Am I making a mistake? Working away and relasionships

[on123]

Hi,

I met a lovely man 15 months ago, we are expecting our first child (I have a 3 and a half year old from a previous relasionship). He is truly wonderful to us both and me and my daughter love him to bits. We have lived together for the past 11 months.

He has a good job as an Engineer and currently works shifts, he is away 2 nights a week working a night shift. He has been given the opportunity of a great promotion but this requires him traveling away once a week for 2 nights - he will be provided with a hotel for the nights he is away.

I am absolutely terrified of this to the point where I have pretty much decided today I can't stay in the relasionship. There was a previous incident a few months ago where he was speaking to a girl on a perfectly friendly basis but hid it from me (deleting messages etc) which really hurt me and broke down my trust for him.

I believe that my trust issues are more founded on the issues I had in a previous relasionship which was horrificly abusive emotionally and physically - I was cheated on countless times during this 5 year relasionship

My partner knows about the past (it was unavoidable for him to find out most things as an ongoing court trial lasted a year a half before he was found guilty of various assaults on me) and is sympathetic towards my trust worries and understands the incident recently with that girl has not helped matters.

It isn't the loneliness that worries me at all - I like having some time - it's purely the trust issue.

I understand people will tell me that I can't let this relasionship go because the effect my previous one had on my trust for men but.. At the same time shouldn't I be realistic in what I know I can and can't deal with? I don't want to spend nights on end worrying which I know I will. I don't want to have a life that's half amazing and half full of stress - I can't be the mother I love being if I feel like that and I want to fully enjoy the limited time il have at home with my new baby before I go back to work.

would really appreciate some advise, am I making a bad decision? Or am I just being honest with what I can deal with in my life and there's not much more I can do regardless of the pain of leaving.

I'm very stressed, of course I don't want my children to be caught up in this but I don't want them brought up by a depressed mother either, my poor eldest has already seen enough of me upset in life.

Thank you in advance

I was cheated on in a previous relationship but I wouldn't go into another relationship unless I could trust him.

My dh doesn't trust me and has accused me of stuff over the years. His unfounded lack of trust in me is wearing and has made me change my perfectly innocent behaviour, turn down many girls only nights out and so on. I no longer love him nor want to be with him and we're splitting up.

So, leave if you can't trust him and don't start a relationship unless you sort your own trust issues out.

I think you need to get yourself some support. If this was just a relationship and you weren't sure you could deal with this change, I think I'd say fine, let it go, your loss if it was meant to be, but that's your choice. But if you are expecting a child together, I think you owe it to your child to get over your own issues so that you at least have a chance to create family life with his/her father together.

My dh and I both work away quite a bit. It isn't a regular weekly thing though. It might be once a month at times, or several times a month at other times, sometimes for a night, sometimes two, sometimes for a week or more at a time. Though I may need to work away one night away after I come back from maternity leave in another year. I've been cheated on in the past quite horribly, like for years at a time, with multiple people (not by my dh, he's always been completely trustworthy and faithful). I've also been in an abusive relationship in the past. But I love my husband and I love our family life together and there is no way I will let anyone else who has hurt me in the past control my happiness now.

I think you need to see this the same way. If you are truly unhappy in your relationship, separate from this, then yes, that's a good reason to end it. But if you are otherwise happy and it's just these doubts filtering in from your past that are keeping you from coping with this, get yourself some support and see if it helps. I wouldn't jump to ripping apart your family just because you're worried about something that may not even be a problem. You know yourself that it doesn't take working away and a company hotel room for someone to cheat if they want to, nor does working away and nights alone in a different city make someone who is an otherwise lovely, trustworthy person suddenly want to have an affair. People who are decent and honest will carry on being decent and honest even if they aren't home every night.

Engineers often do get hotels and stays away though and this will only get worse as he progresses. Engineering companies often have very strict rules about stays though, and receipts will be scruntized to ensure meals / food /accomodation is only for a single person. So if he does take advantage to have an affair they will either find out and sack him (as happened in my dh’s company recently) or he would have no choice but to use his own money in which case you should be able to find out and leave him.

However, If you don’t trust him then I think this relationship is over.

Thanks for your responses everyone X

I get by staying away you feel your partner has the opportunity to cheat more easily but I think if someone wants to cheat they manage it without having to stay away. So you would need to work out if you were able to trust him whether he was away or not. I'm not sure if that makes sense - but you either trust him so going away is ok, or you don't in which case you cant really have a relationship where you keep him in sight at all times.

I'm sorry to hear about your previous issues and I do hope you work things out.