Should I go NC with parents? Help

[whiskyfairy]

Have name changed for this.

Just had another nightmare incident which has left me crying and debating whether to go NC with my parents.

Been staying there for Christmas. This evening I booked on a train to go home (live about 200 miles away, left home 10 years ago). My dad offered to drive me to the station. An hour before I left I checked and the train was delayed, meaning I would miss my connection. I was debating whether to leave early and try to make an earlier connection or to hope other service would accept my ticket on later train and not fine me. I’m not really a stressful person, I was just weighing up the pros and cons.

My dad absolutely flipped, told me he can’t deal with the stress of me anymore, that all my problems pass down to he and my mother, that they’re getting old and I’m not helping them. He made me get in the car and has driven like a complete idiot to the station; overtaking round bends, getting so close to other drivers.

This isn’t an isolated incident and it seems my parents have trouble separating my lives from their own. Eg my mum crying on Christmas Day because my brother bought me a poor gift and I asked him for the receipt to exchange it (brother

They don’t agree with a lot of my life decisions and would have rather I had stayed in our small hometown, got married, worked in a shop etc. Instead I went to uni, have a decent job but I’m single and do move around every few years. I’ve had breakups with long term boyfriends and stress buying houses etc and every time rather than being supportive, they’ve made me feel guilty and horrible for bringing my trouble to them.

I can’t work out whether going no contact is the answer or if it would upset them more. I don’t see them much as it is so limiting contact would literally put it down to once a year.

Any advice gratefully appreciated.

You all sound childish.
Just have a break from them and when/if they contact you be pleasant and calm, don't have any expectations and don't go to extremes. Sounds like you're all just into game playing.

I always think going NC (unless it's in a very extreme case) would be very stressful.

For one thing, I wouldn't tell them anything about my personal life. I would really limit visits - both in frequency and length of visit. I bet they never visit you, do they?

How often do you talk to them on the phone? I'm guessing the onus is on you to call?

What sounds childish? Genuinely, I want to know?

Can you give an example, bonfireheart, where the OP is childish and playing games?

Normally I see them once or twice a year and call every couple of weeks.

If I don't tell them anything about my personal life - eg if I've bought a house or split up with a partner I lived with - is there any point in being in touch at all though?

If they are no positive addition to your life and claim you are a hinderence to theirs I would just stop bothering with them tbh.

I think it is totally unfair of your parents to take out thier stresses on you.
I think thier marriage is at a strained point and they sadly take their agression out on you.
I do think though asking for the receipt from your brother was rude. You could have just said thank you and have it to charity since you know things are strained.

Forgot to say I would leave it in their court to contact you.
So Do you have much contact with brother and what is his relationship like with parents?

My brother isn't bothered, he pretty much offered the receipt when I opened it. In the end I just exchanged it no issue.

My parents have a much better relationship with my siblings because their lives are much more predictable (in my parents eyes) and therefore they haven't caused any 'stress'.

If he wasn't fussed, then it is very over the top for dm to cry about it.
I think sadly you may be right they wanted you to live your life the way they wanted and that not fair.
Let them chase you op and focus on people who made you happy

I'd probably stop telling them my problems and keep the relationship superficial and let them contact me. Sad, but if it's causing you unhappiness, this might work better?

It sounds like they are overwhelmed by your life. As if they can’t cope with the decisions and stresses of your life rather than supporting you and loving you unconditionally.

I’m so sorry you are feeling so upset. I remember what it felt like for me when I was around your age and the lack of support and constant criticism from my parents.

Keep building your life, live it well and surround yourself with friends who will love you like family. Don’t go NC but let your parents reach out to you. Send them a thank you card and then don’t contact them again unless they contact you first. Keep it lighthearted and don’t download on them. Xx

I'm not a particularly stressed person and have just seen any problems as things that would pass/needed sorting out. Certainly my life doesn't seem any more stressful than my friends yet their parents don't behave in this way.

To be honest I feel like I must be a freak.

I agree that NC can be extraordinarily stressful for you - and, even though they're awful, NC would very probably be extremely painful for them.

Yy they are dysfunctional. Yy they are toxic. So keep your distance. Be polite, don't share your life with them. For whatever reason they are incapable of sharing your life in an emotionally healthy way.

I'm convinced that most people who behave in a toxic way have simply no idea and would be baffled if you tried to explain. I have tried to 'explain' () to my parents that they are/can be batshit toxic and the result is they genuinely think I'm mentally ill. You have to laugh.

I know my parents love me but in the most disordered and truncated way. It would be agony for them if I cut them off. So, acres of therapy later, I view them as people with disabilities and tailor my expectations accordingly.

Going NC isn’t about how it makes the other person feel it’s about how it makes you feel. If you would feel better never having to hear from or see them affair then do it and sod what other people say.

Maybe you need to go limited contact with them, so that when you talk to them you don't actually tell them who you are seeing,where you work or live. Just tell them oh I'm fine and immediately ask them how they are, or discuss how well your siblings are doing. I found NC hard because it brings its own problems (contact with other family, big gathering s, feelings at Xmas and birthdays etc). If you can identify what stresses them, don't mention it. I do this and it seems to be working ok, though I have no illusions about what's said behind my back.

*again. Not affair 😂😂

I don't think there is any need to go NC. But I do think you need to manage them now. Don't tell them anything they might get upset about. Guard your tongue. It's not ideal, it's not what you want of the parents you used to be able to go to when you were growing up. But they are fading and you are potentially more able than them, and more adult. It takes readjustment of your expectations but to go NC would probably hurt them intensely ... and at a guess they could never understand your pov or why.

Maybe slowly ring them less or else ring as often but keep the calls shallow / shorter

Yes although they are not old - not even 50 yet - they had me very young. So hardly 'fading'... although I appreciate they are ageing, yes.

I have recently gone nc with mine (absolutely didn't want it to come to this but mother has been really really bad - I make her want to commit suicide being the worst example) I am a hard worker, went to uni and I think her spite has come from not being able to bully me.

You don't seem to speak to yours much as it is. Twice a year visit IMO is relatively no contact. So I would just leave it be

I went NC with mine about 4 years or so ago. It's worth really thinking about what NC means - I literally haven't spoken to or seen my parents and brother in that time, they don't know where I live, weren't at my wedding and don't know that I have two children. Genuine NC is incredibly difficult on some levels, so it has to be 'worth it'. It is to me.

Think about whether very low contact is doable for you because it's much easier if you can manage it.

I stopped confiding anything personal to my mother a long time ago. Before I left for uni. I still exchange pleasantries but it's all superficial. She doesn't notice though. She's the opposite of your mother in the fact she is hard as nails and wanted me to stand on my own feet from age 4. I felt quite rejected but she would say she was toughening me up for the world. I've accepted she is a bit of a bully and quite narrow minded. Make peace with the fact they are not who you wish they would be and adjust expectations accordingly.

I would also recommend in this instance you keep in contact but keep the conversations very superficial as others have suggested as this sounds like it would be less stressful than going nc.