Stay or go?

[Dillydallyontheway]

I've been with my husband for over 12 years and I love him very much. Like most relationships we have our ups and downs. I'm going to be 40 in a few days time and I feel pretty down that this is all there is to life. I'm not sure how much my upcoming birthday is affecting my judgement, or if this is a bit of a mid-life crisis.

My husband is a kind man and we have a lovely home and are very comfortable financially. But I am really bored with our lives and progressively over the last 6 months or so I have been feeling disconnected to my DH. Hard to explain because I do really love him and on one hand I can't imagine my life without him. But on the other, I no longer visualise us growing old together etc and have found myself occasionally daydreaming about having a flat of my own. We don't have kids and he is not abusive etc but I genuinely cannot decide whether to leave or not. Has anyone else experienced this? Not sure what to do or how to decide... the indecision is awful and not fair on anyone

Seems a bit of a big step considering you love him very much. Do you really or is that just a default statement. Do you enjoy his company, does he make you laugh? is he kind? are you intimate?and do you still fancy him?

40 is a "is this it" age for many people and without meaning to be unkind and not knowing your circumstances, many people are preoccupied with kids so push past it and before they know it they are 50.

However, as you do not have children, at least your decision will only impact you and him. What is it you want from life and are you on the same page with that or do you feel you are going in opposite directions.

Maybe some counselling may help.

We argue a fair bit over stupid things but other than that yes... he makes me laugh and is kind. We are intimate, though not that often tbh. Our lives tend to be spent stuck in front of the TVs which I hate and find a waste but when we spend quality time together it is nice. I feel we r drifting along and become stuck in our ways so I do often think, is this it? My 40th has made me re-evaluate several things so I guess it isn't making me question this more too. I can see how it sounds quite a big step... I find it hard to put into words exactly why I'm questioning things. We are trying to spend more quality time together at the moment which is great.

Maybe you should focus on yourself and not your relationship.

Make some plans to do different things you enjoy and take the pressure off what you think a relationship should be.

I think most relationships go through crappy times but then improve again.

It's difficult to start again, I've been there, and to have a loving, supportive partner is actually pretty fantastic even if they're not perfect

Thank you - that's good advice. I'm going to look into trying a new hobby and maybe going for more walks etc - I'm overweight and need to lose weight/ get fit so will focus on that.

I would say all relationships have their ups and downs. There are peaks and troughs in all relationships - I think you need to ask yourself, can you see yourself old and grey with this person.

One thing I would say though is the grass isn't always greener and I don't think many relationships can stay in the initial sparkly honeymoon stage. Would you be happy being on your own long term? It can be hard to meet people these days, my best friend is single and has had horrid dating experiences, ghosting, liars, weirdos etc.

I would also add that I don't think the perfect man exists - there will always be things that any potential partner will do that annoy you 😊

What sort of things do you argue over. Are they really stupid things?
Has there been a trigger event to bring things to the forefront recently?

You perhaps should consider a few basic questions and be totally honest with yourself:

You say that you feel down that "this is all there is to life". What is it you want from life and why are you not getting it?

You say that your lives are spent stuck in front of the TV. What would you rather be doing and why are you not doing it? How does your DH feel about the time in front of the TV. Is he stopping you doing something you want to be doing or is he just content with that and not interested in doing something else with you?

You say you've been daydreaming about having your own flat. What would you be doing to fill your days with excitement that you cannot be doing in your current situation?

Have you spoken to you DH about the way you feel? If so, how has he responded. If not, why not?

Thanks for the replies - I know the grass isn't always greener and a single life would hardly be trouble free, financially alone it would be very tricky for me as DH is a high earner and I am not.

We tend to argue over stupid things although housework and general lack of communication are also common issues. He is making a bigger effort with the housework recently though.

No particular trigger that seems to have started all of this, but I have set up my own business about a year ago which has been rewarding but a lot of hard work/ stress for me.

What I want from life: travel, more quality time with DH/ date nights etc. The travel is very difficult now due to the new business: it is tricky for me to get more than 2-3 days away at a time and I'm often too tired to do much with my time. As for being closer/ more connected to DH, I think we're both in a rut. We're also both introverts and socially awkward so we often prefer to spend time at home, also we are both certain that husband has Aspergers (high functioning, but he really struggles to understand people and communication/ social situations in gerneral are extremely difficult for him), which adds to the difficulties... it's very hard for anyone to feel close to him. It doesn't bother him tho cos he is happy the way he is and doesn't crave that human connection, although it does upset him to know that I am unhappy/ feel lonely etc.

Husband is very happy in front of the TVs all the time and shows little interest in doing anything else together. We had a long chat this morning and he wants to make more of an effort so I feel happier with things. I guess if I had my own flat, I wouldn't be doing anything that different day to day but I would have my own space and watch my own tv shows. I would read more and have friends over to visit more. I don't tend to invite them round as he really cannot interact with them (even if he tries) and I feel awkward/ embarrassed/ stuck in the middle between trying to make him feel comfortable and them. When we are sitting in front of the TVs together I feel a bit ignored/ distanced from him, whereas if I was on my own I wouldn't have these feelings as I was sat there iyswim.