Boyfriend on family holiday, AIBU to suggest it?

[Mintychoc1]

I'm planning our summer holiday, and I'm wondering if it would be acceptable to invite my boyfriend along too.

I'm a single parent, DCs age 12 and 8. Both conceived by donor sperm, so it's always just been the 3 of us.

I was happily single for years, but met my boyfriend nearly 2 years ago. I introduced him to the kids after about 4 months - just a couple of days out, that sort of thing. DS1 has taken a while to adjust - he's very "possessive" of me - and in the early days we had quite a few rows about it. DS2 has been fine all along. In the last maybe 8 months, DS1 has been fine about it too.

Boyfriend visits 3 evenings a week, when the kids are in bed. He stays over maybe once every couple of months. He comes with me to watch my kids play football once a week (we're all big footie fans). And in the past 2 years we've been on 3 weekends away, the 4 of us. That's the extent of his contact with my DCs.

I've found the last 2 summer holidays quite hard work. Maybe I'm getting older, or maybe our holidays have got more adventurous, I'm not sure - but taking the kids abroad on my own and dealing with absolutely everything seems harder than it used to be. I also miss my boyfriend when we're away.

So I'm thinking of asking the kids if they'd mind if he joined us this year.

Would that be completely unreasonable?

No

Don't take him if you are expecting him to just be a 'help' .

I mean no, it would not be unreasonable.

Sounds fine to me

Don't see why not

Thank you for the replies.
cremefresh he wants to come, and he knows he'd be helping as well as having a holiday. He's a really lovely person who sees how tough life is for a working single parent, and wants to make my life easier if he can. His kids are grown up so he has lots of free time in day-to-day life.

Sounds like a good idea. You've been with him for quite a while now. No reason why you shouldn't all enjoy a family holiday.

So long as you ask them I see no issues. I hope that they say yes!

Sounds like the next logical step in your, and your dc’s relationship with him

Not unreasonable at all. Enjoy your holiday, with your boyfriend and kids.

DS1 is very resistant to change, so I worry that he will see this change in annual family holiday as a complete disaster. He copes fine with external changes in his life (starting secondary school, making new friends etc), but expects me to remain exactly the same as I always have been. I know his first response will be NO WAY to the holiday suggestion.

I'll speak to the kids and see what happens. Thank you for your opinions everyone - I just wanted to check that what I was proposing wasn't totally unreasonable before I raised the issue with them.

How about being honest with the kids and say I get too tired so if if just us three we'll do x (easy, UK option) but if bf comes it's easier for me and we can do y (something slightly more adventurous than last year).

Whether you offer a day or a choice or not is up to you (so determines if you present this as a choice or a fait accompli). I'd go for the fait accompli though - you don't want dc1 to start thinking he can bully you...

Yes I think I'll make it clear to them that we'll get to do more fun stuff if there's another adult around.

It's a fine line isn't it, between taking your childrens' views into consideration, and allowing them to dictate how you live.

Would probably be more sensible to take a shorter break somewhere else first - one or two nights in UK, bed them all in gently?

How about a comprimise: 1st half if hoiday just you 3, then bf flies out for the last half.

You might find the journey there less stressful knowing you wont have to do the return alone too.

Doesn't it rather depend if bf is actually going to help or just distract op from her dc. Could make the situation with ds1 more awkward if it becomes a battle for her attention. However if dc are willing then go ahead but set ground rules. You may find that the intensity of being together males or breaks the relationship. Maybe offer a short break together but also plan some time away alone with dc.

whitney we've done 3 UK breaks - first was OK, probably a bit too early in the relationship to be honest (about 7 months in), but we had both independently booked to go to the same event so it ended up happening. The second was pretty awful - DC1 really struggled with it - that was about a year ago. Then we had a fantastic mini break in the summer, it went really well.

I like the option of my boyfriend joining us half way through, but it seems a bit mean to ask him to pay for flights for just a 3 day holiday.

I think doing a few separate things could be a good compromise. I'm sure my boyfriend would happily forego a water park trip and go on his own to somewhere historical on one or two days! That way my kids would have time with just me.

It is a fine line, and especially tricky when one kid is easygoing and reasonable yiu are happy to hear their views and the other is much more demanding and vocal....(and no, I haven't cracked it either)

Personally I think it's fine and has been long enough that DS1 needs to suck it up to some extent.

I think that after 2 years its fine. I think the doing some stuff apart is a good idea but bear in mind that when I tried something similar when my boyfriend's dc were little his daughter got upset because she thought i was going off on my own because I didnt want to hang out with her rather than because I thought they might want time alone with their daddy

I think it’s fine, and I would NOT give the kids the option. It’s not up to them and they do not run your life or your boyfriend’s life. Be sensitive about it and talk through any concerns but don’t present it as if it’s your DCs’ choice.