melt down. I think I just became far too overwhelmed with it all. Having 2 under 5 and one with potential ADHD that is still waiting to be properly diagnosed after years of asking for help (thanks NHS!) is stressful enough. I have to keep strict watch on finances because my husband will just spend blindly without bothering to check how much is in the account. I can’t tell you how embarrassed I have been in the past when we’ve gone to pay for our items and ALL of our cards get declined because he’s thinking, “if we need the money, it HAS to be there.”
We both know something is seriously wrong and he’s currently on a waitlist for an appointment for an ADHD assessment himself and I can only imagine how long this wait will be as it’s been 6 months and we still don’t even have an appointment. In the meanwhile, I feel like I want to run a million miles away.. from everything! I know he makes valiant efforts of correct this behaviour but within days, he has a bad lapse and the bad habits come back all over again. I love him and I don’t want to leave him but at the same time, I can’t live this way. I am already a sufferer of severe anxiety, for which I am currently being treated, and this just keeps me on non stop edge. My health has declined on account of it. He’s a brilliant father and has the patience of a saint but depending on him for anything of the adult variety is impossible. His family is not around and my family are in America. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to live like this and I’m sure he doesn’t either, but where it doesn’t seem to affect him, it completely affects me. I’ve distanced myself from things that don’t involve me or the kids so as to take some of the pressure off and ease a little of the anxiety but it doesn’t seem to help.
Any advice or tips would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance and I apologise for this being so long. I’ve actually shortened it quite a bit already 🙃

My DH is forgetful like yours but isn't bad with money. To begin with, I would set up another bank account so you always have money for the household / bills etc.

I have a very dear friend who is bipolar and does the lavish spending thing - could this be your DH?

thank you for getting back to me. I am unsure if it’s bipopolar disorder as my ex has that and they don’t seem the same. It’s not really spending sprees but more so “if I need the money, it will magically appear.” He doesn’t buy extravagant things. But he buys things that I’ve just purchased. For example, there are 3 containers of milk in the fridge after I’d told him we didn’t need anymore, he bought 2! It’s driving me to drink!

Does he have problems at work?

Whilst waiting for the ADHD assessment are there things for people with ADHD that he could consider to help himself?

I would not be sorting out or paying for any of his messes, except to minimise the negative impact on the DC.

Separate your finances if you can, but as you’re married you’re liable for his spending. Did you agree to him purchasing a car? If not, doing so was unacceptable and that and his spending would be a deal-breaker for some.

Sounds like ADHD to me. I am on the waiting list too, for very similar reasons.

Have you looked into/tried CBD oil?

Can you take the finances out of his hands completely? I know you shouldn't have to and it's extra work for you, but if you want to stay with him, it would be worth it just to know that essential bills are paid and he can't make any mad purchases. Perhaps give him an allowance?

I think you are on the right track with the ADHD assessment. Medication might be the answer. Until then, taking in a lot of caffeine can help people with ADHD focus and control impulses. But really, from my experience people with ADHD will always need someone else to keep them on track.

For the money side, l set up direct debits for all my bills and have online banking, which l check at least once a day. It helps me to keep track of what money l have and where!

Wow! Thank you all very much for your great input and suggestions. We will begin implementing some changes as soon as we can find a minute to sit down and talk (one 2yo going through terrible 2’s over night! What fun 😏)
He hasn’t tried CBD oil but I will look into it.
He usually drinks coffee but has been looking for alternatives, like green tea, as he said it was making him jittery. Maybe having a bit too much and intake needs to be fine tuned?
We have online banking ( lloyds) and he loves it. The app is super easy and he only needs his fingerprint so that’s one less password he has to remember although I have encouraged him to keep a password diary.. just in case he gets logged out or has to reinstall the app!
I would love to take over all of the finances but it’s a struggle at the moment. With my ill health, I am a little more dependant on him for that than I usually am. Up until very recently, I have been the “CFO” as he calls me, but when I’m unwell, I have to hand it over to him. The only times I’ve not been in charge were when I was pregnant (HG through the entire pregnancies) and when we were going through a custody battle for my daughter, his step daughter. I believe I can manage taking over a few of the major bills right now though. If it’s going to help, I’m willing to do it. I’m desperate!
Oh and Dozer! He did have permission, however, I know American cars. I have no idea about brands here that are not common over there so I took his word when he said it would be okay and found a new car for us. I didn’t really dig too deep because I wasn’t in the position to do the research and he doesn’t have a track record of buying lemons 😑 when he bought the car home, I nearly bursted into tears. He’s been very apologetic about it but that doesn’t fix the problem! I won’t be helping THAT much anymore. I’m not his momma. That was her job haha he’ll have support but not to the point of disabling.
Does anyone know if adult ADHD is treated differently over here? I.e., if the medication is like borderline illegal?? Thats one thing I think we’re both afraid of. They basically give you crack in America. Ive has friends that have taken many of the meds and said they feel like fiends for it when they don’t have it. Yikes!
I really appreciate the support from you all. I am grateful. Thank you.

