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Original poster

Don't know whether to trust my DDs father

20 replies

pemberleypearl · 29/12/2017 19:40

I can't go into a lot of detail as I don't want to out anyone, but would appreciate some advice.

I'm not in a relationship with my DDs father. We were together for a short time, broke up amicably and then I discovered I was pregnant. He wasn't great, but says he does want to be better now. Fine, I'm willing to give him a chance, especially as I get on with his family.

After we broke up, he got back together with an ex partner. They are/were living together. At the moment she is living away after a "fight". Still wants to give their relationship a chance though. Now - he admitted to me that the police were called. He says he didn't hit her, but that they both were angry and in hindsight he can definitely see why his behaviour could have been threatening (he's a big guy). He was arrested but released without charge next day and apparently the police said that they could see it was all nothing and not domestic abuse.

Now - he has never ever been abusive with me and I have never had reason to suspect he would hurt me or my DD. There was no issues of that sort with my stepson's mum either as far as I understand.

But am I right to be a little concerned now? Just because it seems the police wouldn't take some away unless they had to, right? Or maybe they would to try and diffuse the situation. But that still sounds bad.

I contacted the police today asking for information under Clare's Law but I've been told that my request doesn't meet the criteria for information to be released. Fair enough. But what do I do now?

OP posts:

Original poster

pemberleypearl · 29/12/2017 22:45

Bump

OP posts:

ItsChristmoose · 29/12/2017 22:48

Are you trying to figure out if you should cut him out of your lives? I don't think it works like that. He's your DD's father so if he wants access he can get it unless there's something very serious in his dealings with the police. Doesn't sound like it.

Original poster

pemberleypearl · 29/12/2017 22:54

No. I'm trying to work out whether myself and my DD would be safe with him, if we were all alone together.

Am I being ridiculous? I thought it was a bit worrying to find out he's been arrested following a fight with his partner.

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wheresthel1ght · 29/12/2017 22:57

I think there is a disclosureaw you can request info on his arrest about if you are worried. Clare's law maybe... Just because he says he was released without charge doesn't mean he was.

Original poster

pemberleypearl · 29/12/2017 22:59

I know what he says isn't neccessarily true. I would believe him if it wasn't a serious matter but don't want to take the risk.

The police however say my request doesn't comply with Clare's Law.

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ItsChristmoose · 29/12/2017 23:04

Have you ever felt unsafe with him before?

disneydatknee · 29/12/2017 23:07

I wouldn’t be too concerned as he’s been released without charge. Just sounds like an argument that got out of hand. Says more about their relationship than his personality. As you say, he’s never been violent to you or your dc.

Original poster

pemberleypearl · 29/12/2017 23:10

Hmm. I've never thought he would hit me or anything. Don't think he would hurt DD.

But he is a big personality and a big guy. I can see him being scary if he were angry. He never was with me really, but then we weren't together long enough to have that opportunity.

I've never had an argument though where the live would need to be involved. That's a big deal for me.

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Original poster

pemberleypearl · 29/12/2017 23:10

*where the police would need to be involved. Apologies.

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Changedname3456 · 29/12/2017 23:59

The police have a policy of always removing the “bigger” party when they rock up to what’s been called in as a domestic, unless there’s overwhelming evidence that it’s the female who’s the perpetrator.

Even then, it takes a lot to get the woman removed. I have first hand experience of that.

If he’s not been charged, plus the Police are saying it doesn’t fall under Clare’s Law, I think you’re pretty safe in assuming he’s telling the truth about the situation.

GottadoitGottadoit · 30/12/2017 00:07

To be honest, I wouldn’t be too worried about this.

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/12/2017 00:07

I don’t know. I called the police once after my ex became a stalker and was displaying some threatening behaviour. He just got a good talking by the police. Same with my neighbour and her abusive shouty husband who never hit her.

I think that if it had been just shouting, he wouldn’t have been arrested. There is something else he is not telling you.

You are right to be concerned but I would say that unfortunately it is very often that the law will not protect a child from a violent parent until they cause damage bad enough that is impossible to negate the abuse. Having said that, the fact that he is violent towards his partner doesn’t necessarily mean that he will be violent towards your child and on that basis, you have not much of a say if he wants to have regular contact.

How old is DD?

Original poster

pemberleypearl · 30/12/2017 00:24

"The police have a policy of always removing the “bigger” party when they rock up to what’s been called in as a domestic"

Yeah, I can believe this. And he would present as a threat probably even if he didn't mean to.

"I think that if it had been just shouting, he wouldn’t have been arrested. There is something else he is not telling you. "

This is my worry.

DD is 6 months. I'm not trying to find ways to stop contact or access. Just looking to be sensible and safe. I want the best for my DD.

OP posts:

Tinselistacky · 30/12/2017 00:29

Was he drunk? Maybe they took him away to give him chance to sober up before it got more heated?

Original poster

pemberleypearl · 30/12/2017 00:32

No I don't know him as a drinker. He smokes weed (which I hate) but I thought that made people kind of mellow, not aggressive? I know nothing about drugs :)

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ItsChristmoose · 30/12/2017 00:57

Be honest, are you looking for people to say something dramatic like you must protect your child from this man?

NotSureThisIsWhatIWant · 30/12/2017 02:24

If you DD is 6m, I would say that it is a matter of wait and see. I wouldn’t go into overnight contact at this time, especially if she is being breastfed, but I would start by suggesting a regular time for him to meet her at your home for a couple of hours once or twice a week. If after 3 months he is still interested and showing up for regular contact then probably I would allow him to take her out on his own or leave her with him and his family for a couple of hours for a few months before increasing contact time.

Having said that, if he gets stoned to the point of oblivion or drives under the influence, there is no way I would allow unsupervised contact without putting a good fight.

Notallthat · 30/12/2017 02:51

I'd be inclined to believe him on the basis that he told you, you would never have found out otherwise. It may have been a neighbour/passer by that called police and may have taken a heated argument as him being more aggressive than he was due to his size/loudness etc. Also the police may have taken him away from the situation to give both parties time to cool down. If she is going back to live with him he clearly wasn't given conditions not to contact/see her which i would expect would happen if there had been violence. I think you need to judge him by how he is with you and your child and not by what he has told you.

Broken11Girl · 30/12/2017 04:27

Getting into 'fights' with your partner is not great - hosever mutual.He doesn't have to be the stereotype of a big bad domestic abuser to justify your concern. I wouldn't be allowing a dad she doesn't know unsupervised access to a 6mo baby anyway, I'd try meeting him so he can get yo know her with you being there, and see how that goes.

Original poster

pemberleypearl · 30/12/2017 08:58

Thanks very much for the suggestions. I think I will give him the benefit of the doubt.

He wouldn't be having time with her without me anyway for a while because she hasn't bonded with him. We'll build up to that.

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