Partner or playmate?

[Mytrustybucket1]

Hi, have posted about dh before and have received helpful advice.
I'm posting this here and not in step-parenting as at this stage I can't understand his behavior as a partner.
We have read books on blending families and attended a year's worth of couple counseling a few years ago. I have learned to detach and not go fixing things that are not my concern, and dh has adhered to many pointers from professionals. Still... I can't shake the feeling I am a replaceable playmate, specially since the dsc are grown up.
We've always made an effort to find hobbies, interests over the years to create a sense of "coupledom", given we didn't have a honeymoon period or any together time pre kids. So even though I don't "own" these activities (we like a change every few years) I do feel put out that dh is more than eager to either include his dc or go off and "do" that particular activity/ interest with them without me. Sometimes it's really laughable! But not in a funny way.
And it's not like dh/dsc don't have their own likes and interests to share, I'm only too glad to let them have their special bonding time. I would consider myself rude to butt in (they would make a point of not letting me anyway).
My dc is also grown up now, I love having the odd lunch or chat to catch up. But would never dream of suggesting an activity my dh and I have "discovered" for ourselves. And dc would think I was being weird!
I suppose, despite marriage, I don't feel acknowledged as a "real partner", given that sex and paying bills can be had with a roommate, fwb kind of relationship too.
We have had this particular conversation before, me feeling like a roommate in a commune, and that was why we started making a conscious effort with activities...
I will definitely bring this up with dh when I see him again. He is presently visiting ILS with dsc over Xmas.
I'm writing this down to clear my head basically and hope that someone can offer suggestions on how to tackle the problem.
In my heart I know at best it's not malicious, at worst he's a man child and not fit to be with an adult woman.

You post reads to me as you being unhappy about something in the relationship.
You talk of your need to be acknowledged as a ‘real partner’ - which I guess I understand.
But I do wonder what issues in the past mast have created this idea that you are not real enough. And not acknowledged.
Did you maybe feel over the years that his previous family needs were put before yours? Or his kids didn’t like you?
There must be something like that that accumulated over the years.

Because, I find it hard to believe that it’s really you H going out to (let’s say) ‘scrapbook’ with your grown stepchildren. And you finding this somehow demonstrating that you are ‘replaceable’ - because you and H have discovered ‘scrapbooking’ as a couple.
This bit just sounds baffling on its own.

I don’t know what else to tell you but that you need to try to understand what you are really unhappy about and why.

Based on what you wrote your H doesn’t come out as a ‘man child’.

In some ways we are all replaceable. If i die (or leave) tomorrow - my H would remarry. Same vice versa. And life would go on.
Doesn’t make us roommates now.

Thanks for replying Josuk.
You sound very insightful. I could not think of a better description than man child because it feels to me that only a very naive person could think 'scrapbooking' as a conscious partner bonding activity could so then so easily be shared in turn with a dc that had previously not shown any interest in it before. Now I just sound mad.
But yes, I am unhappy and your reply may have actually hit the nail on the head. I feel pushed out by dsc but rather hoped by fencing off our "scrapbooking" it was a small gesture that could have gone a long way in making me feel secure in our relationship. Kind of, oh well, life isn't perfect, what is? But we shall always have our "scrapbooking"... Now it appears we don't.

OP - you are not mad. Just unhappy with something.

And to try to change that - it is helpful to understand why you feel this way?
Why are you feeling that you need to compete with his children? They are grown ups now and have their own lives, i presume.

Your H is married to YOU. Shares his life with you. At some point he chose to marry you and not anyone else.
Why do you have this pulpable need to ring-fence him and you? Make up ‘couple bonding activities’?
Who is going to take him away - his children? Another woman?

What are you really afraid of?
Him loving his children doesn’t make it impossible to love you.
I presume it’s true for you and your child.

As to the actual ‘scrapbooking’ - you H may have just enjoyed doing it - and hence invited his children to try it because it’s fun and they’ve never tried.
Like if H and I discover a new great restaurant - and I then take my friends there. Not to make it any less special a discovery for H and me, but to share the joy. To do something fun with friends.

I don’t think your H understand the way it looks to you.

You wouldn’t think it from my posts, but I was super confident entering our relationship. However, over time, I realized I was somehow ‘not enough’. Not acceptable as a stepmother, very little if any support from dh. This then made me feel inadequate as a partner, felt a marriage license would make our relationship real. Nope. No change.
From years of working with young people, having an open door policy with dc friends, I know I’m a kind, considerate person. I know I’m a reliable, faithful partner, both times round. I’m so very sad that I’m made to feel like nothing. It is so ridiculous to look for gestures of support from dh. I’m actually on ads for most of this year.
I’ve had counseling for just myself and the gist is basically to look after my own needs and not constantly cater to others. I guess I still need gestures from dh that i matter.

OP - but you matter. On your own right, not as a step-mother, or a wife.
But as a human!!!!!

You don’t need to have it confirmed by H or anyone else.

As to step-children - most likely - they struggled with the breakup of their family. So no step-mother would have been ok for them.
And your H was caught in between feeling guilty for breaking his family; trying to keep them happy; and trying to make you Ok.
As you are the adult, and your feelings of ‘inadequacy’ were more in your head than anything that he tried to do (at least from his point of view) - he focused more on keeping his kids happy.
As he should have. I would as well.
Kids are brought into divorce situations not by their own choices. And are less able to deal with it.

Too bad that your counselling didn’t get to the bottom of your issues.

Can you get any more sessions?

Re 'scrapbooking'... I think that creating a reason to spend time together is a good thing, like 'date night' it's so easy for life to get in the way.

But... I think if you're having to create something that's 'just for us, to bond' then it's all a bit forced, and the problem is quite big - the lack of bond quite big - and some random activity just isn't going to help.

I think when the bond is there, you don't care if one person brings the adult kids into it.

There nothing wrong with asking to get your needs met.