May sound silly, but chains and bowls and notes! Keys, wallets etc all go on chains which attach to trouser belt loops so don't get lost when out. Bowls by the front door where they and work badges go the minute he walks through the door. Big note by door to remind him to do so. Can take a while but make it a routine. Everything needs a place.

Several intrays for paperwork. Not urgent, need paying asap and get off your arse and deal with this minute or i will kill you! He needs to check these every few days (alarm on phone for this) and move things along the trays if he doesn't deal with immediately.
If you find things in wrong place you hand them to him and he has to relocate them to the correct place. Routine, routine, routine!
Extra glasses put where he needs them, so he doesn't wander round house and put them down somewhere never to be seen again. Lol
I would also lose my head if not screwed on and i know it must drive dh mental, but god i do try!!

For finances: if he is agreeable, then you have a separate account for him with no overdraft facility and money is transferred to from joint account he has no access to without you. Obviously no credit card taken out of house without your awareness. Small safe works if he doesn't want to restrict access to credit card. It means he has to come home and unlock it before he can make implusive purchases (thinking time).
If he lapses, don't make a big deal but do start again. Don't just let him, and you, give up. Takes something like a month of doing things routinely to become a automatic habit.

If I'm not focused on what I'm being told i only get bits and then have to fill in the gaps. Ie "Don t get anymore milk" becomes "get milk". Db gets me to repeat back what he has said to ensure i have actually got it. And then i still need to write sticky notes as well cos I'll have forgotten by the time i leave the house! Lol
Whether he's had an adhd diagnosis or not, there are lots of website with suggestions on how to self deal with traits like impulsivity.

Google TEDX Talk Jessica McCabe "How to ADHD" Its an eye opener on living with ADHD.

Thank you @thingsdogetbetter! Those are very helpful tips! And very true. I will literally tell him something and then it just slips away. Like I’ve never said a thing. He wanted to cook dinner tonight and asked me how to make the sauce for pasta.. that I’ve taught him how to make at least 5 times in the last year alone.🙃 It’s a doozy but that’s the stuff that doesn’t bother me. It’s the bigger things that I feel like we really need to get under some kind of control. I wish there was a magical way I could simply make him more aware. It has to be hard on him.

Thanks @greenicicle I will check that out.

Sauce for pasta, bloody hell that's ambitious. I need to be told the timing for boiled eggs EVERYTIME! Lol

Get the little annoying things sorted and it will leave you more energy for the bigger things

I second the recommendation of the TEDx talk.

Growing up undiagnosed, without the benefit of help in dealing with the mess our brain serves us (up to and including medication) can ruin lives (see statistics of late diagnosed ADD among school drop outs, drug users etc.)

Anecdote:
My DD went from "stupid, scatterbrained, the little fool, won't amount to much" via "school refusal / don't want to be here anymore" to "ADD inattentive, highly gifted on her way to an uni education".
All because she was diagnosed as a child and had the necessary help in learning how to live with her brain... andhelped me to understand my brain, too - things finally made sense.

One other suggestion to look into.

The impulsive purchasing and the lack of responsibility could indicate a personality disorder. Check into personality disorders and see if any of them (avoidant, borderline) sound like him.

You say he's a brilliant father, et cetera, patience of a saint, but I find that often in these kinds of posts there's more to be said that the poster is staying silent about in order to avoid LTB responses.

I've had issues for years before being diagnosed with ADHD in the summer of last year.

A place for everything and everything in it's place. Wallet, keys and work pass all have definite places to go when not being carried round.

A secure rucksack (it's easier for 'girls' because we have handbags) or plenty of zipped pockets for the stuff.

A bowl or tray for pocket contents when around the house and a quick 'pat down' before leaving the house.

Money. Wages into one and transfer a set amount to pay the bills by DD into another.

When shopping, discuss what you need and what you have too much of, write a shopping list of the stuff that he needs to get.

To do list - Sit down with him at some point during the evening and go through everything that's happening the following day - making sure he has everything he needs packed up as fr as practicable.

He could set alarms on his phone to remind him to look at the To Do list or to remind himself of what else there is to do.

Impulsiveness like buying a lemon car is typical of us. I have made a large number of poorly thought out decisions over the years.

Any big financial decision needs to be thought through and discussed and if he's ever given an ultimatum, like, "offer ends tonight, you don't have time to delay", then he needs to walk away from the deal.

