Grumpy husband - what can I do?

[Taytotots]

My husband is generally a good partner and father but seems to think it is completely acceptable to shout at me and the kids over the smallest things. He gets into a bad mood very quickly. As an example, I've been sick the last two days with a migraine and so he's been resentful and grumpy he's had to look after the kids on his holiday full time (normally we would take turns so he does do his share) - not exactly what I had planned for my holidays either. He's also now started snapping at us when we are out - he had a go at me today for asking what sort of coffee he wanted (apparently I should have known he was deciding) and last week completely over reacted and shouted a lot at the kids in the supermarket over something small. I have asked him if there is anything wrong and he says he is just tired. He did have depression previously - brought on by combination of stress of having twin babies and his mum being very sick - and got CBT to deal with it. With everyone else in life he is consistently cheery but at home he has these mood swings and it is getting me down. I grew up in a house with lots of shouting and don't want the same for my kids. What can I do?

Hi love, my hubby is exactly the same! He has a highly stressful job and suffers with anxiety! I th8nk his anxiety a lot of the time is what causes his sudden unreas9nable outbursts. He has no patience and is very unreasonable at times. My oldest daughter is very much the same personality as him and it’s hard as he’s like Jekyll and Hyde!
Over the years I’ve started standing up to him and not letting him have his own way and sometimes he’ll ignore me for 2-3 days, but when hes not moody he’s a loveliest hubby you’ll ever meet. His jobs a lot to do with it and he doesn’t understand how kids minds work! It’s like a rollercoaster of emotions at times, I sympathise with you. If you ever wanna chat message me!

He's taking his frustration out on you and his DC like an emotional punching bag. That's not OK in my book.

Have you tried telling him flat out how he is single handedly ruining every waking moment?

Because I guarantee that when he's not shouting, the rest of you are walking on eggshells in fear of the next outburst. He's poisoning the atmosphere completely.

Its important you don't moderate your behaviour to calm him.

Does he aplogose afterwards and take responsibility? If not then its a sign of disrespect, he doesn't even care about the impact on his family.
Assertively standing up to him (if you can do safely) may shake him out of his behaviour but ultimately you don't deserve to be treated like this.
There is a fine line betwern grumpy and bullying.If he can behave well to others it shows he has some control over it and knows he does it.

Your DH is a bully. That's why he is grumpy and shouts at you all, but is consistently cheerful with everybody else. Hiding his real face from them.

He's moved on to shaming, also - shouting at your DCs publicly in supermarket? They'll grow up as nervous wrecks with Mr Apoplectic as a dad, and you will likely barely see them once grown as they won't want to visit you. Nor bring any children they may have. Who would want to?

Amazing how the legions of threads on Relationships board describe these men as lovely, just because they are ok sometimes. The bar needs to be set higher - lovely men don't behave like this. OH is never grumpy or shouty with me, and he's not a passive man by any means.

Not to mention that "depressed" does not automatically mean shouty, moody verbal onslaughts. Numerous depressed people aren't horrible in this way. Bullying can simply be bullying. That's it.

Thanks Debdoo good to hear from someone in a similar boat. I think the root cause is probably anxiety depression too - his mum was lovely most of the time but behaved the same under stress. As you say mistress deecee I don't think that is any excuse for shouting at us though and I do feel he needs to learn to control it - just finding the right strategy to get him too. Remainoptomistic I wouldn't say the atmosphere is that bad but it was in the house I grew up in which is why I am wary of letting this escalate. He doesn't apologise and indeed doesn't seem to feel he has done anything wrong but will just go back to being cheery after an outburst where it will take me a while to regain equilibrium. I certainly don't feel in any danger and have tried various strategies to communicate I am not happy with the way he is behaving but nothing I am trying seems to be getting though to him about how this is making me feel.

My DH sounds the same as yours, I also grew up in a hostile environment and don’t want the same for my kids. Time for an ultimatum I think.

It doesn't have to be to the point of you feeling in danger though. It sounds like you're saying "oh he's just shouting and I don't think he's going to hit me so it's ok."

Anxiety and depression aren't an excuse to act like an arsehole. If he's fine with everyone else then he can moderate his behaviour, can you see that? Why should you, the love of his life, have to put up with being shouted at? And as for shouting at the DC - just no.

I'm not saying LTB.

There is a whole range of actions you can take to change your response to try and get him to stop his negative behaviour. It's not black and white, as you know since you did post in the first place.

For me personally verbal abuse / bullying of DC would be nipped in the bud at the first instance, and if he didn't change it would be divorce. I wouldn't give him more than 2 chances. It's just not fair on the DC and so damaging.

I understand you've given him more than 2 chances. How many chances have you given him? Do you keep having the same conversations with him over and over? Tell him that! Tell him you know he's not listening to a word you say. Ask him if he's serious about making the relationship work. He needs to realise you're not just whinging, this is a serious problem and you're going to leave if he doesn't sort it.

I'm coming at this from experience with my DH who still blows up over the smallest thing, in a totally inappropriate way, frequently. I posted a few months ago under a different name in despair. The difference now is I pull him up on it every single time there is even a hint of negativity or an inappropriately angry reaction. He knows I will leave him if he ever does it to DS. I will leave him and never look back and he knows it will be his own fault. The diatribes have gotten shorter and it doesn't happen as frequently. As to whether he's capable of permanent and deep rooted change who knows. I owe it to DS to keep going. I can totally see that DH's issues stem from a totally dysfunctional and abusive childhood but guess what - I had one of those too and have done a lot of work on myself and put in a lot of effort in order to become a calmer and more positive person. I don't expect anything from my DH that I'm not able to do myself. He knows that too as I was still a mess when he met me and has helped me heal.

That was an essay, sorry.

Do you want to keep trying with this man? If so you need to really step up in terms of your boundary setting and in defending your DC. You also need to seriously think about your escape plan if it comes to that.

I don't think he needs to learn to control it, you said he's nice to everyone else just shouts at you and his family. He therefore can control it around other people just chooses not to around you.

He sounds potentially abusive. Please consider leaving him.