Don't know how to get out!

[sharkirasharkira]

Dp/ex Dp broke up with me about 6 weeks ago. We have been off and on for a long time and I realised that we are just not working and it's time to really end it and move on.

Despite him breaking up with me, after about 3 weeks he decided that he had made a mistake and wanted me back. Trouble is, by this time I had met someone else and although I wasn't ready for anything yet it made me realise that I could not get back with Dp. We had stayed living together for the time being as I didn't have anywhere else to go.

I told him I couldn't get back with him because we just don't work and I don't feel the same about him anymore and he went mental. Threatened to kill himself, me and the new guy. I never believed that he would hurt me but I was very worried that he would hurt himself as he has done so in the past (before me) so I agreed to get back with him.

Since then I have tried to let the dust settle and waited for him to calm down in the hope that I could end things and he would be more reasonable about it. I've told him at least twice that I can't do it anymore and need to move out to a friend's house - he finally seemed like he had accepted it but then on the day I'm due to leave he gets wound up again and starts crying, begging, etc etc. So I stay again.

But I can't do this for long. I don't want it anymore. He is making 1000 promises and saying he will change and do all the things I wanted him to do before (which caused us to break up in the past) but I don't want it anymore. I want to move on. I want a new life. But he won't let me go and I don't know what to say that will enable me to do that without completely destroying him. I don't want his death or injury to be on my conscience but I cannot stay forever to prevent it from happening.

I am so stressed about all this and have recently lost my job too so my life is just completely falling apart and to make matters worse I have no money so the only place I can stay is at a friend's house - Dp knows where this is and I have a horrible feeling that if I just grab my stuff and go when he is out he will come round and cause holy hell which isn't fair on my friend who is so generously offering to take me in rent free. I have no where else to go, no other family or friends to ask for help.

I have no idea what to do next

I should add, Dp thinks I'm just depressed (which I may be tbh) - my confidence has been completely shattered by losing my job and my MH is not good at the moment but Dp is convinced that if he makes a load of promises to do things he wouldn't before and keeps them it will 'fix' me and I'll fall back in love with him again. I don't believe that's what's going on but he won't hear otherwise.

If he decides to kill himself that's on him, not you. But I doubt he will, It's a drearily common control method.

Tell your friend the score. Let them decide if it's ok by them. And get out. You don't have to stay with someone in case they harm themselves, that's blackmail.

Hi op . Sorry this is happening to you . He is emotionally blackmailing you because he knows that it will work. Do you have DC together? If not it's even easier. Call the police to witness you moving out and tell them he's at risk of doing something stupid and they will be able to deal with him. Put a non contact order if he follows you to your friend. Don't keep enabling his behaviour. Goodluck

No dcs involved fortunately.

I really don't want to involve the police unless it's absolutely 100% necessary, I think it would just exacerbate things.

I do still really care about him and I don't want anything bad to happen to him but I just don't love him like I did.

Get out, if he starts with these threats You call the police. In fact log his threats and your fears with them now.

No Dc involved?

Walk away, block him and have 3 months with no contact and then re visit it in your mind.

No DC? Please try the above

Just quietly arrange to move out and go, don't drag it out or give him a date - just do it. It's very unlikely he will follow through on his threats to harm himself, and if you think he is serious, then yes phone the authorities.

Sadly your ex will have to face the fact you no longer love him at some point. It is very hard when you had strong feelings for someone but for your sake you need to make the move. Be kind, be careful but do it. If he does cause a scene at your friend's house it is probably wisest to inform the police or obtain a non-molestation order which is a free order that you can obtain at county court and will prohibit him from contacting you. One step at a time though. Good luck for 2018.

He told me a few days ago that he took a smallish (but still dangerous) paracetamol overdose - when I said I was very concerned and wanted him to get help (i.e. Go to a&e / doctor) he said he was fine and begged me not to tell anyone/call for help etc. I'm not sure I believe him. He's been making so many promises about the future why would be take an overdose, thus ensuring he wouldn't be around for it? I'm just really confused.

To scare you and keep you there.

You are effectively an emotional hostage.

My ex tried this and he is very much still alive.

What you do is everytime he makes a suicide threat you call someone. His parents, family, friends, doctor or ambulance. You do not attempt to deal with it yourself whether it is genuine or not. If it's not genuine it will stop once he realises it is not a tool to get you to pander to him.

I believe it's more likely an abusive control tactic but if you involve others you cover him getting help. You do not stay silent in a bad relationship forever because of this.

Please get out. What he chooses to do re taking pills etc is not your problem. You need to tell him it’s over and really mean it by getting out of shared accommodation. Be strong, OP, you can’t stay with someone you no longer love. I bet your mh improves once you get out too.

Bump?!

Having been in a similar situation, comprising of emotional/ financial abuse and a man who constantly berated and controlled to the extent that I lost all sense of self and begun to believe the things he said, I would strongly encourage you to walk away. His behaviour reflects HIS personal issues. NOT you. You are not responsible for this persons well being but do need to do what is right for your own. As you have stated in your post the two of you 'do not work'. The threats to harm oneself, end life are commonly used in such situations to manipulate the partner into staying. Are you able to share the situation with a friend and talk through the possibility of staying with them for a while? Are you actively seeking new employment? Is counselling an option that is available to you, or that you feel would be helpful? You deserve so much more than this.