will he ever realise im not like his X? :(

[pinkpetals]

my dp was destroyed by his ex wife as she slept with his friend behind his back and called him whilst all was happening... they devorced and 2years later we met and got together (that was 5years ago) we have a ds together but he doesnt seem to realise that im not like his ex.. i love him and would never hurt him.. i try reassuring him every day but it doesnt seem to make any difference to the way he thinks..also he point blank refuses to ever get married again i know this is how he feels because he told me when we first got together before we had our ds. i really love him and want to marry him but im to scared to bring up the subject incase he rejects me i really feel the need to approach this subject with him but im not sure how to start off the conversation with him...how do you ask a guy like this to be your husband without him running a mile?! suggestions please!! thanx XxX

Your dp obviously (and understandably, given past experiences) has some trust issues, but for the sake of you and ds he has to do something about it. Does he not see that by you sharing your lives and having DS together he has committed himself. What more committment is marriage than having a child together. Would he be amenable to counselling? I know it's often suggested on these boards, but if it does nothing else, it gets people thinking about their situation and how it affects other people. The very fact that you want to ask DP to marry you should give him lots of confidence in your future together. You sound lovely, and a very loving and understanding partner.

thank you dweezle... i know it should give him confidence in our future but all he sees is a piece of paper that doesnt mean forever.. only to me, that piece of paper would mean forever. he says to me what is forever? and i say that forever is however long you want it to be, if you want forever it will be forever. i asked him to come to relate with me but he said no because he feels embarrassed and doesnt like talking to anyone apart from me about whats on his mind.. i really want him to know how i feel but im running out of options to make him see that i dont want anyone else but him forever! X

Rather than try getting him to talk about it which may cause him to put up his defences, why don't you plan a wonderfully romantic and special proposal. Plan a nice setting, write a lovingly slushy declaration of your love for him etc. Blow his mind!!
He may be so overwhelmed by your love that he accepts or it will at least open things up for discussion in a nice way.

As long as you are prepared for him to say 'no thank you darling' and you don't take it personally. His reluctance to get married isn't a reflection on you he is just protecting himself in the only way he knows how.

GOOD LUCK!

Hi pp, my dp has been 'damaged' by a woman...his mother. He doesn't trust women and I was told by certain members of his family when we first got together that he treats women like crap becuase he has no respect for women after what his mum did. I stayed with him anyway and we're still together and have a beautiful dd. He still doesn't trust women and often says 'you'll leave soon enough' and 'you wont stay with me'. I try to tell him that not all women are the same and some are loyal. My dp is also afraid of marriage, although I don't know why as having a dd together is a bigger commitment . I completely understand how you feel, its frustrating trying to get them to understand that you will never hurt them. Hang on in there and persist. Are you already engaged?

well we were but his x spoiled it the same evening!!! seems like were in the same boat because i get those comments aswell.. ''youl leave me for someone better one day'' and because theres an 11 year age gap i will apparently leave him for someone my own age?! whats more annoying is that he thinks he knows me more than i know myself! i know i love him and would never hurt him and im searching for ways to make him understand that.. but i also realise that im actually searching 4 nothing because there is nothing i can say to make him believe me! god its soo frustrating!!!! have you managed to get engaged to your dp daisy pops? thanks for your post at least i now know im not alone in this situation! X

thank you ifonlyhewould! what an appropriate nick name! haha. i think i might pluck up the courage to do that only preparing yourself for negativity isnt as easy as it sounds is it? even though i will try to prepare for it im not sure id be able to stop myself taking it personally, but at the same time i would have to because i obviously wouldnt call it a day on or relationship (if i did we obviously arent ready for marriage right?) thanks will let you know how i get on when i finally find it within to ask the big q X

Good luck!

I think you are already prepared for the fact he might say no but at least faced with the most wonderful, romantic proposal from a woman who so obviously loves him enough to risk a rejection might make him think, it might make him realise exactly how different from his ex you are. At least when you do propose his defenses will be down [smile xx