My son was born to me and my ex in another EU country of which we were both nationals. To cut a long story short I left to return to UK with our child when it became clear that my ex would not stand up to his parents who wanted to rule over us both. I expected us to form a new family unit with him as an adult husband and father. His family were overbearing and saw us both as subordinate and that they should have a greater say in our son's upbringing than me and my ex. it resulted in violence on one occasion (from his parents) he said nothing to them about this and acted like nothing had happened. I lost all respect for him because, sorry to be old fashioned, it was like having another child. I expected give and take, but I felt he was always leaning on me regarding issues with his parents, childcare and financial issues. Saying he agreed with x, y and z and then just never taking action. I did all the driving and shopping, housework and the majority of the childcare. We had major financial issues come to a head when he had failed to register as self employed, saying he would for months, and I applied for income support. Trouble is he was working self employed on the quiet so I had to cancel my application because they wanted to see his bank statements. I always did everything by the book, he and his family thought this was stupid and giving away money. I said, do as you see fit but if you are connected to my business then you must also go by the book. When this happened I stopped him being a partner in my business. Still I stayed and tried to make it work even after the violence from his parents. I eventually believed that he would never change and that everything he said to me was to keep the peace and not his true opinions. I just can't find a guy like that attractive and I can't live like that.
Our son lives with me now in the UK.
We keep in touch over Skype every night with his Dad. My son visits his Dad for all the school holidays except 2 weeks in the Summer and we take it in turns for our son to be with us for birthdays and Christmas.
I never said anything until now on Mumsnet, but this issue has really stumped me.
Our son has recently started crying hysterically on return to me ( I go over and collect him) saying that he is not going back home to his cold bed. He has only once said at home that he was cold at night and come into my bed.
I am suspicious that he's doing this to get attention and please my ex's family. They suggest he may be too afraid to say it to me. He goes to bed wearing pyjamas and has a thick duvet. So why wouldn't he come into me at night more often.
I am paying for family counselling now (ex doesn’t see the point as apparently it's all my fault so no financial contribution) to try to improve matters between us in bringing up our son.
The counsellor can't understand why I wasn't wracked with guilt on leaving my ex. I did feel guilty because his son lived further away now and he had to either move over here or have consequently less contact. But I explained two things, one I gave him so many second chances and waited so long I finally had to take action to move forward.... And two, I decided a long time ago never to allow other people to control me with guilt manipulation (ex's family culture is big on this)
It's a long tangled Web but...
Not sure if I need to face up to my dark side or if the counsellor is just not getting me
Not sure how to best approach bringing up our son without him being involved in a tug of war between the two countries and two families
Arghh
And the cold bed? Trip to the doctor? Check him in the night?