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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I make him see?

20 replies

Gameofgnomes · 01/01/2018 16:04

Me and DH generally have a good relationship. We get on well and enjoy spending our time together.

Lately he has been making me feel really bad about myself but he doesn't see it.

A few examples:
I can be a perfectionist, I try and do things for our families (family parties and get togethers for both sides) but he says I try too hard and I shouldn't bother. Instead of thinking about how he could help to make the day better.

He criticises things I do that he can do better. (you have the oven too low, you haven't done this right, why have you done it like that)

I can be really ditsy about some things (I am generally intelligent but zero common sense sometimes) he will make fun about it in front of our families. He laughs at me when I make mistakes and has called me stupid even though I've asked him not to.

Today he has let me struggle with new years day plans and when I needed help because it all went wrong, he told me everything I did wrong before helping me.

I feel ground down by this but he doesn't see it.

How can I make him see he is affecting my self-esteem and confidence?

OP posts:

Smeaton · 01/01/2018 16:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Suspencers · 01/01/2018 16:07

You can't make him see. He will never see because he doesn't want to and he doesn't think what he's doing is wrong. You have already told him what he does hurts you, yet he carries on.

He isn't going to change, you have to ask yourself if you are willing to put up with his behaviour for the rest of your life, or not.

He sounds awful by the way. for you

Thingsdogetbetter · 01/01/2018 16:08

You don't need to make him 'see' what he is doing to you. He already knows, that's why he's doing it!

Els1e · 01/01/2018 16:11

I once read we can’t change others, we don’t have that sort of power. But we can change our reaction. If you don’t like the way he is (and who would), tell him. Be strong - you deserve better

PompholyxOfUnknownOrigin · 01/01/2018 16:14

Today I referred to someone as stupid. My three-year-old pulled me up on it, and said I had said a bad word. She was right.
Your DH sounds horrible.

Angelf1sh · 01/01/2018 16:15

You can’t make him “see” something he doesn’t want to, you can only change your reaction to his behaviour.

dorislessingscat · 01/01/2018 16:22

I can't tell from the examples you gave if he's horrible or you're over sensitive.

Certainly if I independently made plans and then struggled to see them through I wouldn't expect DH to drop everything to help.

rhardwick945 · 01/01/2018 16:28

Uh oh. This sounds just like my ex husband. When you're in that situation you cant see it but sadly this is emotional abuse, manipulating behaviour and he can't see it because he simply doesn't want to.

Your question, how can you make him see, I'm sorry but you can't. You can't change others, you can only change your own reaction. The only way to improve your situation is to either give him an ultimatum : stop treating me like a second class citizen or I'll find someone who will.

You're worth it. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect.

timeisnotaline · 01/01/2018 16:50

I don’t know if I jump to abuser. I would take the occasions and the general attitude separately. For the general attitude, I’d explain how he behaves and that you won’t put up with it anymore. For the occasions you need to think about why people put do them and what he gets from them and change approach a bit, you can’t expect him to jump in to help your standards for your chosen entertainment plans.

ferando81 · 01/01/2018 17:11

You are a partnership.He doesn't want you working too hard -you do your own thing and ignore what he wants.
Your are intelligent but lack common sense -that probably drives him crazy.
Of course he is wrong to call you stupid in front of other people but you could meet him half way and not work so hard and listen to what he wants and reach a compromise

rhardwick945 · 01/01/2018 18:09

There's really no excuse for him criticising everything you did wrong. And why didn't he help you in the first place. You are a partnership and if you're to make compromises i.e. not do.so much, then he should.offer to help you with what you do do, and not critique you if it doesn't go to plan.

However I do think that as a culture we don't recognise emotional abuse and too easily brush it of because it isn't physical abuse. Just look it up on Google and see if you recognise any of the signs.

Original poster

Gameofgnomes · 01/01/2018 19:22

Hi all, thank you for your replies.

Every other aspect of our relationship is great and we have an honest relationship. I can usually tell him how I feel. It's this behaviour he specifically can't see. He is patronising when I mess up with something and it is embarrassing

Lots of food for thought here. Thank you.

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 01/01/2018 20:22

Is he stupid? No? You've told him several times so he hasn't needed to spot it himself.

The obvious conclusion is that he does see it, he just doesn't care about stopping it. He likes doing it more than he likes acting on what you requested.

If he really is a superstar in all other ways, then go ballistic every time he does it. He will think you have gone weird but if it means he decides it isn't worth your reaction then it's a win.

rhardwick945 · 01/01/2018 21:06

My ex used to say it was 'my interpretation' of what he said that was the issue. He either refused to recognise he was being belittling or perhaps just wasn't smart enough to understand what I was trying to tell him. I never figured it out, after 6 years of it I just kicked him out.

OnTheRise · 01/01/2018 21:09

As my therapist used to say, reasons are for reasonable people.

Your relationship isn't great. He's bullying and abusing you.

You can't "make him see" because he doesn't care. He chooses to manipulate you like this instead of treating you with respect. It is his choice to abuse you. If you try to explain it to him he's not going to have an epiphany and say, "Oh, wow, I didn't realise. Thank you for explaining that!" He's just going to twist things round so that once more you feel like you are in the wrong and to blame for everything that went wrong.

The only way you can make things better is to leave him. Cut him out of your life then he won't be able to bully you anymore.

lanbro · 01/01/2018 21:11

I left.

Someone who is supposed to love you shouldn't make you feel bad about yourself

Dozer · 01/01/2018 21:13

Not the main point, but does HE want and enjoy the family events you organise?

mistermagpie · 01/01/2018 21:36

He already 'sees' I'm afraid. That's why he's doing it.

biscuitmillionaire · 01/01/2018 21:43

I don't think what you have described is abuse. He sounds overly critical, something many of us could admit to. Maybe he had an upbringing where it was normal to criticise each other, so he sees it as normal. As for how to change his behaviour: if he doesn't or won't get it when you tell him, I don't know, perhaps keep a diary of it, then show him your list to show how bad it has got. Tell him it's not about being 'right', but about how it makes you feel, how it chips away at your relationship.

OnTheRise · 02/01/2018 17:29

I don't think what you have described is abuse.

You're wrong. It is.

People often don't realise they're being abused, and they assume they can reason their way out of it. But they can't, because abusers don't care about reasons. They care about control.

perhaps keep a diary of it, then show him your list to show how bad it has got. Tell him it's not about being 'right', but about how it makes you feel, how it chips away at your relationship.

Keeping a diary of his abuses in order to share it with him is a really dangerous thing to do. He doesn't care that he's being abusive, he cares about making you do what he wants you to do. If you present him with a written list of stuff he's done he's likely to be even nastier to you. Please don't try this.

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