In Laws just awful people

[percypig2017]

Hello there,

I am at a desperate loss here with knowing how to deal with this as its actually making me very upset, angry, confused and really low to the point of not knowing how to handle a situation.

My partner is in his forties and myself in my early forties and I have come from a lovely family, both parents still married after 50 years and have never really rowed or shown any issues in the family just what I would call a lovely upbringing with a nice traditional feel to it with Dad being lovely and generous and mum being a fabulous mum helping where she could re anything.

Now, my partner's family are the complete opposite here. His dad (step dad) never wanted a family, he has disowned his 3 children from a previous marriage told my partner, when he split from his ex wife to never speak to the step daughter again, (as he would do this), his step daughter is really sweet and still keeps in contact with my partner, something his step dad hates and disagrees with completely. Its his rules or no rules...

He has a brother too who's dad is my partners real dad so his step brother is a stirrer and really nasty. He likes to make up stories, twist them and then control everything around him, he is always so angry. He tells everyone not to get christmas or birthday presents for the family and then turns around and asks why nobody bought anything for him or his daughter? Not only this but likes to create horrible scenes for the family so they all end up rowing. I am the only one in the situation who never agrees to meeting up with him or letting him in the house because of how he upset me and my partner. My partner is too nice and still gives in to him yet when he upset him he gets upset and angry, I wish he would just say something but never does.

The mum, well she is just in the middle putting her husband first so that she is or becomes very two faced in the middle of it. However one time myself and my partner had a row to the point of nearly breaking up last year because of all sorts of health and money issues, she told him never to see me again, when my partner told her, the dad said I was banned from the house. (really??)

Now that we are a year on, he still says I am banned, his mum still says things are not right and she has messed up with him and her other son to the point that nobody gets on, this has been like this since we first met 3 years ago. The worrying part of it is when my partner was going through his divorce with his ex, the brother and step dad went round to his exes house and pretty much were going round to punch her and have a go at her, who would do that?

Its disturbing me, as my partner is sticking by my side, however we cant go round to his parents anymore. I really feel on edge with his brother who is really nasty and lets my partner down all the time and still tries to control him. Then we have the mother who calls my partner every now and again admits she has messed up but cant do anything about it as her husband, is making all the rules here. She has ended up crying on the phone to my partner at goodness knows what hours in the morning only to treat us like this when we have one row?

So you can imagine not only am I not allowed in their house but his brother's girlfriend too doesnt even want to go around there anymore as she literally admitted she is in fear of them both and hates the arguments, the control and the drama that follows.

My parents don't understand it and it makes me really upset all the time more so when it comes to birthdays' christmas and new year its all false and all so immature like we are back at school so when we argue as a couple I can sense his dad in him coming out or his brother.

We tend to only argue say once every few months or so its not every week but when we do I have lost myself, feel torn and feel like I can never get anything resolved, he is still the one who is stronger and I am not, but the rest of the times we are amazing together we are...we get on so so well and he is very generous, loving and kind towards me. Just anger seems to get the better of him and he is highly defensive to the point of never getting through to him ever at all.

Its just his family, seriously its making me really miserable. I have been use to being with someone whose family is loving with me and kind and ok not perfect but at least they were inviting us over, etc,.

We are planing on having a family next year, but you know what, I wouldnt want this to be around me or the child its quite unsettling, distressing and very nasty to be around again something I am not use to or can relate to. My parents are very confused by it all and are saying they are unsure of how to feel or what to do apart from just ignore, but its very hard when the brother drags his family into things with my partner and the mother slates the son again and on it goes, its been like this for 3 years and we never said ok we never want to see you again, we have always been there for the mum when she was upset with her son.

Any thoughts, would it be best to just stay out of this completely? I have let my partner know how upset I am about this but he says, he is always on my side which is true but cant help it when his mum calls or his brother texts pretty much when he wants with a good moan and you cant trust him....then my partner is in the middle and on it goes again upsetting us and him too.

I wish this wasnt the case....it is going to make me ill if i let it!
thank you for reading
xx

All sounds very dysfunctional but the main problem here is that nowhere does your partner act like he is on your side. He might say it but it doesn’t seem like he’s actually sticking up for you to his family or putting you first. I would be very wary about introducing children into the situation as it is. Do you live nearby?

Hi there, his parents live about an hour away. What does worry me is that in the past he has reached out to say his brother or mum if we argue and they then become nasty about me or basically disown me, like they have with one another if that makes sense. He use to tell his mum things but it backfired and thats it all hated me instead of thinking wait a minute this is the situation, this is how it is lets deal with it. You see whats putting me off is that from our family we just work on things and find a solution they don't and telling them anything makes me wary. My partner was scared of telling his dad we bought a house together or he passed an exam for fear of him judging him. He is not so about this now but he still wants to keep the peace by sending him a birthday card when he doesnt care about him at all, or still wants to keep everyone happy including his brother and mum whereas I would be out of there in a shot not wanting anything to do with them. Its putting me off him as a partner if that makes sense, something doesnt quite fit for me and Im not entirely sure what it is....he doesnt seem to understand how much its upsetting me he just sweeps it under the carpet. He is not saying to his mum you have upset my partner or to his dad or to his brother.....im not seeing someone here like you say who could be defending. So what do I do....grrr!!! thank you for your comment...

