No sex for over a year

[cantthinkofanewnameffs]

(Name changed!)
We had a great sex life, I've been married for over 20 yrs.
we get on well, he still loves me.
But we've not had sex in over a year, probably getting closer to two years now.
He bought a business, which was massively stressful and he was so tired so sex was the last thing he was thinking of.
I've tried to be supportive, I've cried, I've shouted, I've threatened to leave but actually I just want us back on track.
He did go to the doctors, they couldn't find a physical problem, they've offered counselling but that'd be his worst nightmare!
My current thought is that actually he's probably quite happy with how things are (except for my nagging).
How does him moving into the spare room sound, until he wants us to be a proper marriage again.
It feels like I talk, he nods, then we go back to our new norm of no sex.
I know there's a ltb answer but that's no what I want. Thanks

Does he love you and are you otherwise happy? Then I'd maybe be a bit more patient and get some professional advice (at least for yourself, if he's unwilling to go). Does he just not want to? Can he not? What other solutions might there be? Lifestyle changes, etc? It seems a bit hasty to throw away 20 years and an otherwise happy relationship (if that's the case) just because you're having a bit of a drought.

My husband and I didn't have sex for about a year and a half when I was pregnant with my first baby and after. I had a lot of bleeding in pregnancy and it just wasn't something I was comfortable with. After she was born, we were just too exhausted, he was starting a new business, we were co-sleeping, etc. It just wasn't a priority and I wasn't interested. But it didn't last forever and we figured out ways to fix things and get back to mostly where we once were (obviously, nothing is ever quite the same once you have kids). I'm pregnant again (again, lots of bleeding), before this, I had a miscarriage. With the exception of the two times we had sex after the mc that got me pregnant again, we've not had sex in nearly a year and probably won't again for 4-6 months after baby is born, so 18 months in total. If my dh suggested I move into the spare room unless I was giving him sex, I'd be pretty upset! Life happens and things can get difficult, but I think if you make a commitment to a life together, you have to hang in there through the rough stuff. If this is the only bit that's rough, you're otherwise happy, you love each other, he's kind and respectful, no infidelity, etc. I think I'd try everything I could, including counseling and sex therapy and changes to work-life balance and extended holiday, etc. before I'd be thinking about asking him to move into another room or thinking about ending the relationship.

Why does he say you've not had sex.

Too tired - we'll it's Christmas, he's had time off.

Too busy - see above.

Emotional - he'd best do the therapy then.

Can't get it up - pills.

Not feeling horny - back to therapy.

Refuses to say or do something about it - LTB. It's an important part of intimacy and marriage if he's not willing to discuss or act he's not being a good partner.

She doesn't want to LTB.

Not much you can do if he won't address it. Like you say, he may be happy with the situation. Would separate rooms make you happier? I can sort of see that lying next to someone who isn't interested could be quite hard but you may just be postponing the inevitable as he may never want to get back to what you had.

Does he know how strongly you feel? His inability to address the situation one way or another must be very annoying

Not going to be much help here, but I was in the same position. After 5 years I LTB

He's very much a head in the sand guy.
It's a physical/head problem I think.
He says he doesn't think about, he's totally lost any sex drive, he can get an erection but not enough to have sex.
We do (v occasionally) get intimate but it's always initiated by me and I let him says when to stop.

Ok so you think he doesn’t want to change anything, he won’t take the GP’s advice re improving things, you don’t want to leave.

The only option you have is therefore to accept that this is the way things are.

—and leave eventually when you realise you can’t—

There’s a similar-ish thread on the board at the moment, written by a guy in your situation.

There seems to be less tolerance for a guy “going off” sex than for a woman, but the gist is the same. Relationships go through dry spells, if they last long enough. Chances are that he’ll get back into the groove at some point - particularly if he can remove at least some of the work stress.

I guess the question, which only you can answer, is whether he/your relationship is worth the wait to get to that point?

The other thread the guy who has gone off sex has stopped having sex completely for over a year, he’s had medical investigations and refused the suggested treatment (counselling).

Ha ha! Oops... this is that thread.

You can’t make him want to have sex with you or to put in the work to find his back to wanting sex with you. Your choices are a) don’t accept it and let the resentment corrode your relationship b) accept it and get used to this being the new norm c) get your sexual needs met elsewhere or d) leave.

It takes two to have a sexless marriage. People who really don’t want sexless marriages, don’t stay married to people who don’t want sex long term.

I LTB last year as well. I just heard he’s now chasing (legal) teenagers for sex - so clearly there was absolutely nothing wrong with his sex drive! If he can’t or won’t change, you don’t have to put up with this.

There seems to be less tolerance for a guy “going off” sex than for a woman

Very true.

Is he expecting you to happily accept celibacy forever?

I had similar issues with my partner after 6 years of being together.

It started when he was involved in a bike accident and broke his arm and was given strong painkillers and was generally depressed at being incapacitated. He also put on weight and disliked his job which were long days/long commute.

When I tried to wear nice lingerie etc he would say it made him feel pressurised so I stopped making the first move and we therefore stopped having sex, or rarely having sex.

Ten years later we have two young DC's and just don't have time to have sex! When we do I'm still the one who initiates it mostly although I'd say he does a third of the time.

It does get me down as I feel that maybe I'm just not attractive as I once was but I've lost the baby weight and try and look after myself a bit.

Our situation has got better, but I think it's because I've learnt to not rely on him to make me feel attractive and because I'm so exhausted it's reduced my libido so we're more evenly matched.

Can you take some of the business stress off him - maybe help him find distractions, if you cant actually take on "the work" itself.

Exhaustion is a valid reason for "going off" sex, but maybe he cant see a way of reducing the exhaustion/stress.

If he won’t do anything to change and you don’t want to leave then you’ll just have to get used to the situation I’m afraid.

Lots to think about, I think when the holidays are over we'll have another chat.
I'm mulling over putting a time limit on it and if he hasn't changed or tried then he can move into the spare room.