Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it weird...advice needed.

25 replies

Vanessa1510 · 30/12/2017 11:34

Me and my SO have been together for a few years now. We had a rocky start, but now things are going great.

He’s an extremely caring sort of person, and really looks out for people who have been in his life for a long time, which I love about him.

He has a long standing female friend and they’ve been friends for 20 years.

When we were first getting together, 2 years ago, he had a selfie picture of this friend saved, which I felt a little weird about. I confronted him and he understood and said t wouldn’t happen again.

Of course since then, they’ve both been talking on and off, as they do. Nothing major, just how are yous and what have you been up to type of things. Since I found the picture though, he’s been a little wary to open her messages up in front of me becusse I think he thinks I don’t like it.

I explained I have no issue with him talking to a friend, especially if they’ve been friends for so long. He understood and just got on with it.

Now, they haven’t seen each other in a while due to not living so close and having other commitments. However one time, he bumped into her whilst we were out for dinner. I didn’t see her, but she must’ve seen me. Later that day, she messaged and asked if I was the new mrs. He denied it and said no.

I kind of shook it off and didn’t mention anything and I’ve got on with it. We go out all the time holding hands and there’s always a chance he could bump into her, so it’s nkt a major secret.

Now, the other day after Xmas, she had tried to call him, maybe for a chat, idk. He missed it, but messaged her later to say he hoped she had a good Xmas.

She came back and said it was good, but she feels really low now it’s over. (My SO also said she tends to be in touch more when she’s low). He messaged back with a few bits to say his was good and that he was thinking of her. she then asked if he wanted to come round to hers and she would put the kettle on. He said no as he was out, but later said he did miss her and put the heart eye emoji.

She said she missed him too and would love to see him, even for a flying visit. She then asked when he was doin NYE and that he was welcome to come round and she would cook as she would just be alone. He messaged back and said that he would see what his family are doing, as he usually goes to his families and last year was the first time I was invited. So he didn’t say yes to her and just skirted round it. He finished the message off with ‘thinking of you lots’ and another heart eye emoji. She messaged him back with 2 red hearts and the eyes too.

She then asked him another question, and he just ignored the message and I don’t think they’ve spoken since.

Now at first I wasn’t bothered with the hearts, as I do this with my female friends, however I mentioned it to a mate and she said it was a little strange.

What do you think? It’s not normal for them to message like that...it’s usually just a few kisses at the end.

OP posts:
drainsup · 30/12/2017 12:17

Weird. Yes.

Emmageddon · 30/12/2017 12:20

Hmmm. So he hasn't told her about you and denied you were the new girlfriend when asked? And sending heart emojis and I miss you messages?
Have you spoken to him about this?
It's not just weird, it's disrespectful.

LackinginChristmascheer · 30/12/2017 12:26

How come you know the content of all these messages anyway? Is he showing you or are you just looking through them? Reading the messages seems weird.

Regarding the content of the messages - just ask him why he isn't being open about you. He should be and you need to know what's behind it. No one else can tell you exactly what's going on but him.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 30/12/2017 12:28

Weird. Why doesn't he want her to know about you? I don't know anyone that sends heart eye emojis to friends (unless they are saying "I love that handbag", or "I love Ryan Reynolds"...)

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 30/12/2017 12:31

I doubt NYE alone at hers, the two of them, would just be for a chat. He didn't say yes, but then he didn't say no either. He denied his relationship status with you and she is ramping up her attention to him.

Usually I believe if it isn't a yes, then the answer is a no...hopefully true here as well. But, it does smell of him keeping his options open.

I agree with it being disrespectful.

Do you live together? Have you both agreed to be exclusive?

Ohyesiam · 30/12/2017 13:14

It sounds to me that he somehow feels responsible for her. Did he e nd their relationship?
I would tell him that it's fine to have her as a friend, as long as she knows about you.

Angelf1sh · 30/12/2017 13:22

How do you know the content of these messages op? If he’s showing you them then you have nothing to worry about (you’re not his wife so it’s fine he said no to that and he’s never gone over there when she asked). If you’re searching through his phone then I think it’s your behaviour that’s weird tbh. Why don’t you trust him? Why are you annoyed he has a single photo on his phone of him and a friend of 20 years?

Thingsdogetbetter · 30/12/2017 13:32

How long ago did he deny you were his 'mrs'? If it was very early in the relationship there is no issue. After you become exclusive then it's well off. Do you speak to him about it? Does she still think he's single? If so then he is showing a complete lack of respect to your relationship.
The rest all seems completely normal for a friendship. I tell friends, male and female, i miss them if i haven't seen them in a while. I would invite a friend round for dinner on nye if i thought they didn't have other plans . But then if i knew they had a partner i would assume they had plans with their partner.
If he has avoided telling her he's with you then you have a problem, and it's not her.

offside · 30/12/2017 13:34

You’ve posted about this before haven’t you and you were told by the majority of posters that you were being unreasonable as he had basically cut this friend off of 20 years because you weren’t comfortable with it.

