Tell me stories of how your life improved post divorce. Please. I am almost two years separated and not able to move on yet.

[ferriswheel]

All the usual manipulative boring reasons why it can't get dealt with. Please keep me focused. Please tell me how your life changed for the better when you got rid of your pig. Any tips and anything you would have done differently?

For me I was finally away from my lying, cheating, fabrication of a husband. We had been married for 12 years, but only really in name for 7 - led very seperate lives for last 5. Wish I’d found stuff earlier so I could have moved on sooner - although would not have met the gorgeous man I’m with now.

Life has a way of sorting it self out.

And by ending my marriage, I sorted myself out.

Did you? I'm so relieved to hear that. I feel like such a mess. I guess I hide from friends too as some of their judgement has really hurt. I guess it's not a good time of year and it's hard not to think about it all.

It's up to you but you may get more responses on the relationships board. If you report your post you can ask them to move it xx

Thank you.

Hi OP. Thanks for your report. We'll move this over to Relationships for you now.

I think 2 years is not long to recover from something really painful. When I left my x, somebody said to me that it takes five years to get over something really painful and I remember thinking, no way, I haven't got that long. I need to be over this {checks watch} in a year, tops. Obviously along the way I had a happy moments, but there was also so much self-doubt, powerlessness, fear of the future, hesitancy, worry (amongst other emotions as well) that I was free from my x physically but not mentally free. I think it took a good five years before I just realised calmly that I no longer gave a shiny tihS what my x thought about anything.

I recommend reading Anne Dickson's ''A woman in your own right'' as it really reminds you of your rights as a human being, and how to avoid having the boundaries you have a right to eroded. It also portrays how people 'play out' in various situations when they feel powerless. The purpose of the book is not to diagnose others but it really helped me to be able to see through the (bad) behaviours of others around me and to avoid falling in to the trap of behaving pettily myself.

I felt judged for a long time but I think I was judging myself before others could. So colluding with their judgment of me in a way. Rather than rejecting judgment full stop. As though, people judging me would have meant anything other than that they were judgmental!?

There is lots on you tube that will help you stop caring what people think. Listen to something every day. It takes a long time for it to penetrate. Rationally you listen to it but it takes a lot of work for it to really sink right in.

It’s so difficult isn’t it. I am 18 months past unwanted marriages breakup (STBX had EA and then left). I have phases where I feel myself but, all in all, I am still very anxious and hide away too often alone at home. I know I am doing it but I am scared to put myself out there again.

I suppose it just takes time but I wonder how long it will be.

Even though we were broke, he’d haemorrhaged money in pubs and gambling, me and the kids had more when he left. I wasn’t scared to go home. No longer the chief skivvy even though I worked FT with the higher salary I never saw any of it. Should have got rid of it sooner, he was excess baggage in our marriage. I felt judged particularly by family, no divorce in our family and all that crap. Just over three years for my self esteem to return and to get my head straight. A lot of long term friends never spoke to me again, and I couldn’t care less about them. They thought he was brilliant life and soul of the party etc, shame he was such a shit at home to his wife and kids. The in laws were toxic so I was left going it NC.

It’s like a massive weight lifted from my shoulders, the kids were happier and improving at school. I wasn’t constantly on edge, worrying about what would happen if I had to go it alone with the kids. Its the hardest thing I’ve ever done, lots of self doubt. It proved one thing I’m stronger than I thought. You only get 1shot at life, is a shame to waste it worrying about things that you can’t fix.

A woman in your own right sounds good. Exactly right actually.

I feel so inferior.

You're not inferior but it's easier to blame yourself than admit that he's just not good enough.

I stayed longer than I should have and could only see that after he'd gone.
The list of controls and restrictions I had grown used to and barely noticed seemed tiny but 2.5 years later, I can see how long it was and how utterly unreasonable most of what was on it was!
DS (not his DC) was resistant to change so asked me to reconsider but now is so much happier and more relaxed.

My friends and family are amazed at how different me and my home are- physically and mentally decluttered. Unexpectedly, people have told me how much they admire me for going through with the divorce knowing that it would financially cripple me.

My decisions are mine, I see who I want, go where I please and am no longer mocked for choosing to be who I am.

Meanwhile I hear ex isn't doing so well, still constant family dramas and conflicts (largely of his own making). He has reverted to self neglect to the point that he has developed Type 2 diabetes and had a heart attack recently as I'm no longer around to nag him about his diet/drinking/smoking/medication. He didn't want me to find out strangely enough but I'm not gloating, it's sad.

Marie

What controls and restrictions did you abide by?

Have you ever considered trusting anyone else?

God the list is endless, moody misogynist was his name! He had issues around food, wouldn't have pork in the house (not religious) and if he didn't like whatever it was then would put everyone else in the house off of it.
What time we got up/went to bed/ did anything had to suit him. Couldn't talk in the room while he watched tv (24/7) and obviously he had total control over the remote and car stereo.
Phobic about normal women's bodily functions so made me feel like a leper every month. Everything had to be his way/idea or the moaning and PA stropping about would be endless. Constantly treading on eggshells to avoid rows but would be sweetness and light if anyone else was around. And that's alongside the manifestation of a previously hidden addiction to alcohol, weed and gambling. What a catch eh

I know most men are not like him and have occasionally considered dipping my toe in the dating pool again. My tolerance for even the slightest sign of such behaviours is zero though and a first date last year went no further after a flash of something I'd have totally dismissed in the past.

Happy to stay single than go back to even a fraction of what I put up with in my marriage!