As long as you have the money for it, I'd just turn the bills into direct debits - I don't think I'd always pay bills on time if I had to remember each one, but all my bills and my mortgage go out automatically so I don't have to. The ones I can't do automatically (e.g. monthly transfers from savings accounts into a high-interest account) I have recurring alarms set up on my computer for. I also have alarms for all the bin collection days, which I downloaded automatically from my council's website.

@thingsdogetbetter yes!! Exactly! That’s what we’re doing. I think I need to start building my stamina. I’m totally getting Arnie pumped.. mentally 😊
@greenicicle and @prokupatus thank you for recommendation! He’s absolutely hooked on Jessica now and keeps watching the videos. We’re both laughing at her great sense of humour but also learning a ton. Thank you so much. Also, that’s exactly what’s happened with our little one. He was actually the reason why we began looking at him and his actions. We’re both happy to know that our son will have it MUCH easier because we’re catching it early.
@wombofonesown thank you for your suggestion. It’s safe to say that’s not the case here. He actually is one of the most gentle men I’ve ever known, including my father. I’ve also previously been in an abusive marriage and knew exactly what I wasn’t looking for going forward. In fact, my only good friend was pretty surprised to find out we were having such major issues with his behaviour because he genuinely is one of the good guys. Just here looking for some help in coping with this.
@gingernaut thank you! I’ve shared this with him and he loved reading it. We’re planning to make some investments in storage because, if I’m honest, we’re not extremely organised at the moment. He immediately felt like everything having its place would help immensely. We’ve already got he rucksack and he doesn’t mind having an allowance at all. He said it would help alleviate impulse buys. Usually small impulses but definitely add up!
@southboundagain alarms! We’ve got em 😂 loads of them. At one point, his phone just kept going off all of the time and he got annoyed so just turned it off 😑 maybe we need to look into what you’ve got.. such as the council sending reminders. That sounds ace! Thank you

He sounds like me I was recently diagnosed with ADHD. I hate myself for letting my family down - losing my keys so I can't get out of the house, losing school paperwork, unable to keep track of money etc. It's hell.

All I can say to help is don't take it personally and try to gently help him get organised - make sure everything has a place and everything is easy to access. I hope he gets the help he needs and the you therefore get the stress-free life you deserve!

He just needs to remember to pat himself down before leaving the house and not after.

Finding out you've left your keys behind after you've locked the door behind you is an awful shock and the reason I now go about with two sets of keys on me.

One complete set of all my keys in my right trouser pocket and a second, smaller front door set in my right coat/jacket pocket.

Found on my Facebook timeline.

www.additudemag.com/slideshows/organization-hacks-top-adhd-experts/?utm_source=facebook&utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=adult

I once dated a man like this, he was really into his gym and did really well in the competitions I entered him because he was awful absolutely awful with money and organising himself. I never ever understood where it went, he was a PT at a gym, an estate agent before that and while I was with him managed to get him into a private gym which paid him a salary as he was absolutely hopeless at being self employed, he was always late- not just 10mins but hours late.

He would loose my phone that I leant him because he broke his, my house keys which I replaced 3 times in 8 months, wallet on a daily basis, he once had £300 “stolen” from his pocket, tubaware containers that I bought, I lust have bailed him out with ££££’s because I always wanted to see the good in him but I can hardly support myself let alone someone else, I bailed him from 10s of parking tickets because for what ever reason he didn’t think he need to pay for parking fees???!!!

We only went out a few times because when we did his card got declined and he was always late so we missed our reservation.

In the end he was accusing me of cheating and all sorts...I didn’t have the energy to cheat after him
Stressing me out but somehow I turned out to be the “monster” because I wanted an adult relationship and couldn’t deal with looking after this man child.

I look
Back now and don’t know how I lasted 8months with him, he was always so dramatic and got really nasty when I pointed out the lack of responsibility in his actions, it was a massive turn off for me and in the end I just didn’t fancy him. Couldn’t see a life with him so said bye bye... he still
Now says he’s heartbroken and all he wanted to do was make me happy?!?!? Just couldn’t see what his actions and behaviour was doing to our relationship. In the end I just gave up trying to help him.

@lilyvoltage thank you for sharing this. It gives great insight into his side of things which is very helpful for me to know. I’m hapot you too are getting the help that you need. Many thanks x
@gingernaut thank you for that link! I’ve actually been browsing on additudemag today a lot and it’s been very insightful. A bit overwhelmed with all of the info but helpful all the same. Thank you very much!
@ss2018 I’m so sorry to read what you’ve been through. It sounds terrible. It makes me grateful that DH is very good with criticisms. I’m usually the one to call myself out on being too harsh.. in the past anyway. Thank you for sharing your experience and it sounds like you did the right thing by just leaving that situation alone.

Sounds more like a dyspraxia / dyslexia type thing to me.