Opinions sought

[purplesquirrel1]

Hello.
Please can I have some advice. My boyfriend has ADHD and had a very troubled childhood. He can be quite thoughtless and immature. He has worked on these things but still has a long way to go.
We have had a lot of time off together over Christmas. Unfortunately, we’ve argued a lot. Our arguments can be blazing and he can become very rude.
I am 37 and I feel like I want to go out with an adult. Someone who doesn’t place friendships so high in his priorities and who can make compromises without me having to fight for them.
He is very lovely and always means well. Am I expecting too much? Am I suffering from ‘the grass is greener’?

What kinds of issues to you argue over? Do you think that improved communication styles would help, or is it just who he is? Does he let hanging out with his mates take priority?

For what it's worth, I need peace in a relationship and would have serious doubts too. I don't think you're expecting too much.

Thanks for the reply . We had a blazing argument about a home improvement I suggested that he wouldn't even try. Then we were supposed to be visiting his friends and he made comments to put me off going. Then exploded when I got upset. Then we fell out over New year plans. I'm tired. I feel like I'm going out with a teenager. He tries really hard to change and has changed a lot over our relationship and we are generally happy. But things pop up and he is awful when he's upset. I honestly am debating just leaving now as he sleeps upstairs ☹️

How long have you been together and what's your living situation?

Don't just walk out. That would make you the teenager in the relationship.

Sorry you're going through this.👭

Sounds too much like hard work already OP.... maybe you need to take yourself off out of the situation for a few days.. and see how you feel

I am 37 and I feel like I want to go out with an adult.

I think that's pretty clear, I'd stop second guessing yourself. That's what you want. Doesn't mean he's not well-meaning, just his particular characteristics don't work for you. Is it possible to get away for a few days, get a clear head? Leave a neutral note for when he wakes up? Or would that kick off something else - if so I think that is its own answer.

It is totally ok to walk out, I don't get the impression you're the one with a teenagery reputation to throw off.

Also depends slightly on what you mean by "very rude", can you give an example?

I've attempted to leave before during arguments. He gets very upset and tries to stop me. We've lived together for over a year now and been together for a bit longer. He's woken up now and is making us food. I think he would kick off in a major way if I left to get space. Which, you are right, is a sign in itself.
When we argue he is unrelenting. Like a dog with a bone. He tries to shh me and becomes deeply sarcastic. He is a deflector too.
He has changed enormously over our relationship and we are usually very happy but I just feel ground down.

So you lived together pretty quickly then. Sounds like you moved it along too fast and now you're seeing what he's really like.

It's got nothing to do with ADHD if he has changed recently, as you say.

TBH, from what you've said he's an arsehole. Fuck someone being sarcastic. Move out, move on.

We were together about 6 months before we moved in. Probably a bit quick but there we go!
He's a really good person. I've been with plenty of horrible ones. That's the reason I'm in a quandary

Good person doesn't mean a good match.

I'd take the positives from the situation - you are moving in the right direction when it comes to picking partners. You found someone who was essentially a good bloke, but not quite the right personality match. Next time you can get both right!

No point dragging this out for either of you.

I question your definition of a really good person!

• unrelenting in arguments
• shhs you (no fucker would do that and stay with me!)
• is sarcastic
• he's changed, and not for the better
• he explodes
• he's awful when he argues with you
• he put you off doing out with him and friends

Frankly, he sounds like a shit.
That he is less of a shit than some arsehole you dated previously does not make him a good man.

I think that's an excellent post from @BrokenBattleDroid

OP, I never meant to imply that you couldn't leave, just that ghosting him while he slept wasn't the mature way to handle it. At least leave a note.

I think your best option at this point is to get your own flat, or it you can't afford that look for a roommate situation. Then move out and at least take some time off from the relationship.

The sarcasm and shushing are both signs of hostility and would be deal breakers for me. What kills most relationships is contempt, and that's where that style of arguing comes from.

OP, just one final thought, don't try and sort anything out with him tonight! NYE is as bad as Christmas, drink and emotions will be around, and could either explode in a really horrible argument OR push you into recommitting to him on the basis of some limp apology. Keep your own counsel, be calm, do what suits you best tonight, and figure out what you want to do in the days ahead. FWIW he doesn't sound like a keeper to me, I agree with the others that those are not nice characteristics and it all sounds quite tiring.

Thank you for the advice everyone. We have had an ok night in the end. I'm tired and have decided to get some space.
When I said about him changing I didn't add for the better. He has improved a lot over our time together. He tries so hard. It's a little bit heart breaking. There is no malice in his behaviour. Just a massive element of dumbass.
He always means well. He is just very quick to see red and is not naturally empathetic. He would like to be though. We had a huge discussion this morning about how to see how comments might be hurtful despite the intent and how to deal with that in a sympathetic not defensive manner.
It's like I'm a teacher. And it can be very tiring. But never before have I met someone so willing and in many ways able to change.
Sorry for the extra long slightly tipsy spleurgh of words! Thanks!

I never realised how much better it feels just to write things down.

I think it's OK to have a relationship where you both help each other to grow and change but just aren't quite right together.

It is a shame if he is really making the effort to change and be a better person, but that's not a reason to be with someone.

If you do decide to break up but are worried about how to pitch it, something along the lines of: I really like and respect you, I'm attracted to you and there is so much that I love about 'us'. However, there are times I feel like I have a teacher role in our relationship. That niggles away at me and I khow I will end up resenting that. I feel I need to end the relationship. It's absolutely nothing you've done wrong and I do feel incredibly sad about it. I've found it so refreshing and heartening to be able to be in a partnership with someone who is a genuinely decent person and you have given me hope for the future after dating a string of arseholes - we just aren't quite the perfect fit.

It's really helped when someone has broken up with me for 'good' reasons and actually explained themself, not just cheated or waltzed off. It shows the effort put in wasnt without reason, that it was just one helpful step towards finding a good partner.

Sorry that's really waffly, can't quite decide whether to delete or hit post... Ah to heck with it!