Feel worthless and very depressed

[IrisAtwood]

In an earlier thread I described all of the horrible things that my ex did and said before he dumped in the same week that my Dad died and within two months of my being made redundant.

The thing now is that I stayed with him for four years, despite all of his abuse. I did everything for him. I’m quite attractive, educated, sociable and most people who meet me like me. But he still dumped me in a very cruel way.

What does it say about me that even an abusive shit who was living in squalor, has several severe mental health problems and who is totally inadequate doesn’t want me?

This year I lost my job (and won’t get another because of my age and health so have become self employed), lost my Dad, moved house four times, cared for my ex when his Dad died, (including organising and travelling backwards and forwards to his home country several times). When my x dumped me I also lost my home and had to mov out of the area where all of my friends were.

I am exhausted, feel completely worthless and that there is nothing left of my life except getting older, sicker and poorer.

I know this sounds like a self pity party, but please, if you can’t post anything supportive or helpful, please don’t post anything at all because I am very fragile.

My ex is an alcoholic and has mental health issues. He prioritised alcohol and pornography over me. I left with only my clothing etc he still has everything. I lost both my parents many years ago (I am 42). I am so sorry this has happened to you.

What does it say about you? Well it says you suffer from poor self esteem and see thr best in everyone.

What does it say about him? It says he's very ill and can't see a good thing when he has it.

It also says your tough as hell and whatever life throws at you, you're still standing and can come through it.

So what next? The only way is up right? The arsehole is gone. Time to focus on you, make 2018 your year 💐

@fantasmagoria I am so sorry that you went through that and that you’ve lost both of your parents.
As @Bluntness100 says *the only way is up...the arshole is gone...and we should make 2018 about us.

Cheers and love to both of you xx

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. It sounds as though you've had a really tough time. Please remember that NONE of the above are a reflection of you as a human being. Your ex's behaviours are a reflection of his own issues only. Having endured, and come through the experience of an abusive relationship I can tell you that it does get easier and you can use the experience to your advantage... to grow stronger and gain a deeper understanding of your value and needs. You now have an opportunity to create and live the life that you deserve. This 'man' has thrown you off track but do not allow him to shape your future.

Love the previous messages.
Can't quite understand why just because your ex is a waste of space it means you are the same??! Of course this isn't correct. Every relationship he has probably hits the buffers so the bigger question is why were you with him in the first place?
You now need to work on yourself, your confidence and your future. Take time to envisage your ideal life and set about trying to bring some of your ideas to life. Until you treasure and love your own self no one else is going to. 2018 is the year you learnt to take care of your own needs, the year you realised you were better than a down and out and actually gave yourself permission to be happy and fulfilled.

You have been through a horrible time. But you are not you're ex. What he thinks of you just isn't important any more. But what you think of yourself is. So focus on you and forget about him. He's the past.

It says he's very ill and can't see a good thing when he has it.

This is a really helpful statement. His family can’t believe what he has done and it isn’t because he has met someone else or because he fell out of love with me. He threw a tantrum and then refused to back down because he is always right. Always. He’s a mathematician.

He hated a joke I told him once (very early in our relationship when I still thought that there was hope,) ‘What’s the difference between God and a mathematician? God doesn’t think he is a mathematician.’
He said ‘That’s not funny and then sulked for hours.

@suchislife It also really helps to hear that things will get better and that I can get stronger.
@user147 I like the idea of envisioning my ideal life and working on myself. At the moment I just feel very tired at the though of it.
@viviennemary you are right. He is the past and that is where he should stay.

I know that feeling. I think I was a pretty good catch. A loving husband, good provider, father, smart etc. I loved her to bits and did evertging I could for her. Yet my ex was manipulative and abusive. Then she leaves me and our family for an abusive druggy 14 years her senior. So what does that say about me? That's what I was thinking as well. She chose a fat overweight abusive druggy who used to beat her as a teenager and that did not change 2nd time round. It made me feel worthless as she chose that instead of me.
You need to see that some people are not always logical. The fault is not with you, it's with them. I have built my self-esteem up since then and the world looks a different place from back then. Trust me that logic you are using doesn't work in real life. You are not worthless and the problem is not you.

I pitty my ex and thankful that she released her grip on me.

It says nothing about you and everything about him.

Learn to love yourself again. Find your fun again and live. Get out and do stuff just enjoying the moment and you’ll get yourself back again. A relationship where they make you feel like that is only going to drag you down anyway

You've had a tough year, but next year can be so much better. As you say, you're quite attractive, educated, sociable and most people who meet me like you, and that is both something you mustn't forget and is really a good start and something that will help you getting up again.

