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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Him, her and the affair

18 replies

GodFather · 31/12/2017 00:54

How do I start this. I am a make, and was the affair partner of my best mate...also male. Don't worry it gets more interesting.

OK 2.5yrs ago my friend split with his partner, we went out drinking and ended up sleeping with each other. This was bit if a shock to both of us as neither of us knew that we had same sex attractions before...never came up in conversation.

This continued for few months casually. He got back with his partner and she fell pregnant. We never spoke of what happened between us with anyone or between us again.

About 6months later his partner was away and I visited for the evening, next thing I knew we were in bed. I felt awful afterwards and swore blindly it would never happen again.

After his baby was born I went to visit them. He offered me a lift back....Yes you guessed it we ended up in bed again. This time though it was different we had feelings and it continued for few months.

Next thing was she admitted to sleeping with a guy while pregnant. My friend was upset, trying to put it into context I did tell him he slept with me so shouldnt be too cross. Couple months later she found out through the messages he was sending he and I slept together.

Contact was stopped for about a year. I was later contacted by them that he wanted our friendship back. I agreed on the terms we a had to sit down put in boundaries and talk. it never happened.

6months later after arguments on all sides they split. He came over to stay and we ended up sleeping with each other. Though he really missed his kids. She came over said she needed him back she couldn't cope. I spoke with him gave him a choice go back make it work or stay separated and short his head out. He broke down in tears told me he loved me but missed his kids. He got back with her.

4 weeks later she fell pregnant, I found out while he popped over to pick up some bits, basically she told him she was keeping the child or he wouldn't see his boys. Later that week huge argument between all of us, lots of fall out. I lost my temper and exposed both the affairs to everyone then disappeared.

I hadbt heard from them for about a year. Recently they have been in contact. She wants no contact with me but she wants him to have his best friend back. After only getting my head back I am still not sure but I agreed to talk with him. 3months on we are talking much better. He tells me his relationship is prefect.

Here is the point of my post, he has started calling me by my nickname that we had, and over Xmas he asked why I never called him by his nickname we had, he asks why I don't say I love him like before or send kisses.

My honest opinion, I am stupid for letting him back in my life, she is fool for letting him have contact and blindly ignoring me, he is yawning for attention from me gets jealous if I see other people for coffee.

Or is the rare case of humanities best, of forgive and moving on.

Sorry to ramble....opinions. So much advice for the cheated..but never got the other person

OP posts:
isitmyturnyet · 31/12/2017 01:16

Jeezo.

If this is true, stay well away.

Gemini69 · 31/12/2017 01:26

Sweetheart... in the kindest possible words.... THEY are both of them... Toxic... and will destroy what self esteem you still have....

She will ignore you.. he will seduce you .. she will blame you for destroying their 'in his words' perfect relationship..... he will go back.. she will fall pregnant again... you will be left out in the cold .. bla bla bla bla...

please take this opportunity to close the door firmly.... and don't look back Flowers

Gemini69 · 31/12/2017 01:28

begin your New Year with a fresh clean shiny new page Xmas Grin

Weezol · 31/12/2017 01:29

Stay well away. You deserve more than being someone's guilty secret or bit on the side.

ChickieBoo · 31/12/2017 01:38

Find your dignity, pull up your big boy pants and move on.

He isn't a best friend at all, he is toxic.
All he wants from you is sex. There's something he is missing from his DP so he is coming to you. You deserve better and should be with someone that is on your level. No children, no partners etc.

Time to cut it for good I say.