I still think you need to stop interfering with their friendship and stop reading their messages. If there was any love interest there I’m sure they would be together already with them being friends for 20 years.

RidingWindhorses · 30/12/2017 13:42

It's odd he didn't say 'can't do NYE have gf'.

NC4now · 30/12/2017 13:44

I have a couple of close male friends of 20 odd years. I’m now good friends with their wives, and they are friends with DH.
I don’t know. It could be innocent ( frankly it would be weird to strike up anything romantic with my male friends after all these years) but it’s strange he isn’t upfront and introducing you.

SleepingInYourFlowerbed · 30/12/2017 13:47

Hmm, just read your other thread before Christmas as someone mentioned it. I think if you can't handle this friendship then you can't be in a relationship with him. They do sound a bit flirty but he stopped talking to her before because of your behaviour and then you told him he could talk to her again. You can't keep spying on their friendship.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/12/2017 13:51

Screw the fucking heart eyes, he has denied your existence! I would insist on knowing wtf he’s thinking.

BoredOnMatLeave · 30/12/2017 14:05

Sorry but I would have dumped him as soon as he denied you being a gf

offside · 30/12/2017 14:36

I’m finding it hard to believe the denying of your relationship if I’m honest as you never mentioned this in your first thread and I would’ve thought that would be the first thing you would mention considering the feedback you wanted. Maybe I’m just being cynical.

Vanessa1510 · 30/12/2017 15:03

I left it out. For some reason just didn’t feel it to be relevant.
He had a rough break up/divorce previous to me. Sometimes he doesn’t want to broadcast me too much, as he doesn’t want her to find out yet (they have kids together).

Ever since I raised this matter with him, he has been telling me he loves me, and that’s all that matters. He has invited me to be his plus one to parties (which he has never done) as he wants me to feel this and show me off.

OP posts:
MsHomeSlice · 30/12/2017 15:12

so you are together for a few years/two years whatever, BUT he is denying you are "the mrs" and is suddenly wanting to "show you off"

he is really not that into you, yet is hoping that flaunting you about town is going to make the old flame burn a bit brighter if you ask me

get yourself some self respect and find someone else, this one doesn't love you.

Vanessa1510 · 30/12/2017 15:21

I don’t think it’s a case of him nkt loving me. I know he does. He has always shown me off and been proud of me, but not necessarily taken me to parties where him and his ex have had mutual friends there, just in case she found out.
He has only recently got over that and has started taking me out, as he wants to move forward. As I said, their divorce was a hard one.

If you’ve read my previous post about this, I was maybe unreasonable a little when it came to her. I’m not sure whether he would deny I was his mrs due to this

OP posts:
trojanpony · 30/12/2017 16:54

I don’t think it’s a case of him nkt loving me. I know he does.

“She asked if I was the the new mrs. He denied it and said no”

HE DENIED YOU WERE DATING
What explaination does he have for that??

This is def weird

Angelf1sh · 30/12/2017 17:11

Op are you going to answer how you’ve seen these messages? Your last post said it was just a glance but there’s no way you got all of that from a glance. You must have been reading his messages and taking notes! That is not acceptable behaviour. If you trust him then stop snooping. If you don’t trust him then do yourself a favour and get out.

Vanessa1510 · 30/12/2017 17:14

I snooped once. Now he seems happy to just message in front of me

OP posts:
Angelf1sh · 30/12/2017 17:16

This is more than Messaging in front of you. You are reading and memorising everything, it’s not normal.

offside · 30/12/2017 17:40

If you’re telling the truth why are you watching him messaging people? He must feel very suffocated.

And if you were watching him, I don’t buy for one second that you can read the messes properly without properly snooping.

I’m not sure what you want people to be telling you and why you have come back again. I suspect you have embellished a few things (such as the denying of the relationship - that isn’t something that would slip your mind or wouldn’t be relevant to the context of your last thread as it’s much the same as this thread) to try and get the answer you want to justify your snooping and control of your DP.

offside · 30/12/2017 17:54

Since then (when you went mad at him - your own words - about the picture of her) nothing else has come up, and we’re years down the line and in a more serious position. He still speaks to her though and don’t get me wrong, the messages are basic and just seeing how each other are doing. Never anything inappropriate ( I know becusse I looked at them). Since I went mad that one time, he tends to hide their relationship from me and that they talk, which I suppose I do understand.

This is from your other thread, this further reinforces my belief that you have embellished a few things. I think you just need to take the advice of the majority and leave him to his friendship. She was there long before you and you have no right to be mad at him about it. There is obviously something you feel insecure about but that’s your issue, not his, so either deal with it and accept he has this friendship or leave him so he can enjoy his friendship and share his life with someone who won’t give him a hard time over a friendship.

rothbury · 30/12/2017 17:57

After two years of a relationship he lies about you?

Fuck that shit.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page