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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Kids are happy so is it wrong to consider splitting?

14 replies

Waystobewicked · 31/12/2017 17:45

My relationship is probably not that bad.
Our kids love us both DH hands on dad, does housework/ childcare / household stuff fairly equally.

I think our kids think we are happy.

Downside is DH is pretty much a functional acholic. He won’t stop he doesn’t think he has a problem- maybe I am uptight about this. When we argue- and sometimes I have no idea how to avoid it (as he will create a situation) he says such nasty things to me . When we were younger before Kids I wanted to split but he begged me to stay - said he’d kill himself if I left . Now he says that being with him makes him want to kill himself. Although things like this are said in an argument- he will apologise and say I need to forget about it - he doesn’t mean things said in heat of arguments.
Kids usually not up when arguing.

Most of the time it’s not that bad. I have a good job friends and family.

Splitting would be horrific- I’ve suggested before and he does not want to. Says he loves me I think In his way he does.

Anyone been in similar position/ or were you the child in a family like mine ?

One of us could not move out - we need both incomes to pay mortgage-we would to sell and may not be able to stay in area so primary age kids would need to move school.... it’s too much disruption for everyone isn’t it ?

OP posts:

babigailwabble · 31/12/2017 21:00

wow this is exactly my situation. my baby is only 8mo though. currently his drinking is improved but imo it's only the novelty of having a baby around. i have no doubt whatsoever that his drinking will worsen and it will be the reason we split up. he will never stop drinking but won't hear of us splitting up. i can't forget the horrible things he has said to me whilst he's been drinking. it's a tragedy that he does this to himself when he's got so much to love.

no advice, sorry, but

HopeClearwater · 31/12/2017 21:17

I was in this situation and this is my first Christmas without alcoholic DH. I wish for my sake but especially for my DC that I’d chucked him out seven or eight years ago. If your DH doesn’t think he has a problem, then it will only get worse and you can do nothing about it. You can make a new and better life for your children and yourself. Your DC won’t have to grow up in an alcoholic home. I wish I had saved my own children from that, but I wanted to believe that we could be a happy family and that he could stop drinking.

exaustedofevwrythingbutgoing · 31/12/2017 21:29

I'm so sorry that you are going through this .
He sounds like a lunatic to me. Starting with this idea of killing himself. He's an attention seeker trying to manipulate you and blaming you for his sick mental health :(

Honestly try to talk to him seriously, talk to someone else that you trust about his drinking problem and self harm.

Be careful and I hope you can sort it out peacefully x

Greystar · 31/12/2017 21:44

My dad is a functioning alcoholic and I remember my parents arguing once they thought we were asleep, I did find it upsetting but they really wouldn't have had a clue as I never said to them that I'd been listening so you may be wrong that they don't know. My parents are still together but I did often hope when I was younger that they would divorce,my dad does drink less now he's retired ... sorry I realise this is not much help but thought I put it out there as a possibility, hope you have a better 2018 whatever you decide

Angelf1sh · 31/12/2017 21:44

I’d split if I were you. You’ve wanted to for some time and it hasn’t changed. It won’t get better. Moving schools at primary age is not a big deal at all. Don’t waste your life.

AnnaMagnani · 31/12/2017 21:58

You may be arguing when kids are asleep but kids will be picking up that you aren't happy together. And as they get bigger they will hear the arguments and pretend they are asleep. Plus you won't be able to keep all the arguments after lights out. He's already creating situations out of nothing - kids will grow up learning to walk on eggshells around him.

Original poster

Waystobewicked · 31/12/2017 22:09

Thank you for your replies and I’m sorry to those living this or had this growing up.

It’s such a hard situation- I actually wished my parents had split when I was younger - but I remember feeling very sorry for my mum. I always try to shield the kids from and put on a ‘happy family face’ for them.

OP posts:

overduemamma · 31/12/2017 22:17

I'm in the same situation. Been with partner for 10'years. 2 beautiful kids. He doesn't work. Looks after the children. Reckons he's doing dry January!