All of your replies are really great.
@1DAD2KIDS I’m glad that the world looks different to you now and that you have built your self esteem up since then.
@Karigan That is really good advice. One thing I am enjoying is being able to do what I want to without fielding a load of negativity and questions about it.
@hevonbu There are times when I can think more clearly and feel that it is very much his loss.

I think you put your finger on it when you said "I am exhausted".

Going through all of that, especially in such a short space of time, would leave anyone wiped out, and therefore in a negative frame of mind. Maybe you do have stuff to work on re. self-esteem and suchlike, but getting as much rest as absolutely possible for the foreseeable future will probably do you a lot of good on its own.

Wishing you the best of luck.

Iris I think we have spoken before. I’m sorry you’re feeling down atm but you have already said you are enjoying being able to do what you want without fielding a load of negativity. You are starting to see the chinks of light being away from this man.
I think you are doing a massive disservice to yourself looking for reasons why he ended things and why you may not be good enough. You are clearly a kind and decent person who maybe wanted to ‘rescue’ him. It doesn’t sound like he wanted that for whatever reason. You can’t save him, only he can do that. He will never ever explain his actions to you. You could drive yourself mad trying to find reasons for his behaviour. There are none that would make sense to a decent person.
He ground your self esteem into the ground but it sounds like you are starting to rebuild it. It’s absolutely normal to grieve the end of your relationship and to have times when we question why things happened. Try not to dwell on those times and focus on your future.
It’s New Year in 2 days. Try to focus on making that a fresh start with positive thinking and less looking back. All the dry best to you x

*very best

It says you are kind.

It says you are loyal.

It says you see others potential.

It says you have endurance.

It says you are one of life's givers.

However, it's time to get off the train with this one.

@Aminuts - We have spoken before and yes positive thinking does help.

@Rainbowmother - that is lovely. Thank you.

Love to you too iris!

As you said, your ex is an abusive shit. Abusive shit's do shitty things.. don't beat yourself up for his horrible behaviour. It's not you, focus on this statement which you said yourself (with a couple of minor tweaks) "I’m quite attractive, educated, sociable and -most people who meet me like me." you sound lovely and you deserve someone who appreciates everything you have to offer. Hugs x

I can really identify with this. Many of my relationships have been with the kind of men that afterwards friends ask me ‘what were you thinking?’ And always say that I’m too good for these guys.
I’ve been ‘in love’ with most of them, heavy drinkers, drug users, porn addicts, jobless , people who look good on the surface but are fucked underneath.
It’s no coincidence that my dad is a drug user and alcoholic and my mum has a personality disorder.
I feel very much like ‘damaged goods ‘ and my self esteem is in the gutter at times.
I feel unworthy and that even if I were to meet someone decent they would run a mile once they learned about my past and the kind of men I’ve slept with .
I’ve done pattern changing and freedom program as well as extensive counselling.
When I think I’ve made a decent change, had time on my own etc I get with guys who seem so much better/nicer/more decent but they always turn out to have issues and I always spot the red flags early on but find ways to justify it...
Sorry no help to you whatsoever, just telling you I understand then a lot of waffle

@Jellyheadbang,

It’s no coincidence that my dad is a drug user and alcoholic and my mum has a personality disorder.

My family is also dysfunctional. My dad was a narcissist, my mother has avoidant personality disorder and my sister has attachment issues. We grew up physically and emotionally abused - not to the level of broken bones or black eyes, but bad enough for us both to have anxiety, depression and lots of abusive relationships.
I am not intending to have another relationship for at least a year. It is part of my joining CoDA and going to a group every week. Codependency describes me very well so I am more optimistic about finding my way to some peace and contentment.

I came back to the thread because I am having another wobble today - lots of positive memories of my ex and missing our lifestyle. Reminding myself about how bad it was always helps.

Sounds like you are well rid.

My sister came out of a marriage and into a relationship with someone who clearly had issues, never worked, severe mental health issues. We were saying to her "what the heck!" But she didn't listen. Years down the line, she's left him, but she says she didn't know what she was thinking, like walking in a fog, she just went along with it.

She's in a really lovely relationship now, but she's an amazing person, she deserved better but couldn't see it. If she can do this, anyone could.

It happens, it doesn't say anything about you other than, it won't always be this way, you can move forward now he's gone.

Your future looks brighter without him.

she says she didn't know what she was thinking

I think its a form of madness. I have heard it called ‘limerance’ which made some sense to me when I read about it.

I am glad that your sister is happy and recovered!