I made a huge mistake. HELP

[Grindingmedown]

Grindingmedown

In need your help and advise. I’ve been awake most of the night in despair.

Context: for many years DH and I have been going through a rocky time to the extent that I asked him to move out before Christmas. He refused and I thought with Christmas looming and DC’s involved he’d stay until Jan. My plan was to force the issue once all the fuss of Christmas was over. Don’t get the wrong idea he’s a decent man, good father and works hard. It’s just that over the 15 years we’ve been together
we’ve simply drifted apart.

Here comes the issue:
Last night we went to a New Years Party and some friends of ours. It was a good night with food and drink flowing. I was getting some attention from the host which was weird. Anyway got home worse for wear and ended up having sex with my husband!!!!!!
This may not sound like a big issues however:
It’s taken me months to get to a point of separation
There’s been no sex for a long time up until last night
I don’t want to give him the wrong idea
I still want a separation
I feel so ashamed of how i could let this happen

Your advice would good

I think you are going to have to say to him that last night should not have happened. That you were just taken up with the celebrations of nye and that it feels like you have had a ons and it changes nothing. Be a little more quieter and stand offish for the next few days so that he gets the picture.

Just tell him that despite the sex, you still want to separate.

Just tell him that last night doesn’t change your mind. You’re still at the same point you were at when you asked him to leave. You still don’t see a future together. Say it now so he doesn’t have time to make assumptions.

You can accept it was enjoyable(if it was) without it meaning you’re happy being married to him if you’re not.

Thanks for your advice. Btw I think your right a straight talk once he wakes up and then just back off. I feel for OH as it feels like I’m giving him mixed messages. That’s not what I planned to do

A bit harsh but you could say that it only happened because you were drunk and he had not moved out

I think this gives you a springboard to broach the subject again with him. Be direct and resolute. Let him know you're not for turning. Good luck, I know it's hard but God it feels good when it's sorted.

ILOVETOLURK - I know what your saying. I’ve been trying for months to get him to leave with no joy. I need to be stronger and to the point. It got so close to Christmas on the end for the kids sake I let him stay. I know I made a mistake 😔

Don't beat yourself up, just do as suggested, and speak with him. I too would say, whilst the night was enjoyable, unfortunately, it hasn't rekindled any flames for you, and you are confident, that your decision, is the right one for you.
He may play on the mixed messages, but he simply got lucky !
These things happen, Happy New Year OP, look forward to your new beginnings.💐🍾

superpiehoneyeye - thank you and thank you all for your advice. I’m very grateful

However you phrase it ... think of how you'd feel of you were in his position.

Telling him you only did it because you were drunk is unnecessary and could very well change how he reacts going forward. You wouldn't want that done to you.

Why is it up to you to ask him to move out? You want to end the marriage. If he hasn't cheated or been abusive what makes you have more rights to stay in the home? Surely he is capable of parenting the children just as good as you.

Why don't you move out?

Is it your house? As Falso says, why does he have to be the one who moves out when you are the one wanting to end the marriage and he has not been adulterous or abusive?

Please be direct with him, not standoffish and quiet as has been suggested, that's just cruel.

Out of interest is there a reason why he needs to move out and not you? Are you the sole owner of the house?

To those asking why the OP doesn't move out - we have no idea of the situation and it's none of our business.

The OP asked for advice on a specific thing and doesn't need to justify herself to us.

Thanks for all your views and advice

Well the specifics do matter.
She wants him to move out. She may actually have no right to demand that.

The helpful advise could be that she needs to move out.

Taylor the OP asked for advice around how to handle bringing up the subject of separating and therefore him leaving given that they'd had sex after not having done so for a very lone time.

She didn't ask for advice on whether she can 'demand' that he move out.

I'm fully aware of the potential legal situation but, in the overwhelming majority of cases it is in the children's best interests for the mother to stay in the family home with them.

Mostly when fathers try to exert their right to stay in the family home (with or without the children) then it is in an attempt to control the mother and prevent her from leaving a relationship she does not want to be in.

Ok, firstly calm down! But ASAP tell him it was a drunken mistake!

He needs to know this as soon as possible.

Tell him nothings changed and your sorry if you have the impression it had.

Then move on to the practicalities of him moving out.

Good luck

Well since they have children and I assume that she has been and will continue be the primary caregiver, OF COURSE he should be the one to move out.

Unless he wants to put the children through even more distress than is necessary.