Fed up of being on my own and shift work!

[melclaire1111]

This may be a long one, think I need a rant more than anything.

Hubby work shifts, always has and pribably always will. The shifts involve a mix of 12 hour days and nights. This was fine before we had DC 19 months ago as I've always been happy in my own company but it's now starting to bug me how little he is around. I also work full time Mon-fri and DC goes to nursery full time.

Over Christmas hubby was barely here. The week before Christmas he was on 12pm - 12am shifts so I had to do all the prep, presents, housework etc as we were hosting. The Friday night when he wasn't working he went out drinking with friends and rolled in at 2am. Saturday he went to football (has a season ticket) went out at 12, came back at 8pm. Sunday he we put with his best mate, left at 10am, rolled in at 2am Christmas morning. All the time I was sorting the house out, entertaining DC and doing day to day stuff as well.

Christmas day I cooked dinner for 11 people with an incredibly clingy toddler attached to my hip while he cracked open his first beer at 9am! He pretty much spent all day drinking and not doing anything despite being asked several times to help. He said his job was to entertain!

Guests didn't leave til 12pm. I was up 4 or 5 times in the Night with a very over stimulated toddler. We then woke up at 8am, and hubby packed up for a pre-arranged 2 day trip down south to see some friends and go to a football game. The house was a mess and he didn't do anything to help as he was picked up 30 minutes after we woke up! I only had boxing day off as was then back to work.

He's now on nights this weekend, so yet again I'm on my own. He finished at 6am this morning, went straight to bed, got up for lunch at 12, and has now gone back to bed til 530 when he'll get up and go to work!

Not really sure what I'm looking for here, just needed a rant i think!

I’d be fed up too. If you weren’t working then i’d Say you were being a bit U, but the fact you work full time and also have a busy life outside of work with parenting, cleaning and cooking etc, i’d Say he really needs to help you out more on his days off.
Could you refuse to cook or clean for a week and see if he lifts a finger?

Yes we have talked several times about this but he blames the problems either on me or his lack of sleep!

There have been other issues over the last 19 months since DC arrived. He is jealous that DC is far more attached to me than him (But I'm the one who spends more time here) and we are currently dealing with sone separation anxiety issues.

I also struggle to sleep as DC can sometimes be up 3 or 4 times a night still and I do all the Night wakings.

I know shift work is hard and i have asked several times for him to try and get off it but he won't as the pay drop would be a lot. I've told him I'd rather be poor and struggle than have him grumpy like he is now!

Did you both plan the child. It sounds to me he doesn't want a child or a partner. He wants to live the batchelor lads lads lifestyle but still have you do his washing.

It's not so much the shift work but how he behaves and spends his time when he's not working, prioritising his leisure time over family time. I'd be pissed off too.

Once you have a child, life changes, he's not getting it. My dh had to give up his season ticket for a couple of years and does the cooking on his days off. We both do big cleans, decorating etc. It took a while and some arguments to get to this point.

He thinks he's single, doesn't he?

He's hardly a team player. He's not caring or kind. He just does what he wants to do, when he wants to do it.

If he worked 9-5 he'd still be the same. It's up to you whether you're willing to put up with it, because he's not going to change.

Hi OP
I'm not surprised you're fed up,he is taking the proverbial!
He is now a grown man and a father and all this swanning off and leaving you alone with your dc is so unfair.and immature.
How the hell he blames you I do not know.
Shift work is exhausting yes,but he has the energy and money to go out enjoying himself.
Can he no take your dc on one of your days off so you get some you time?
Even on a night shift he can take dc for an hour or two to allow you to do stuff.
I wonder if you wrote down his Rota for the oncoming month and worked out an equal division of time together as a family and time out for both of you it would help?
Good luck OP 🌻

It’s not the shift work that’s the issue here. It’s him being selfish on his days off. He’s opting out of family life by doing “lad stuff/ football” all days off and that’s just not on. IME of 12 hr shifts the working days are pretty much a write off but you make the most of the days off!

Wtf? You are a saint to be putting up with this! You both work full time so the rest of the household responsibilities need to be 50:50. If I were you I would be massively putting my foot down and laying out your expectations. Your leisure time should be equal and you need to know when he is going to be sleeping due to his shifts and when he is going to be helping you or having family time with you. When I had my first, for about the first 5 months my partner was kinda taking the pics like coming home and getting good back on his computer to do more work and then sometimes going for a run. And I was left kinda in limbo not knowing when I was going to get a break or some time all together. I also didn't really know what I should have been expecting of him. He was doing lots of cooking, cleaning and rarely going out with mates. In the end I started getting really resentful and realised it really helped if it was all planned in advance so when I knew when I was getting his help I felt a lot less resentful when he has leisure time. Hope that helps op. His behaviour right now is completely out of order and would be LTB territory for me if I'm honest.

Doesn’t sound like the shifts are the problem... its how he’s choosing to use his free time & it’s not with you or his child.

Most shift workers i know do well when they have babies and pre-schoolers as they can have them whenever their days off are and see more of them than regular workers- it’s school that causes the problem later on. So for now this is where you should be benefiting from your partner doing shifts, not him using it as a excuse to do nothing.