What do I do? I am in a mess.

[waffilyversati1e]

My OH and I have been together for 15 years. I met him online having recently left a DV situation. My son was 1.
Over the years he has never been violent toward me but his moods are something else. He screams and swears over the smallest things (on xmas day for example he got cross because he opened a bottle of prosecco and it fizzed over and a 16yr old and an 8 yr old laughed)

Its hard to get it down in writing because he says its all in my head (I do take anti-d's) but its constant. I feel nervous when he is due home from work if the house is untidy or because i don't know whether he will be in a bad mood. He doesn't hit us but he has smashed a glass door (toys weren't put away), threw countless bowls or glasses because his mobile phone game (clash of clans) wasn't going his way. thats a couple of times. I guess it happens at least a few times a month on a good period - more on a bad one.

A couple of nights ago he woke me at 2am screaming eff you at his game. he was downstairs. I confronted him and we had a massive row. I said I wanted this to stop and I couldn't go on like this for the kids sake (16, 11 and 3)

since then hes not spoken. Just huffed a lot. He went into our 16yo room tonight and it was a mess. He started calling him names and then came into our 3yo room where i was reading him a story and started shouting at me about whether i had decided when I was leaving.

we have a joint mortgage and i have a lot of credit card debt (15k) with no regular income.

He says that because he pays the mortgage and bills and usually puts money into my account for food shopping/kids stuff (£100 a week) then he can act how he likes and we should be thankful he is putting a roof over our heads.
Maybe we should but it feels so suffocating. He has said tonight that he isn't transferring money anymore, if I want out then he owes me nothing and that he knows I won't get financial help and cannot afford private rent so I can choose to stay married or I can live in misery all because I decided I was no longer happy.

I am in absolute pieces and I know a lot of this is my fault. I should have left years ago but I thought I was doing the right thing and now I have basically screwed myself. I feel utterly hopeless and I don't have any friends because our home was always so unpredictable I would have hated for outsiders to see it.

Am I overreacting as he says!? is it normal to have to bend around your spouses moods like this??

On the face of it, this sounds dreadful. You shouldn't be in fear or apprehension of someone whom you live with/share a relationship with.

The question is, how to address it. If you have had enough of it then you must be brave and make plans.

Emotional and financial abuse.
Call woman’s aid.

It’s him, not you.

No its not normal to put up with mood swings. Emotional abuse is a real thing. Unlike physical abuse the scars are inside but still there.
Contact relate for advice about this they have a free online one off counselling service which is very good. Womensaid also have a helpline which you may find usefull.
You have a long marriage and two children which im assuming are his so he would be expected to pay for them in a divorce settlement and arguably the house while you live in it untill the children finish education in some cases. Both relate and womens aid should be able to direct you to legal services which can give at least a frer initial consultation.

So he has you thinking well at least he doesn't hit me. Tell him to fuck right off!

If you have to change your behaviour because of his moods that is no way to live. I've been there op but not anymore.

Ltb

I cannot live like this anymore. I can't ltb when I have minus funds in my account and 3 kids to support. I know I need a plan otherwise we will be the same or worse in the weeks and years to come but I cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel at the moment. I feel like I have failed completely.

Are you married?

The creditcard debt can be written off. OK it doesn't do your credit rating any good - but in 6 years you'd be straight again - they can't go after you for what you haven't got and creditcard debt repayment comes way after living expenses.

He's verbally abusing your dc as well as what he's doing to you. Talk to Women's Aid, get support to leave.

yes. together for 15 yrs, married for 5

OK, so you have rights to the marital assets. The house, whatever savings there might be, pensions. When you get divorced, you'll be able to take your share.

Get some legal advice on the quiet.

so you left one abuser for another one. Get yourself to WA and get some support to get rid. You are entitled to help from him and poss benefits too. He is lying and abusing you and you need to get out ASAP.

You poor women 💐 Sending you strength and determination.

Leave him, you know you need to.
Short term losses for long term gains, Invision that! ❤️

You can separate whilst still living in the family home. Go onto the “entitledto” website and work out what benefits you could get. When you split the courts would want you to come out of the marriage equally and disparity in earning potential would be taken into consideration to get you up on your feet and then earning again.

Try to get in to citizens advice or a solicitor. Write down all you assets and debts, his earnings and pension etc.

Him breaking things multiple times a month even in the good periods is not not all in your head. It’s abuse designed to keep you in your place and dreadful for your children.

Take control and work towards getting rid of this monster (because that’s what he is)

OP I’m going to be harsh but this is meant to help. Your DH is abusive. He shouts and yells and you, he does this directly to your 16 year old and to you in front of the younger ones. He smashes things up in the home. This is domestic abuse, domestic violence and child abuse. It doesn’t matter whether he lays his hands on you or not.

If SS knew your children were living like this they would be very concerned, not only about his abusive behaviour but also about your long standing failure to protect all 3 of them. Your 16 year old must be wracked with self confidence issues. All 3 of your children must be frightened and anxious. The longer this goes on the more damaged they will become. It may become normal to them and spill over into their own peer relationships or adult relationships.

You haven’t been able to do this for you, you absolutely MUST do it for them. If the thought of leaving is too much go see a solicitor and ask for a Non Molestation order and Occupation order to get this monster out of your home. Go see CAB about what you are entitled to. You need to do this now. The Occupation order may not be a long term solution in terms of sorting your finances out but it will give you breathing space and peace whilst you get your ducks in a row.

You are scared of this man. Just imagine how your children feel. They are scared of him, they know you are frightened. They are utterly helpless in this situation. You however, as an adult, are not. You need to sort this out before they are permanently damaged as it has already gone on far too long. You are their mother and it is your job to protect them. That is the most important role you will ever have in your life. Focus on that, big girl pants on and get him out!!!!

Financial abuse. Emotional abuse. Domestic violence (because that's what his smashing things up is). He's even being verbally abusive towards your three year old, for goodness sake.

You'd be better off without him. All of you would.

Protect your children. Find out what you're entitled to and get the support you need to leave him.

And whatever you do, don't tell him what you're up to. The time before leaving is one of the most dangerous for victims of domestic violence as the abusers realise they're losing control and up the stakes. Keep quiet, get everything done, and get away from this awful man as soon as you can.

He sounds appalling. I would suggest you make an appointment with the Citizens Advice Bureau and get advice on your finances. Contact Women's Aid. Could you move out and stay with your parents for a while whilst things get sorted out, or could he go instead? You should have the right to stay in the house with the kids whilst he makes alternative arrangements, but you need advice on support and services to help you in case he makes things difficult.