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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's not that into me, is he?

28 replies

Pidlan · 30/12/2017 12:47

This may get long. I need a kick up the arse from you lot to tell me to step away from this wonderful man who is occupying my mind.

He lives in a city which is 4 hours from me. I met him about a year ago, and there was a spark, but for lots of reasons- mainly geography- we has a friendship via whatsapp for about 7 months. Then, about 5moths ago, I was in the said city and we met for a coffee, and I realised I liked him very much indeed. So the next time I was in the city, I decided to go for it. We met, spent hours together, lots of tension and spark, and I told him that I found him very attractive.
He turned me down, basically. Said that because he's unemployed (is looking for work) and poor, he couldn't even afford the train down to see me. He said it would be unequal. Not fair on either of us. I accepted this, though I was gutted.
The next morning, I woke up to loads of whatsapps saying that he was upset with himself for being far too sensible, he was a dick and just wanted to see me etc. Invited me over that day, I went. It was wonderful and we slept together.
(This is a bit rambling isn't it, sorry.)
That was a month ago. The messaging has continued, but whenever I bring up visiting him, he makes excuses and doesn't seem to want to. Today, I decided to confront the whole thing instead of being passive as I usually am, and I said to him that I felt he didn't want me to visit. I said that I'd conveniently allowed myself to forget everything he said about being broke, that it would be unequal, etc, because that was all said before we slept together.

I'd just like your opinion, really. He is a kind man (the kindest I've known, really, and that is what breaks my heart a bit.) I know that the being poor thing is real- I think he can't afford to put the heating on (universal credit), and I do understand that he thinks he has to sort himself out before getting into a relationship. But if he wanted to enough, he's let himself be in that relationship, surely?

OP posts:

ScreamingValenta · 30/12/2017 12:54

Sadly, I think you're right in your thread title . If he wanted a relationship badly enough, he would find a way to make it work - visits might have to be limited while he's still unemployed, and you might both have to accept that you would have an unequal share of expenses, but you could find a way of maintaining the relationship until such time as he finds a job - if he was committed to doing so.

meowimacat · 30/12/2017 12:54

Wait so how many times have you met him in person? Three? One of those for sex?

I'm going to be honest and say this guy is NOT worth your time. He's NOT that interested, and you deserve WAY better.

He has no job, will make no effort to come to you so you will be running to his 4 hours away all the time. Why not cool things off and if things change in his circumstances then you can tell him to contact you because you do like him.

If he was interested he would absolutely find a way, and he would absolutely get a job.

I can see you wasting a lot of years on this guy. Mostly you have fallen for him through your closeness over whatsapp- and that isn't a relationship. Anyone can be anyone in chat, it's in real life when you really get to know someone and you've only seen him a handful of times.

category12 · 30/12/2017 12:55

What has he replied with?

I don't think he's that into you, no.

meowimacat · 30/12/2017 13:01

He's not as kind as you think either - invites you over, sleeps with you, then for a month won't even entertain the idea of seeing you again.

That is your biggest answer right there and I think deep down you know it.

Actions speak louder than words hun x

Rudgie47 · 30/12/2017 13:04

Dont waste your time chasing him.
Hes not that into you and is making excuses really. If he was bothered then he would find a way and could get the bus even.
I would gues that he already has someone, a partner or a wife. Also I'd stop with all the messaging as theres no point you are only setting yourself up for disappointment and frustration.
Just wish him all the best and move on.

TheVanguardSix · 30/12/2017 13:05

He's not into a relationship it seems.
It's such a bummer, I know. But you're wading through treacle with this one. There should be movement and passion. And there isn't.

Original poster

Pidlan · 30/12/2017 13:07

Thank you for being honest- I kind of know it, but need to hear other people saying it. I find it really hard because I rarely fancy anyone, and I really really like him- I think because we were friends for a long while before anything like this.
BTW meow I've met him a lot more than three times, but those were when we were just friends. But you're right when you say he's not as kind as I think he is. I feel like my dignity is lost, and that is such a horrible teenage feeling. I know I have to stop it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Pidlan · 30/12/2017 13:10

That is the bit I'm struggling with Rudgie - Stopping the messaging. I know it's not real but I will really miss that bit.
(I know he's not married and doesn't have a girlfriend, because I have met his friends and family.)

OP posts:

demirose87 · 30/12/2017 13:19

I think you're right. He might have some stuff going on or holding him back from a relationship but he was really into you he would find a way round it and make the effort.

Rudgie47 · 30/12/2017 13:19

Just join some activity groups in the New Year and you'll meet new people. You are worth more than what hes offering you which is nothing basically.

