Estranged father has died and I don't know what to feel

[slummymummy35]

Hi, first post here. My dad, who I have had no contact with since March 2014 (when he turned up to my daughters christening very very drunk) passed away last night. Our relationship was toxic ever since he had an affair and left my mum and brother and I when I was 7 and I thought I had dealt with all my feelings of pain and hurt and anger but today it's all come flooding back. He's a disaster and no contact was definitely the right decision but help me please to make sense of all the hurt and anger and sadness. What did other people who this has happened to find helped? Thanks x

Slummy I'm so sorry to read that you are going through this bereavement. I'm not great with advice and I have had an estrangement myself. Perhaps some counselling might help. I worry about how I'd react if something happened to those I'm estranged from. I think I'd be sad that there wouldn't be any more chances to set things right and I'd probably grieve for the relationship that I felt I should have had. But on the other hand I feel that I've done my best to date. It's very difficult but don't be hard on yourself. X

I meant the situation is difficult

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that I have been nc with my parents for a year and I'm kinda feel like im waiting to hear similar news. Not sure what the answer is but we need to do what's best for our mental health and what's best for our families. When I face the same situation, I plan to remember the positive times and reassure myself that I did what I needed to do. Addiction is terrible and there isn't anything I could have done to change it. Thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

I am nc with my df. Over 20 years now. Have played out in my mind how I shall be when he dies!! Sad for the df I should /could /wanted to have. But not for him personally.
He was a doormat who allowed his second decision to speak for him. He wasn't allowed it be a df /dgf. So he wasn't.
Can't ever cry for that man.
So won't.

Whatever the actual status of your relationship, he was your dad and you are experiencing a significant loss. It's ok to grieve.

Mine died this summer after 30 years of nc. I had over a year of warning, it wasn't a sudden death.

When he died, I was torn between grieving for the father I wish he'd been and feeling sad for not feeling as sad as I 'should'. I think that the best thing to do is to just be kind to yourself. Stop feeling like you should be feeling or thinking any particular way. If you need to grieve, then you take all the time you need. If you feel that you're not particularly upset, then that's fine too. There are no rules for this sort of thing 💐

torn between grieving for the father I wish he'd been

This

Plus the guilt for crying because your mother would be hurt

It's strange, and different for everyone

I think I had it very easy. I knew there was nothing I needed to get off my chest and having been estranged for so long, he was like a stranger to me. But I was still surprised at the emotions I felt. I was fine after a couple of days, but I had an awfully long time to come to terms with the fact that he was who he was.

I didn't go to the funeral and it was the right decision for me, but it might be something you feel you need to do.

I don't know if this will be any help, but this is my dad's story.

My dad had been NC with his mother for 15 years when she died. She had done awful, awful things that had left him considering suicide after she destroyed his business and caused us to be homeless.

I remember him getting the call, and he spent a while wondering why he wasn't upset. He concluded she had hurt him so much while alive that he had no emotional reserves left to use on her. He didn't go to her funeral and now, 25 years later has no regrets about it. He has said that as he didn't see her in life he would have felt a hypocrite 'seeing' her in death.

He was very close to my Nana (his MIL), he viewed her as his mum and grieved totally normally when she died.

I'm not surprised your emotions are all stirred up. Be kind to yourself. It may be worth considering going for some bereavement counselling to help you process this. and some deep breaths, you will get through this.

I was estranged from my father from 15 to about 19, 20 when he died

In all honesty, i felt relief, now I didnt have to think will he just show up, will i just bump into him
But like another said above, i was sad for the father i never had. That didnt come till much later though once relief had passed

It’s ok to be sad, it’s ok to be angry it’s ok to be frustrated, it’s ok to be numb, it’s ok to not give to shits, it’s ok to feel everything all at once.

It’s still fresh news but it is closure and sometimes that just rehashes it so you can put it to bed. He can’t hurt you anymore, that’s done but it’s understandable to have mixed emotions about that too.

Don’t feel you have to know what you feel or push yourself to feel one way or another. It’s only just happened

To add, i never went to the funeral, know it was on
Nor did i read his "appology" letter he wrote on deathbed
A friend did with permission, turns out it was no appology at all but a list of my faults, what idid wrong, painting him as the peffect angel, no mention of drink, pokies or abuse

I'm sorry slummy. My father is still alive but we've been nc for 12 years now, since I was in my early-mid 20s. He also had an affair and walked out when I was 10 and we had a very difficult relationship throughout my teens and early 20s until I finally snapped. I'd just had enough and cut him off completely. I'm honestly not sure how I would/will feel when he dies... I never really think about him now and certainly don't miss him, but what he did obviously did affect me - I've had issues with choosing emotionally unavailable men or pushing men away so 'they always leave' becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. It's complicated though I know; I think any sadness I might feel would be as other posters have said, for the father he should have been and the relationship we should have had. It wouldn't be for 'him' per se, as he really is a stranger to me now and I really have no feelings for him at all any more. Every situation is different though, I don't think there is a 'normal' so however you feel is okay. Be kind to yourself and don't feel bad for grieving or for not grieving, or for feeling sad, angry, confused, ambivalent or any combination of those.

