My DH is antiosocial and I cant stand it... perspective please

[jazztonic]

Longtime lurker here. Not sure if its the christmas season and/or end of year bluesor having DH off work for 2 weeks but its driving me up the wall and i am pickering and grumpy. Maybe I just need to have a rant...

Married for 15 years, 2 DD (8+10). He is from country A, I am from country B, we live in country C (which means no family here, friends who come and go due to location and jobs). we run a business together where he is on the frontline (brave face, managing staff, clients, ...) whereas I work behind the scene. I somehow manage to switch off in the evenings when I am with the children whereas he is "on" the best part of 12 hours 7 days a week. when he gets home he wants to chill. Have dinner, put the children to bed, and have a cup of tea in front of the telly.
Me however, having sat in the office all day looking at the screen doing numbers need to chat, talk, get out have a laught, socialise...

He has a hobby that he loves and plays on the weekends, then comes home, doesnt go out with friends for drinks in the evenings, doesnt drink at all ...no antics as such. If we go out we do it as a family, no friends or childrens friends. Its not that he "dislikes" my friends, he just doesnt want to hang out (dinners, picnics, bike rides, walks...) you name it, he rather stays at home than coming out with other people.

Tonight were invited to "my" friends house for NYE dinner/drinks/party. He rather not come, but will show his face because he actually likes said friend but will be busy on his phone, sit in a corner and not hide that he is uncomfortable and rather be at home. There will be other husbands there but he isnt interested in chatting/smalltalk...he is simply not interested.
I find it embarassing and often tell him not to bother if he sits there with a long face.
I often feel like a single mother rocking up at various events by myself always excusing DH as being busy, working or playing his hobby. We cant have people around the house (or a few select whicho come from his job/work back ground) for dinner, drinks or a coffee. If I have someone around he makes himself rare.....

sorry for the long post....

It's the opposite with me and my dh. I spend my working day with lots of people, smiling politely and making small talk. By the end I'm all peopled out. Dh on the other hand doesn't. He's much more social. H goes out a lot with my blessing. I stay in a lot with his blessing.
I would hate to think my dh would be embarassed by my lack of sociability. I am not an extension of him, i am a person in my own right and have the right to enjoy or not enjoy whatever i like. He doesn't force you to not socialise. Why are you forcing him to when ypu know he doesn't enjoy it?
Stop making up excuses that are acceptable to you. Simply tell friends he values his down time and get on with your socialising.

Thank you for your input things..I really get that and he is happy to come home and close the front door after a day at work. Im not forcing him to go out. I would love him to come and come out with me. He doesn´t like me going out neighter though... before I am out the door he makes sure to tell me not to be home late or wake him when I get in because he needs his sleep. Hardly ever asks who with or where I am going or how it was the next day eventhough I normally go out with the same group of people (whose names he usually doesn´t remember from one time to another). I usually sleep in the guest room or the sofa now when I go out so I dont wake him up.
I don´t go out that often, maybe dinner once or twice a month with girlfriends, someones birthday party or just before christmas there I went to a few christmas parties by myself. Invitations to other peoples houses have naturally stopped as we never return invitations back to our house for a BBQ or dinner.

Couples who play together, stay together.....

My STBXH was exactly like this OP. Friends of friends used to joke that they thought my DH didn't really exist because he never came to any of the parties so never saw us together.

yes, I had that comment in the past as well.

I really don't think saying don't be late and try not to wake me up when you get in is unreasonable. If it is i must be a controlling bitch. Lol. I'm not overly interested in what happened on dh's nights out either. If i was i would have gone

However, if he is making if difficult for you to go or sulking when you go out, then that's another story. But there doesn't seem to be anything like that. He's just not interested.

Maybe you're just not compatible? I am hugely antisocial in the way you describe your DH, I don't feel comfortable around people and given the choice I'd always stay in. It's Just who I am, I'm not miserable or mean I have got to an age where I'm comfortable with this being who I am. I spent years trying to be 'normal' and enjoy social events but it was exhausting and I didn't like being something that was false to me.

Neither of you are wrong or odd, you're just different.

Not going is fine. Saying "don't be late" is absolutely not alright. Nor is being invited somewhere and sitting on your phone all night.

You've just described my dp. I'd be lying if I said I'm ok with it, but I have made my peace with it, and I don't make excuses for him - my friends all know he's basically unsociable and prefers time on his own. I just go on my own. He doesn't question where I'm going or how late I'll be though. or ask if I had a nice time

Unless he's stopping other people socialising, he's not antisocial at all. He's asocial.

But of course the way you are isn't wrong either.

Some people make these kinds of relationships work well, because it's time apart that helps them keep their sense of themselves as individuals and helps them appreciate each other more.

But that approach isn't for everyone. If it's really important to you to do things like that with your parter - which is fine - then I could see it being a fundamental incompatibility, and you might want to reassess how happy you can really be with him. For example, I can imagine that if being sociable is a part of yourself that's really important to you, then it must be hurtful to have a partner who doesn't "see" it, because they're not wanting you for who you really are.

It´s good to get your insights asocial/antisocial fellow mumsnetters.

I guess most of the time I do make "peace" with it and don´t let it bother me. But its occasions like tonight that ruffle my feathers....He just mentioned that maybe they have the darts on at my friends house so he should be ok for a while (I doubt they will) so I just said, don´t worry about it, don´t come if you don´t want to (biting my tongue...) pop in at midnight if you like. The alternative to going out would be staying at home and watching the TV all night. The kids like to go out as lots of their friends will be there, too.

A different but similar situation was our daughters First Communion earlier this year. Coming from different countries it is important to me to introduce her to my culture (I don´t speak my language to the children because DH said he didn´t want me to as he felt left out for not understanding what was said when they were babies- that was of course years ago and I know I have been an idiot for going along with that request). He was brought up with some religious education but is an atheist now (I respect that) ; he was adament not to come to the communion ceremony at church. He did come in the end but only because I told him not to worry "we don´t need him there". Him being there absolutely made our DD´s day! phew .. it´s good to vent.

Go without him, you'll have much more fun. My ex was like this, didn't want to go anywhere, this was one of the reasons we split up. I don't see the point in being with someone that doesn't want to socialise with their partner.

My dh isn't the most sociable and is happiest at home. I have lots of social activities with my friends. But there are times ..like your party tonight..when l over rule him and say l want you to come and l want you to make an effort. And he does. His natural first reaction is to be negative about an invitation but l tell him that sometimes he cannot live by his feelings but do it for me. Often he enjoys it then.
But no way am l living for the next 30 ywars with someone who doesn't make a bloody effort. I would insist and l would say something about the phone too as thats so rude.
Sometimes my dh chooses to leave before me especially at my family occasions aswe are a massive family and can do late but l don't mind that as he has made an effort.

It sounds as though you aren’t really compatible. Maybe you should think if you want this for the rest of your life?

It's finding tbat happy medium where you're both ok with it.

Like JuneBirthdayGirl I over-rule my husband on occasions that I feel are important and let him know what I would like him to do for me. Otherwise I leave him back at home and he is happy with that.

I'm the same as your husband OP. I find socialising draining. He's an introvert. There's nothing wrong with that, no reason to be embarrassed.

He sounds a bit like my DP - he's been known to go to bed after having people in the house for any period of time! It does annoy me but not that much. I'd rather go out and have a nice time without him looking like a wet Wednesday than try to jolly him along etc. He's unlikely to change so it's up to you to decide how to handle it.