How can I disengage from permanently miserable, moody DH?

[LucyInTheSKyWearingPrimark]

Splitting isn't an option at the moment due to a variety of factors, but I just can't cope with the constant moods and the sucking of joy from life. I need to disengage to protect my mental health. How do I do this?

Perhaps your DH, and ultimately you, could benefit from him seeing a therapist. Is he middle aged? I ask as my stepfathere became like this from his 40s on and therapy was of some help to him and made life a bit easier for my mother. Good luck.

No he's 35. He started his own business a few years ago and as he's got more and more successful he's treated the DC and I like we're beneath him. I thought about seeing a therapist but to be honest I think he is being abusive with his moods and some of the things he says and I don't think he would take any notice of therapy. He always thinks he is right, and that I am wrong.

It's hard but it's a case of just getting on with your life and not allowing them to spoil things for you. I used to tiptoe around my DH, ask him what was wrong, allow him to ruin plans because he was in a bad mood etc but I hit a point where I just stopped. If he was sulky I would just ignore him, get on with my day either as though he wasn't there or (where necessary) by ignoring the fact that he was in a mood and speaking to and behaving as though he wasn't. Strangely he slowly stopped being so moody when it became obvious I wasn't pandering to it anymore.

Of course all this is on the assumption you're not concerned he will escalate to other forms of abuse, keeping yourself safe is the most important thing. If you do have any concerns about that, or if his moodiness tends to result in aggressive ranting the 'grey rock' technique (google will explain better than I can) might be useful. I hope you're ok OP

Been there and it is absolutely soul destroying.

I had some counselling which was useful in some ways in that it gave me a place to vent and she gave me some strategies, eg winding up a window between you and whoever so you can still see them but there's a barrier. Sorry I haven't explained it very well. I wasn't able to use some of the strategies as I was so emotionally involved and I think that's the thing isn't it. If it was anyone else being a moody bugger, you can step away but with a partner you can't.

After a while I realised I was having treatment for his depression and that made me angry. Now for me anger is a great motivator and so I made a plan. I stopped covering for him, I told selected people (friends & family) who I though would help. I got out of the house as often as I could - basically looked after my mental health. I know this seems weird, but part of my plan was to keep the accommodation pages from the local paper every week. Never contacted a lettings agent but got a good feel for my options. When the shit hit the fan (and it will) I actually pointed to the paper and explained what I had been doing; DP took me seriously.
We're still together but he knows he's on notice - no more slipping into depression and wanting to let 'nature take it course'. I love the man but you can only give so much before you have to think of your own health

Sorry crossed post.
I agree with Hiding - stop letting him ruin things.
My DP would initially agree to visit friends, say and then on the day refuse to go. So me and DD would go anyway.

I think after a while, the moodiness and verbal abuse just becomes the way they behave, not just depression. In sharing with friends, one couple in particular were brilliant and challenged him on my behalf when he said nasty things to me in public. I think it helped - both for me seeing I was being defending and him in that his behaviour was inappropriate.

Take back a bit of control. I knew I could be out of the house in 10 mins with DD, her best cuddly, keys, purse and passports. I knew where I would drive to - small hotel local, but not obvious. I knew what I would tell DD. I have always had my own bank account so that wasn't an issue. Makes me feel quiet shaky just writing all that down and its been 9-10 yrs or so since.
One thing did stick from the counselling - the ol' favourite you can't change how someone else behaves, so change yourself.
If leaving isn't an option now, that's OK. Doesn't stop you getting a few ducks in a row - again take back some control
Take care

Its hard to disengage while in the same house tbh.

You can create your own social and support network.

Do activities and create good memories for your DC.

Don't depend on him for your happiness.. go out socialise with others.

Have a hobby or interest that you pursue on a regular basis.

Treat yourself i.e spa/massages/manicures

Get on with what you need to and don't suggest any outings with him.

It's a new year ... is it good that your H treats the DC like he does? How much longer should they and you have to put up with it. Kids remember these things... they'll wonder in later life why dad did it and why you let him by staying in the marriage or not stopping it.

That behaviour can also be a sign he's having an affair and you're all an irritation to him. Many cheating spouses do this.

That will put a distance between you ... it's not a recipe for a successful marriage though.