Original poster

Pidlan · 30/12/2017 13:27

Thank you all. I've got to do the horrible ripping off of the band aid thing haven't I. I am usually so careful, and I always have to be the one that's in control in a relationship, but this one is completely the opposite. It's such a sad thing, to adore someone who doesn't really care.
I am also slightly plagued by insecurities now- I keep thinking, what did I do wrong on that night we were together that made him not want to see me again?

OP posts:

MeganBacon · 30/12/2017 13:57

You probably did nothing wrong at all. He (sensibly) is not in a position to take on board the responsibilities of a relationship (minor tho they are). It is perfectly possible that he may never be. Why hasn't he got a job? If it's not for lack of trying and he's just hit a temporary unlucky spell, you may be in with a chance, but if this is actually his lifestyle choice, he's right and you would be sick of it in the end. He may just feel emasculated by his current situation to the extent that he wants to sort himself out before embarking on a relationship. Either way, step back.

TeaAndToast85 · 30/12/2017 14:00

I'm sorry, but I think you need to forget this guy bring on the men of 2018 xxx

Addictedtohavingbabies · 30/12/2017 14:46

You've done nothing wrong. I've been in this situation myself and it hurts but you need to go cold turkey and cut contact if you want to move on. I was seeing a guy once and thought it was going well but he ended it. Apparently he fancied me and I was the most attractive he had been with, he liked my sense of humour and he had never been able to open up to anyone the way he had with me, he couldn't imagine getting serious with anyone before he met me...blah blah blah. But then he just said "you're not what I'm looking for, I will never love you." The morning after he shagged me I might add.
Two years on I'm in a happy relationship with someone else, engaged and have had my fourth baby with my new partner. I couldn't give a damn about the other guy now but I'm annoyed at myself for being so hard on myself wondering what I did wrong, when the fact is, he probably had commitment issues. But you will move on eventually.

Original poster

Pidlan · 30/12/2017 14:57

Four babies addicted!! That's a very apt username!
Thanks all for your advice. I wish I hadn't gone to his place and slept with him. But I guess we live and learn.
It's the friendship I'll miss, not the other bits- but then I guess that friends don't treat each other like this, so I'm better off without him.

OP posts:

demirose87 · 30/12/2017 15:17

I was the same, I missed the texts and the phonecalls and the friendship side, but occupy yourself to take your mind off him and the feelings will fade with time.
Its my first baby with him but my fourth child, just read my post back and it looks like I've had four babies in 2 years haha.

demirose87 · 30/12/2017 15:18

Name change fail..oh well.

Original poster

Pidlan · 30/12/2017 15:37

Haha I did think that you managed all those babies quickly! OK. Am going to not carry my phone with me all the time from now on. Not wait for his texts. Not checking when he was last online. Aaaaargh.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/12/2017 15:40

Block him on social media so you can't see his last activity etc.

Thinkingofausername1 · 30/12/2017 16:21

Sounds like he's married. Sorry..

Original poster

Pidlan · 30/12/2017 16:35

OK, am blocking him on Whatsapp now. And he's not married, I'm absolutely certain of that. Just doesn't fancy me.

Isn't it weird? I don't know why I'm so stuck on him, because on paper (and I do absolutely know that this is a horrible thing to say about another human being) I am a bit out of his league. Not that I'm wonderful or anything, but I reckon I'm not a bad catch.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/12/2017 16:44

Probably cos you've invested a fair bit of energy into keeping this going. And the obstacles/difficulty often adds value (pop-psych alert).

4 hrs away makes him quite unavailable (apart from his emotional unavailability) - do you tend to go for unavailable people?

Original poster

Pidlan · 30/12/2017 16:53

Yeah, I do a bit Category - but I am very easily freaked out in relationships, don't ever want to get married again or live with a man for the foreseeable future (and am always honest about that.) So for me, I thought that it would be lovely to have someone that's quite far away and that we could miss each other and enjoy getting together, never be bored.
You are (scarily) spot on about obstacles/difficulty adding value. I've never thought about that before. I'm trying to think how I'd feel if he lived at the end of my street and was keen and up for it. I have to admit to myself that I may not be half as interested.

OP posts:

category12 · 30/12/2017 17:16

Aha!

I have a bit of that myself.

Anniethinggose · 30/12/2017 18:40

He knew it wouldn't work, you know (deep down) it won't work, he did fancy a bit of sex though and now he's had it, he's not interested/back to being practical again. I'm sorry, but it does sound like that old chestnut.

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