Want to leave dh but I'm unemployed, how can I make this work financially?

[EffinIneffable]

Things with dh have been rough since ds was born 2 years ago. Last Christmas was awful and this year's was dreadful too. I don't hold out much hope that we can work things out and I don't want to bring my son up in such a miserable household. But dh is financially generous and has supported me over the last few years while I finish studying. So although I've not been employed I've not been a sahm either. The house is in my name and the monthly repayments quite small, but I can't afford all the bills, mortgage, and childcare on my own without a job. And without childcare I can't get a job. And so it seems a vicious cycle. Any tips for where to start sorting myself out financially? What might I be entitled to in terms of benefits and from dh? I really don't want to have to sell the house.

Looking at this slightly longer term...

If you’ve done your degree why don’t you speak to your husband about going back to work and getting childcare if he is generous financially then even if technically all your salary “goes on childcare” (note: I do not agree with the sentiment, household income should be joint and you are enabling him to work, but it’s a common view) then at least you will have started the road to financial independence. I’d position it as wanting to do something for myself/not making her son your whole world etc.

Spousal maintenance is incredibly rare and given you’ve been in education - I doubt you would be awarded any.

Assuming he is not mid/high level violent abusive The relationship just isn’t working I’d get your ducks in a row and wait it out until you are in a better position.
You will be likely much better off in the mid-long term if you can get yourself in a position to stay in the house - moving into rental is a nightmare for a few reasons (costs, lack of security etc)

Thanks. Ds is in childcare three days a week already but statutory maintenance wouldn't cover keeping him there. Getting a job is definitely in the plan, but not sure how long it will take, and whether I can find part time. I don't want to work full time, though I'd consider it if there was no other option, but then if course that's more expense on childcare. We may not last till I get a job, but no, there's no abuse as such. What do people mean exactly by being ducks in a row?

*getting

Not sure how it works if you jointly own the house and are married - but there are plenty of single mother's who claim UC and child tax and live comfortably as single parents in rental accom with no job. I'm not saying it's the best option, or easiest - but it happens, and the money is enough to get by on. I would personally look into that. Get some advice from DWP and CAB. If you got into that position you could move forward with child care and working P/T in the area of your degree. You need some advice about your options from people who know exactly what you will be entitled to and how to go about it.

You may be entitled to jsa, housing benefit and universal credit. If you can talk to your partner about maintenance.

An online benefits calculator will tell you what you can claim

Getting your ducks in a row means getting everything sorted out eg solicitors, research benefits, dig out all relevant paperwork ie get everything ready to launch.

That said.. I really can't help noticing he is generous financially. This is generally an exceptionally good sign in a person. I appreciate you've had your difficulties and life is utterly miserable but have you done everything possible to address your difficulties? Have you been to couples counselling, gone on marriage workshops?

Bcs, frankly, divorce is hard. Ime the misery didn't end when the divorce came through. Far from it - though my husband was abusive so it was my only choice.

I wouldn't blame your ex for feeling like he was used. To have him help fund your life so you can study and then you ditch him once you've had the easy ride? And even after him being generous, you will ditch him once you find a job. And that's a part-time job so he should also then financially help you? I feel sorry for the poor guy.

Thanks all. Springydaffs yes I am trying to persuade him to try counselling. We've just been in this situation so often, that I'm not really hopeful it will help.

fatso your comment has really upset me, I've been worrying about it all day. I've not been stringing my h along for the money, we've been completely honest with each other throughout and both recognise the relationship is floundering. We've both supported each other in different ways at different times. And I'm not sure what your solution would be - I don't think that staying in a miserable marriage because he'd financially supported me would be the best idea for either of us. I don't want to abuse him financially, I just want to find a way to be financially independent so that we can go our separate ways. If that means selling my house and renting then that will be what I have to do, but if I can avoid it for the sake of my son, I will, hence the request for practical advice. Happy New Year.

I think you need a hug Effin

@fatso1978
Your comments to the OP were very nasty.
OP asked for help on her post. I do not think your reply was in the least helpful. Perhaps you should read posts very carefully in future before you respond.