Armychef30 · 31/12/2017 01:45

You sort of sound like me mate 2 years ago after being in love with my male best mate for a year before that we sleep together 2 months of me and him having an affair and then his wife also one of my good friends finds out we all end up sleeping together up until that point in my life never have I slept with a woman
Anyway...a few month down the line we begin to start a relationship as a 3 for the first 8 months amazing tho struggling a little with sexuality then a few days before Xmas something very serious happened via a malicious allegation they are both being investigation we lost our jobs they were my bosses and life got pretty tough they lost their home moved in with me. Financially we were funked it seemed like problem after problem she began to drink heavily it was like living on eggshells then vigilanges started coming we had to move leave everything everyone we moved in August, got jobs lifew calmed however the damage had set I was really down also I had long term heart and gallbladder problems then one day out of the blue in Oct she boomed went mad over nothing packed up and left so did he the day after they were not together but he said because she left he also felt he had to,told me he didn't want to live together then 4 weeks later they get a flat 200m away from our home and move in yes together I've been heartbroken lonely and headfuckedo they both say it's so we can all have our own time to try get the investigation sorted then we can look at living tgtry, this is long winded but I think what I'm trying to say is please be careful with an established couple there's only one lower and I'm afraid thas you and me right now I don't know if we will ever get to the point of how we were again I do know my self esteem and my self worth has taken a kicking my advice to you phase him out keep the memories no one can take and be happy that at least you have them but sorry sweetheart your never going to win hugs xx

Fitbitironic · 31/12/2017 01:56

You have all been extremely disrespectful to each other with all the lies and cheating. I fail to see why any of you would want to continue such a toxic relationship. Seriously immature. Stay out of it and be with someone who you can be honest with.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2017 05:25

A friendship with him is a bad idea. Is he sure all those children are his? I'd be doing a paternity test to make sure .... but that's his problem.

Stay away from the both of them. No good will come from it.

Angelf1sh · 31/12/2017 06:08

Block and delete.

GodFather · 31/12/2017 07:59

Isitmyturnyet - I loved you comment. Sadly this is true and is a fraction of the saga.

But this aside I wanted different opinions to people who know me as they will only try to protect me.

However what has been said is exactly what I knew. The trust between us is gone. He will have the advantage knowing that me and his partner aren't talking, she will always be overthinking...he says she doesn't....I don't believe that

They say their relationship is prefect since new baby arrived in August, fact in run up to Xmas and New year excitement....it will start getting difficult again.

Oh well not going to be my problem any more

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 31/12/2017 08:42

I’d stay well away to protect yourself.

trojanpony · 31/12/2017 10:01

What will this arrangement(?) look like 2 years from now

I’ll wager more of the same drama/mess

Honestly, Run for the hills and don’t look back
They both sound like complete headwreckers

Isetan · 31/12/2017 10:59

They are using you for their dysfunctional relationship dynamic which will be to their benefit, not yours. Stay out of the blast area and block them.

In the future avoid such obvious headfuckery.

Gemini69 · 31/12/2017 12:58

I'm you sought out a fresh pair of eyes OP.... you will be able to think a bit clearer now.. knowing that it's not you that is Toxic.. it's them.. Flowers

GodFather · 31/12/2017 13:27

Gemini69 thank you. I am not "stupid" I am adult too and am.not faultess or blameless in the situation, I played my part and it is now my burden to carry. But your right they are toxic

OP posts:
Huskylover1 · 31/12/2017 15:02

You will only ever be his "bit on the side". Always kept secret. Only ever used for extra marital sex. Don't you want a normal relationship with someone who loves you and is yours only?

I'm agog that she took him back, and even more so, got pregnant again by him. Uugh. I could never look at him again, tbh.

BLOCK. DELETE. START 2018 FRESH.

Gemini69 · 31/12/2017 15:39

Enjoy your New Year GodFather Xmas Grin

GodFather · 31/12/2017 17:20

HuskyLover1, no i hope I would never sleep with that again. I am not delusional haha. I couldn't be with someone as their bit on the side. I would like a partner m or f...why be fussy 😂😂 who wants to be with me.

Only reason I suppose I agreed to the first round of trying to sort things out was he was my best friend for 9yrs.

The only positive of this situation is I am now openly bi, not that I hid it before just never needed to advertise it.

Even now looking at texts he sends, I am first person he texts everyday, he always messages before bed...not even going to say anymore.... He is toxic not a friend

OP posts:
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