You need a strong, committed partner that you can trust before even thinking about a long term relationship and children.
No way would I consider bringing children into this horrible, toxic and damaging environment.

Hi Endofthelinefinally, I get that yes thats how you feel, but when you are with someone who does treat you well as a person individually thats hard its just recently we have spoken about children you see so its now raising my thoughts more after so many years, I hate to say its only got worse in the last 6 months because of something the brother and mum did together that its never been forgotten amongst them but dragged us into it....Just not sure what to do, I could have another talk with my partner but feel it wont change things. I miss that family feel as I need it and love it like most women do when they have had it in their lives for so many years.

Honesty I would leave, Your partner doesn't seem to be acting like a partner its not worth the stress, Can you imagine having children in this situation or worse still imagine having a child and then splitting up and then having no control over the situation at all when your partner has contact with the child and his dysfunctional family.

because of something the brother and mum did together that its never been forgotten amongst them but dragged us

What did they Do? And how are you involved?

The thing is, none of us know what life will throw at us. I have lost my health, my career and my eldest child. I am thankful that my dh and our respective families have been supportive.
I have no idea how I would cope if I had experienced all that against the back drop of a weak partner and toxic family.
Ultimately it is your decision.

Hi Skynight,

Ok so it may sound a bit strange but the brother went off travelling for 3 months earlier this year, its something he has always wanted to do, he's 43 but has a daughter of 8, he sees her every other weekend and treats her well, he has never gone off on his own or done anything without her really. He just went off without telling his mum, well she took it as that and said to him that means we have to look after your daughter and you haven't even thought about her and her needs for 3 months, so what the mum did was become nasty, so did he, she gets in contact with his ex wife, invites her round and becomes friends with her which upsets the son, naturally, she then pretty much gangs up on him to which the ex wife is on the mums side, (they have never been friends ever) so the mum plays tit for tat really. Now a year on realises she has messed up, the son and her don't talk, my partner is keeping the peace she doesnt know what to do and the dad doesnt want the son in the house at all....so the son is upset ,the mum is upset and the dad doesnt care he has what he wants nobody in the house apart from him and his wife...You can see why its really messy!!

Get out whilst you can it’s not a healthily relationship for a child to be brought into.

Your partner needs to stop running back to his family and telling them every time you have a row . You don't know what he's saying to them , could be all sorts of horrible things, which is why they maybe don't like you.

It all sounds ridiculously childish, I wouldn't want to stay in this sort of toxic nonsense.

So the brother disregarded his dd for 3 months and his mother had a relationship with the mother of the child. I can’t see what she did wrong and what relevance it has to your relationship that’s between the two of them.

Also op you have shared a lot of identifying information about your dp family

Unicorn, its more about what the brother is saying to my partner hence this difficulty around us at the moment as my partner is in the middle thats why are involved you see, my partner finds it hard to walk away from them all I guess its his own family. I havent identified any names so not worried about anything personal I have put here just saying as it as it is really, nothing bad just looking for advice!

For the love of God, the drama! Just don't get involved! You're not tied at the hip, you can just say to your partner; 'honey the are all as mad as a bag of frogs, I want nothing to do with them! I know they're your family, so you deal with them yourself, I'm out!'
Then keep it well out of all of it and its up to him...

I may have skim read this or misunderstood but I can't see what any of this has to do with you. Except the bit about being banned, which looks like a positive thing to me.
A lot of families are crap, you just keep your distance.

I think Puella thats exactly what I am going to do as it was something I was thinking about doing just before Christmas because it was just at that time it all kicked off again as its the most stressful for families.

FaFoutis, its because my partner still treats his parents fairly even after all this, that I cant get my head around.

What I think I have learnt is not to row when we do I walk away and when his mum calls leave him to it, I'm never going to ask how she is or his dad or brother, ever....like you say its his issue and he can deal with it its not mine.

I hate drama its just not for me, I've never had this before with any part of my life or family!!

thank you everyone for your comments.

x

FaFoutis, its because my partner still treats his parents fairly even after all this
Of course he does, they are his parents. It's not easy to walk away and even when you do it stays with you. Read the myriad of toxic parent threads on MN. Stately Homes on the Relationships board, for example. It might help you to understand how it feels and what it does to you when you have crap parents.

If you have children get your partner some therapy and move far away from his parents.

FaFoutis sounds a good plan...I think I will do its something interestingly he and I have talked about. They live (which isn't a bad thing) about 1 hour away from us thankfully but are moving again so hoping that its further away again, I know that sounds awful but they aren't nice to him either just wish he wasnt so nice and loyal, he deserves better it upsets me!

My husband's parents eventually disowned him (and me, and the children), so there is hope!

The explanation for your partner's loyalty to his parents is likely to be FOG: Fear, Obligation, Guilt. A common thing in those with toxic parents, to use the lingo.

It's not easy, but keep well out of his mad relatives nonsense and just don't engage with him about it. Don't listen to the stories, don't say anything to anyone about it especially if you know his brother will twist it. (MN is great for venting) don't react to them or him passing it all on to you. Grey rock all the way.
He's suffering all this too so you be the reasonable one, let all the drama come from them. Buy him the books, get him to therapy, but them - they don't exist as far as you are concerned
I do have some experience , I just opted out and if he came home upset, I'd get him a drink and be terribly sympathetic. When his mad bag mother phoned, I intercepted the calls and said he wasn't in. After a while it was easier to follow my lead and keep away.