I am low contact with DM, my DH always says he thinks I will be really grief struck when she dies. Not with sadness at the loss of the relationship we have but at the relationship we will never have had and will have no hope of ever having.

Thank you all so much for your kind comments and advice. It's really helpful and so accurate to how I'm feeling. I think what I'm grieving most for is the relationship we could have had if he hadn't been such a disaster.

I know I did the right thing in having no contact but I’m still sad for the relationship we missed out on. I’ve been thinking about him all yesterday and unfortunately nearly all my memories of him are sad or hurtful. Which makes me feel sad and angry. Then I get cross with myself for feeling upset. And like I don’t have any right to feel upset. 😫

I spoke to my brother and my aunt (his sister) last night and we are all going through the same feelings. I think I will go to the funeral as it will hopefully help with some closure. I hadn't thought about a letter....there is the danger that he might have done something like that, especially to my brother as apparently he was unwell for some time and would have had time to prepare. He managed to mess my brother up a lot more than me and my brother has been no contact for nearly 20 years.

Some bereavement counselling would be a good idea, I'll look into that again.

Thank you all again so much x

Take care slummy, and all those who've posted here

I understand completely- dm died in 2014 having been nc due to her alcoholism.......I still don't know how I should feel or how I actually feel

I hadn't spoken to my dad in eight years and got a call that he was in a hospice in my hometown and wasn't expected to survive the weekend. I drove up, feeling that if I didn't, I might regret it. He wasn't a bad dad in a lot of ways, just very strict when I was growing up, and made me choose between my family and a boyfriend he didn't like. I chose the boyfriend.

When I got there, he was really ill and in a lot of pain. I stayed there for 36 hours (he was mostly unconscious) and held his hand when he died, because I don't feel that anyone should have to die alone if someone, anyone, can be there.

The following year was very confusing - I grieved for the life we could have had, I was angry at him, and at myself, and it brought back losing my mum twelve years earlier. I chatted to a psychologist at work about it, and he said the important thing was to not think "what if?" Whatever happened, you can't look back, you can't change what happened no matter how hard you try, you just have to look forward.

And my dad was right - my boyfriend was a selfish narcissistic man. My experience taught me that you don't stop learning when you leave school, you're learning all your life and sometimes not getting it right every time - both me and my dad made mistakes. Grieve if you need to. You'll know when it's time to move on. You still have lots of life to live - make the most of it.

I would write it all down get in all down . Says everything you want to says to him . Or do it here or on beaverment board . Every time something pops in write it down don't bury it.

When mine died I hadn’t seen him for about 5 years.
I felt nothing, didn’t go to the funeral and have no regrets at all.
I realised I missed A father but not HIM specifically. I also felt sorry for him as nobody else really cared that he was dead either.
The thing is though YOU need to decide how you feel rather than have anyone else tell you how you should feel, no emotions are wrong in this situation

My brother didn't grieve when our dad died because he said that he had done all his grieving as a child when dad left us and moved to the other side of the world.

Oh and I didn't grieve because I hardly knew him.

Slummy I am sorry for your loss and the feelings of confusion you are experiencing, I can completely empathise. I was NC with my father for 40 years except the odd occasion when he burst back in to cause chaos and one sighting at DGM's funeral. We' d recently got to the exchanging Christmas card and short note stage but despite DP encouraging me, I had no desire to reconcile. I think for my own sanity and self preservation I had cut ties mentally. That or spend my entire adult life feeling rejected. My father died last year and I completely agree with your statement about not knowing what to feel. I think both you and Snotnose put it perfectly when you say you grieve for what the relationship could have been. That is exactly the realisation I came to too. Counselling sounds like it might be very helpful for you. Sorry OP and everyone on here.

I hadn't seen my mother for 25 years before she died. I used to worry what would happen when she died as I'd be expected to care and I didn't.

She died, I felt nothing, family members understood why I felt how I did and no judgement was made by them. I realised I was more worried by their potential response to me.

I'm aware I'm lucky in that respect. She died 3 years ago now. I've never had a second of grief. I had all my grief while I was enduring years of child abuse at her hands.