Original poster

Waystobewicked · 31/12/2017 22:28

Bloody hell- Its sad to see there are so many of us like this - however it brings me some comfort as I can’t tell anyone about this really... except my best friend.
It’s just so hard to know what to do for the best. I think the kids wouldn’t want a move and also not to see him ever day .... however I guess as the get older I know he could give them a lift to any evening disco / cinema/ party.

OP posts:

exaustedofevwrythingbutgoing · 01/01/2018 00:30

School is not a problem.
I moved houses (between countries too) with my son As a single mother about 8-9 times and my son is 14 in his 10th school for the last 4 years now and he was ok With that all te way.... he stayed longer in schools that was important and made friends for life. The moving didn't change the fact that he kept his best friends.
X

HopeClearwater · 01/01/2018 01:24

however I guess as the get older I know he could give them a lift to any evening disco / cinema/ party

You might not want that when he’s over the limit ...

Coyoacan · 01/01/2018 02:34

Have you thought about going to a meeting of Al-Anon?

We all want our children to be happy all the time, but life isn't like that. They are learning about life and relationships from you, is this what you want them to learn?

uhoh17 · 01/01/2018 11:51

I was a child in a family with a functioning alcoholic father. I knew by the age of 9/10 that his drinking wasnt within normal limits, it was embarrassing to bring friends home. After my grandfather died when I was 12, my father’s drinking became totally excessive, to the point I really felt I hated him. I hated that he put drink before us. I hated that he mortified me in front of the very few friends who ever came over. Our relationship in my teens was awful. One day he put his fist through a glass door pane close enough that I was splatted in blood. I don’t think that memory will ever leave me. I wanted my mum to leave him for years. She never did as she was a SAHM and financially couldn’t do it.

Since I moved out to go to uni our relationship has improved as I don’t have to live with him and see it daily. I had some counselling and felt better for unloading the burden on to someone else. I tried so many times to reach out, but beer cans were more important. Counselling helped me process the fact that I couldn’t change his behaviour, despite wanting to. I could only change my reaction to it and how it affected me. It lead me to massively stepping back from him for a number of years, stepping away from the pain of knowing he was slowly drinking himself to death, never knowing if I’d ever get the phone call I dreaded receiving. That space allowed me to protect myself and work my way through why he drinks.

Since having my own children, I get on better with him. I understand the pressures of adult life more. It doesn’t mean I agree with how he deals with stress though. I put aside our past and focus on his good side. I focus on the fact he’s a good grandparent and father underneath the drinking. He doesn’t drink as much as he did as when I was in my teens so it’s easier to deal with.

Being the eldest child, I believe it affected me most as his drinking was at its worst in my teens and my siblings were largely oblivious or just accepted it as normal. It was always me who caused a problem/kicked off as I knew and understood what he was doing. It was me who knew what my mum was going through. It was me who at times felt like the second parent as he was too drunk to care.

Only you can decide whether to leave or not, but be aware your children will know more than you realise about what’s going on and suffer more than you realise. To the outside world the functioning alcoholic is a great guy, good father, hard working etc. to the child he’s a drunk, an embarrassment and demon they have to live with, while the outside world doesn’t have a clue how awful it is and tells them what a great dad they have.

Original poster

Waystobewicked · 01/01/2018 13:43

The points you raise make so much sense- thank you all.

I feel that Would be so ashamed to go to an Aa meeting even if it was a support group for family members as if anyone saw me they would know - I know it’s meant to be anonymous but I’m sure these things come out. If he went however I’d be over the moon as it would show he wants to change. But i know he doesn’t.

Sorry I meant to write/ he couldn’t give them lifts when they are older.
I work shifts so in future will not always be home in evening - and I worry what things will be like when they are older and stay up later .
But I worry that the alternative would be worse and the kids would hate me for causing the disruption- I could never tell them about the things that have happened

OP posts:

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