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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Relationship Help - Dont know what to do or where to turn

17 replies

Helpme491256 · 30/12/2017 15:09

I'm new to his so sorry if I babble!
Situation is this. I've been in a 3 and 1/2 year relationship with my g/f and have 3 children (which I am not the actual father of)

I love her and the children to bit they are my world......... but even though I love the mum - the relationship is toxic.

This last year has been hell - there is zero trust from here side to the extent of her checking my mail, work emails, pockets, wallet, phone to try and find something on me. But I got nothing to hide.

Over the last 6 months she has constantly said horrible things to me (I.e I hate you, ull never be the kids dad etc.) She has even kicked me out on several occasions. But within an hour of doing it she is on the phone in floods of tears wanting me back. Also she has become physically aggressive towards me as well.

Because of all this negativity I am struggling to stay intimate with her and find myself becoming distant. I have tried talking to her about it but I get blamed.

I think our relationship is over and I think she does to....... but when I try and leave she will make threats about hurting herself or say to me that I'm walking out on the kids. She know it kills me not being able to see the children but the relationship is now affecting them.

What can i do? I'm stuck between my head and my heart and my heart usually wins cus it's played on.

Some one please help!

OP posts:
Worriedrose · 30/12/2017 15:24

This sounds very toxic for children to be living in. And what she is doing to you is awful.
I think you really need to get some space from her and really think about what you want in your life.
I don't know what to say about the children, that's a very tough situation for you all. How old are they?

Perhaps once you've got some distance and you both realise in a grown up way that this isn't going to work for you, you can discuss seeing them. But f you're not their father it might be very difficult.

Is she coping as a mother? Is she abusive towards them?

Original poster
Helpme491256 · 30/12/2017 15:41

One child is 7 and twins who are 4.
I love the kids and the bond with the twins is strong as i have been there for all of their "firsts" but treat all 3 like they are my own and im only happy when im around them. When me and her are alone we just fight over everything. I feel i cant even start a conversation.

If i left i could not be able to see the children as that would be unfair on them - eapecially if she finds a new man. I think that what makes it hard. If they were mine they it would prob be easier as i know i can see them

She is great with the children and is never abussive to them at all!

OP posts:
Wherearemymarbles · 30/12/2017 16:44

Its sounds horribly toxic and you should leave. Failing that counselling.

Ignor the threats, they are just words.
As far as the kids, I am afraid you have no legal rights so its up to her if she lets you see them.

If you find someone else, you can have children with them.

Original poster
Helpme491256 · 30/12/2017 17:54

Counselling has been meantioned and other help..... but that has been refused.

Leaving is prob the answer but how? Tell her and have the fight. Leave when she isnt here. I just dont know!

OP posts:
NormaNameChange · 30/12/2017 23:13

Whats caused her lack of trust?

Offred · 30/12/2017 23:21

She is abusive. You need to leave, for the kids if not for yourself. Her mental health is not your responsibility, apart from anything else if she really is unwell enough to hurt herself then she needs the help of professionals.

If she threatens to hurt herself call 111.

Offred · 30/12/2017 23:22

And yes, leave when she isn’t there. She is abusive and has already escalated to physically attacking you. For your safety and the safety of the kids it would be best to go when she isn’t around.

Original poster
Helpme491256 · 30/12/2017 23:25

I really dont know. I am a bit of a flirty guy but have never been unfaithful. Ive never even messaged another woman with any intent either. I think she thinks that i should being doing better than her - but i dont see that

OP posts:
Offred · 30/12/2017 23:30

She is escalating to physical attacks, it wouldn’t matter if you had been cheating on her with hundred of women, this is completely inexcusable and totally unjustifiable.

IMO, though this kind of invasion of privacy is sometimes advised when someone has cheated, I think it is also inexcusable and if you have lost trust to that extent you should split up.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2017 00:14

Leave her. Write a note explaining why and leave when she's out.

Change your number and don't look back.

Original poster
Helpme491256 · 31/12/2017 00:41

I kind of expected these answers but god it is hard to read 😢

Just sssooo hard to leave - i f@#king love those kids with all my heart and it hurts that ive got to hurt 4 people because 1 person is hurting me - feels selfish 😔

I would like to make one thing clear here though - she is not abusive to the children at all - she is sssoo different with them.

OP posts:
Vernazza · 31/12/2017 02:28

If she truly is a good mum and you love the kids like they're your own, then you MIGHT consider couples counselling. If however the physical agression is actually violent, leave and call social services for the children's sake as well. A violent person is a violent person and the children deserve protection from potential harm.

toopeoply · 31/12/2017 02:46

When you say you've not messaged women with any intent Does that mean you have been messaging other woman? Could that be a reason for her distrust?

Original poster
Helpme491256 · 31/12/2017 08:45

Vernazza....... couples counselling has been suggested but she doesnt want that. And the thing is..... she is only aggressive with me - i dont know if it from just fear of losing me and then panic sets in with her

Toopeoply ............ of course i have messaged other woman, but not for general chit chat or to be flirty with then - it would be for a general reason

OP posts:
Offred · 31/12/2017 09:33

You can’t go to counselling with someone who is abusive.

This is a rock and a hard place re the kids. However you must make an ‘on balance’ decision.

The harm that would be done to them growing up learning that this is how relationships are would be much greater than them grieving for the loss of the relationship.

And I don’t say that lightly. I have left abusive relationships with my kids and supported them with their sad feelings.

Offred · 31/12/2017 09:35

IMO what she needs is to come to the attention of MH services. She is displaying some of the characteristics of BPD IMO. You can’t help her with that, she will need professional help.

C0untDucku1a · 31/12/2017 09:36

Leave. And if she treatens to hurt herself phone 999.

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