Selfish husband or asking too much?

[michaelaeloise1]

I know we all have a moan about our DH now and then but i do struggle with whether i am a nagging wife or he really is not pulling his weight. We have 2 boys, 3 and 5 who are a real handful... relocated last year into a rennovation project which is close to my parents who were going to be helping out with the children whilst i was working. Since then both of my parents have been diagnosed with terminal illnesses and need more help than me, hence i have had to leave my job to be able to get children to school and nursery etc. We dont really have any other help as my DH parents live part time 60 miles away, and the rest in Spain, my brother is a 6 hour drive away and my DH sister 5 hours away. My husband works very hard which i totally understand and appreciate but i do feel like i am just a doormat. He is always the last one up, stays up late, plays football after work every wed, goes running 2-3 times a week, goes out socially 1-3 times a month and holds a season ticket for his football team for which he expects to attend the majority of matches. I know he tells me i can do whatever i want whenever but that doesn't really leave me much time! I'm just looking at the calendar for Jan and i can see there's 3 Saturday football games written on there.... don't get me wrong, i love some time apart but i do feel like i'm having the piss taken right out of me, or am i just being too harsh? He does help out with the basics when he's here but anything else usually ends up in an argument and him telling me i just need to ask. I'm at my wits end and am really starting to resent him, help!

How does he expect you to do whatever you want if he’s off doing stuff all the time? Does he expect the kids to look after themselves?!

You are having huge changes to deal with - a do er upper, terminally ill parents and giving up your job - any of those things are massive and hard to cope with and it seems to be all on you. Your husband has retained his "sense of entitlement" - as he is the breadwinner he deserves no question to go to football matches, go running - he probably feels he "needs" these things as he is working. He is putting his wants first and not giving thought to your situation and easily washing his hands of it by the "you only have to ask" comment - oh so reasonable.

What do you want - him to pull his weight at home more? Acknowledgement of all that you do? You need to work out and jot down how you want things to change and discuss it with him. He needs to take responsibility too. If you get a flippant "only have to ask" type comment you will know he is being selfish and leaving all the mental load to you. The resentment you are feeling will build and alienate you,

Hold a mirror up to your relationship.

He says you can take the same time as he does so DO IT!

Match the time he has for himself and make sure you take it, even if you have nothing planned. You need to do this so you get time for yourself, even if that time is just the luxury of switching off and not being a wife and mother. You also need to do this to highlight how much time he’s getting for himself and how little time you are getting together as a family or a couple.

Unfortunately in my experience people make excuses not to. This unwillingness is what makes us doormats.