What happens to relationship when you change alot?

[idpreferanegroni]

My dp is a nice guy, as in no drink issues, good dad, puts the rubbish out etc

But the last few years, since having a kid it doesn't feel right. I'd like to leave. I'd like more from the relationship now, I don't think I asked for much previously. I always put this huge effort into us, planning, cooking, thinking of things to do, tolerating his work/moods/pretty grim family. But now I want him to put some effort in too.

But these days I'd like him to be thoughtful of me. I'd like him to be outraged when one of his family members says or does something awful to me instead of 'they're their own person, nothing I can do about it.' I'd like him to sometimes priorise me over our dc or his work. I'd like him to put some energy into 'us'.

I think my self-esteem has gone up since kids. I so wish I'd asked for more before. But really I want to feel loved in the way I've loved him rather than just tolerated.

What do people do in this situation? As in he's not doing anything properly wrong to leave him but for years(ever) now I don't feel special. We have tried couples counselling and he sits there as in any social situation acting all nice, rather than the withdrawn sulky switched off version I can get at home. And I just come across as unreasonable.

Is this normal? Is this just how couples are?

I have no idea if this is how all couples are. All I know is that I left someone who was like this. I changed and realised my self worth. Also realised I was attracted to people I had to take care of who never cared to take care of me (I don't believe I felt I deserved someone to care for me.)
Now I'm dating again, and met someone who is taking care of me which is completely alien to me but lovely.

Basically if you've been to counselling and he won't change and you've talked about it and he won't change. Then I guess you need to tell him what you want from the relationship, but it sounds like he will continue to be how he is. Unfortunately you can't change people, but over time we all change and sometimes I do think we can grow apart from the person we have been with. The worst thing about relationships to me is how comfortable people can get and how they can stop trying - that's what kills a relationship.
I'd continue to talk to him, but also continue to know your self worth and work on loving yourself. If he won't give you what you deserve, don't be afraid to be on your own until you meet someone who will.

Thanks Meowimacat!

I'm peased to hear that you're dating someone great. And I can imagine I'd get that 'alien' feeling too. I get it even if a potential friend is nice and mutual rather than using.