How often is the grass not greener?

[Louiseandthreepink]

So a fair few weeks ago after a argument my partner decided he was going to leave out family home. In fairness he did want to try and the time. But I wanted effort that he wasn't giving me, so I told him repeatedly to leave until he did. (Yes I know)

Since then we've flirted between arguing and shouting, out of anger and then laughing and joking and getting on okay.

His words say he doesn't want to be in the relationship. His actions are saying different.

He has admitted that he is seeing a new woman (from what I gather, she did the chasing) he has said he is just seeing how they go. This woman however, is 5 years younger than him, lives with parents and no children so she had no responsibilities so to speak. Unlike he does.

If ever I say "I know you will be back" he doesn't deny it he laughs but like a childish giggle laugh. He's admitted he felt that felt like a light switch went off.

In the run up to the normal argument which resulted in the breakdown of our relationship, he found a lump downstairs (not sure if he's had it tested) his elderly relative had a fall and was diagnosed with dementia, he was forced to work more hours, our youngest daughter has been in and out of hospital and his mum has upped and moved quite a way away and they were always close. He seems to have shut himself off from his family. He still sees the children by from someone who was so close to his mum, when she had a few choice words to say to him, he hadn't spoke to her since (not even on Christmas Day!)

So my question is, how often do men realise the grass actually isn't greener? And how long does it usually take for them to realise this?

I'm not sure if I would take him back, but I would be open to having a chat with him about what went wrong and he would need to seek professional help. However I was curious if people's experiences in similar situations

His actions say different? Em, no they don't. He's got a new girlfriend. There is nothing in your post to suggest he wants to come back. He wasn't prepared to put the effort in to stay, and has done nothing to try and win you back. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

He hasn't got a girlfriend. They are just work people who are spending nights together.

Since he's left, when he visits the children he doesn't want to leave the house. He sits around and doesn't seem to leave. He hovers about like he wants to stay. He's still checking my social media. He texts me things such as "Good morning, how are you and the girls" anything I ask him to pick up he goes above and beyond. He is continuing to pay all the bills and rent and everything on the house and has no intention of stopping his anytime soon. He hasn't told any of his friends we split up nor about the new woman. He checks on me and not just the children.

He has also bought me gifts and Christmas presents again for me and it the children. We never bought Christmas presents when together. It was always about the children. He is already talking about the possibility of "I'll probably regret it one day"

If he's had sex with someone else I'd say your relationship is over. I certainly wouldn't take someone back after they'd done that, even if they wanted to try again. Not to mention how he's moved on so quickly - he is clearly not that bothered about your relationship ending!

I do believe he was as for the first few weeks. He didn't eat. Didn't sleep. Didn't go to work. He merely stayed at his mums.

I do feel like he's having some form of breakdown or stress related thing.

I'm not sure if they have slept together but I know they've spent a bit of time together, but I know if I was to text him when he was meant to be with her. He would come round.

Whenever he has the children, they always comment on how daddy was sad.

Since the split he also cried (I've never known him cry throughout our relationship. Not even when his dad and nana died)

I'm also not sure if I do want him back. I'm actually doing much better than I expected on my own.

I was just looking for people with similar experiences, if they had a ex who eventually walked out and then decided the grass wasn't greener.

I'll try to be gentle but I think you have quite a specific requirement for posters to have a) experienced the same as you and b) had it all come right in the end with the errant partner coming back and making it all ok again. I don't think you're going to get that really.

From the way I read it, you're brushing away all the facts - ie. he's seeing someone else, is no longer living with you, etc. and clinging on to thoughts and actions that make you believe he still loves you. Perhaps he does but he's moved on awfully quickly, hasn't he? If he loved you, if he were truly broken up (as you say he is), he wouldn't be with anybody else now.

He's not said that he wants to get back together with you and you're taking his 'childish giggle' as some sort of sign that he does when it could really be down to nervousness, couldn't it?

Do you want him back or do you just want him to want to come back to you? He's being a good father, I would give it time to reconcile the split in my own mind because there are children involved here and they are affected by everything that you two do.

Grass greener? Sometimes it's just that the old grass can't support two people anymore and it's better than one moves off it.

He basically sees you as a safety net while he explores fucking other people. He may well come back if the fucking other people bit wears off. But for the minute he's most certainly not looking to back with you as a partner, you are his family who he can dip in and out of whilst still having a single life and because you appear to be happy on the back burner it will probably continue as long as you let it.

No I'm just generally looking for experiences. Weather they came back. Weather they didn't.

Before he left he was talking about getting married.

I'm not even sure I would take him back. I have explained that to him. It would very much depend on lots of factors and he would have to be frank open as honest aswell as seeking some form of professional help.

It's just the friends I have have never experienced anything similar. Hence why I was looking for other experiences online

It sounds like you tested him to see whether he'd leave and he did! And then he met someone else! Now you're looking for evidence of him still being committed to you and came up with the present buying example. From what you've written, he sounds like he's moved on. Even if he does want to come back, could you accept he's been with another woman?

In my experience..if they rebound they sometimes want to come back. But if they're into this other person, no. Usually guilt of leaving will make someone be extra kind as well - I was to my exh. Not because I wanted to get back with him, just because I wanted to stay on good terms.

He's having his cake and eating it and it sounds as if you are hoping he'll get fed up and come back.

Every relationship is different...because the individuals involved have their own personalities.

You repeatedly asked him to go and eventually he did. I don't doubt you had valid reasons.

If he's a stubborn person .. and prideful like myself ... even if I wanted the relationship back .... I'd have to be asked/begged back after I was told to leave.

It took my ex nearly a year by which time I didn't want him back. It caused all sorts of problems as he could not accept it.

Ohh tricky one. You should be careful for what you wish for springs to.mind. unfortunately too, it sounds like he's realised that whilst it wasn't his choice, he's doing OK...

Let's be real, if you really wanted him you wouldn't have wanted him to leave or were you just trying to bully him into getting your own way and it backfired (sorry)

It sounds like you're both game playing and sadly it's ended in this mess. I would suggest that the only way he'll realise he misses you is if you also start dating but since that also feels a little bit game playing why don't you just sit down and have an honest conversation with him, you said something you shouldn't have and you are sorry and want him back. (That's if you actually really do and not that you're just put out he actually left)

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I've seen this from the other side before . :/

Sorry, you did ask. I was the 'new partner' in exactly this scenario with my partner. His ex-wife left him trying to force his hand with something. We've been together now for 5 years and couldn't be happier. Playing the 'chase me' manoeuvre rarely works.

My ex emailed me 2 years after we split (and had no contact during that time at all) to see if we could talk about getting back together. Something about how he'd been dating someone for 2yrs so could prove he could make a relationship work . I filed for divorce, and he refused to sign. Found out later his GF was pregnant at that time poor woman, she's now stuck with him with a couple of DC.

My ex had an affair and said he wanted a divorce. I didn’t know about the affair initially and tried to work on the marriage. Once I found out, I filed for divorce and moved out. He didn’t know I had found out about the affair and started emailing me about how he never really wanted a divorce, but it was all nonsense. I suspect he didn’t actually change his mind, he just panicked at the thought of losing money during the divorce.

It sounds like things are over for you, I’m sorry to say. It’s hard to let go of any long relationship but I think you’re both done here.