Might have just split up. Or not. What now?

[shatteredandfedup]

DP has a long history of minimising health issues / denying they even exist until they're so big I have get involved and force him to get treatment (not a role I want to take). This has happened with three distinct - and treatable - issues now. But because he left it so long him being sick impacted on family life significantly, over the course of several years. 5yo DS has never known his dad fit and well. DP often is too ill to get out of bed - but with conditions that were ultimately treatable. I must admit I have lost patience and am not as sympathetic as I would be if he was trying to help himself

Recently he was diagnosed with having a hormone imbalance. This may be the cause of his low moods (and a knock on effect underpinning everything else). He's meant to be on the hormones everyday for a month - then they'll take blood and see if the medicine has worked.

I just found out he hasn't taken any since December 22nd at least as they got lost in the Christmas chaos. He was hoping they'd turn up and if not he'd mention it at his appointment in the New Year.

I could cry! His low moods effect us all and he knows the low levels of the hormone can affect his immune system.

Today he's ill in bed with one of his other conditions. He refuses to accept the two might be related. He says he was going to ask for more pills at his appointment. I lost my temper. He says a few days would make no difference.

It's not a few days though, it'll be at least 11 by his appointment. I'd really pinned my hopes on this treatment being the key to him being healthier - if a hormone imbalance was making him depressed then maybe this would help with his attitude to health in general.

Am I being unfair to be upset he didn't mention it / DO anything about it? And to express that frustration knowing he's in pain? I'm so fed up with him not taking responsibility for his health and the knock on effect it has on family life.

Also, knowing him he could well minimise it to the doctor - say he's just missed a few days, then that'll screw up the analysis of the blood result.

I've put this in relationships as he says he's in pain and fed up with me talking to him like that (expressing frustration with him) and he wants to leave. We had a row. He then came out with a load of stuff about us being better off without him.

I said if he wants to leave fine but do it because he's brave enough to admit it's what he wants - not to blame it on the rest of us.

Now he's upstairs in bed - in pain and miserable. I have no idea if we're still together.

We have 2 primary age DC.

What now?

Sorry there isn't really a question there is there.

I'm not sure what I'm asking really. Just after a bit of a hand hold really I guess. I've been on MN since I had my DD 10 years ago.

Now it all seems to be going down the pan. No idea how I'll cope on my own. Don't want to persuade DP to stick around if he's not happy - but saying leaving would be putting us first is bullshit.

Maybe we need counselling (if he's not actually leaving today).

How do you get decent counselling with no money?

I suppose my other question was AIBU for being upset at him not taking the new medicine seriously and sorting out a replacement ASAP?

(But not posting in AIBU! I'm feeling raw - not up to an AIBU kicking!)

P

His not looking after himself is really hurting you and your children.

Past a certain point it doesn't necessarily matter what the cause of bad behaviour is - what matters is how it affects you and whether you are willing to put up with it.

It sounds very complicated
But ultimately he isn't caring enough about himself or the others around him

I suggest he and you individually get counselling on your own.
I feel for him, but he has to help himself and I can totally understand your frustration.

All his energy is going into himself and him feeling sorry for himself and all your energy is wishing it would change.
Is he struggling with depression

Financially I would cut back on a lot for the sake of counselling
Forgo a holiday or clothes or pretty much anything aside from the basics, but if there is no money at all then I would contact a charity.

Yes he is depressed. Possibly caused by the hormone imbalance - I've really got my hopes up that treating the hormone imbalance might make a significant difference at last - hence gutted he's not taking it seriously.

He says he is taking it seriously and it's just a few days.

But he's minimising IMO. It's an 11 day gap at the very least if he doesn't do anything about it.

Worriedrose we are already back to basics.

We have no money for holidays (DC have never been out of the country). I don't buy clothes for myself. Don't go to the hairdressers. DC are overdue for new shoes. Our heating is on the blink and we can't afford to get the plumber in. Tumble dryer is bust - no money for a new one.

So we really don't have money for counselling. Own our own house and not on any benefits though besides some CTC so not eligible for things you need to be on JSA / income support for.

What charities are there for counselling?

He's in pain and has made it clear he can't talk - he's taken painkillers that make him drowsy. So I'm in limbo - no idea if he's leaving or not. Will have to wait till he feels functional again, probably tonight.

I'll eat my hat if he brings it up. I'll have to.

Sorry, that's awful for you.
I feel your despair

Perhaps the fundamental thing is, you saw this new medication as being able to really help him and yet he has not taken it seriously

You are not responsible for his health or mental well being

Only he is.

I'm sorry, this is fucking grim. I spent years with someone with Mh issues which impacts severely on our lives. And the problem is you feel like a total cunt one way or another.
But it's not your fault.

Sorry I've not been very helpful
I hope there are others with better words of wisdom out there

You have been helpful thanks. It helps to talk it over.

Perhaps the fundamental thing is, you saw this new medication as being able to really help him and yet he has not taken it seriously

Yes this.

And also when I say to him he's not taking it seriously he simply says he is.

We ended up in a ridiculous argument about whether 22nd Dec to when the Drs open in the New Year was "a few days" or "about 2 weeks" - total fucking deflection IMO.

I can't trust him. I said that earlier and he said "are you calling me a liar?" I said yes, you do lie to me.

He does, he minimises and lies about stuff he's in denial about, I wonder if even he's aware he does it.

I gave him an example - a while back he had a 2 day migraine. I phoned 111 (he was annoyed with me for doing this). He spoke to them on my mobile and it was loud enough for me to clearly hear the call handler say he needed to talk to a Dr within 4 hours. They advised he call the GP and request a phone appointment.

He got off the phone and I asked what they said. I must admit it was a bit of a trap as I had a feeling he'd lie. Sure enough, he said "they said to keep taking ibuprofen and rest". Total bullshit, I called him out, said "you're lying - I heard them say you need to call the Dr".

This was only a few weeks ago. Yet not he claims no knowledge of it. And then said "so our relationship is totally fucked then"

Still not admitting he lied though. Aargh!!!

I don't understand why he's so resisrant to getting help when he's ill.

Oh Christ. You are at your wits end
And he cannot help himself,

In reality the only way is out. It might make him realise the severity of it.
At the moment you're stuck at an impass

I feel for you op. I had a very similar problem with my now XH.
It is also one of the reasons he is now the XH

He's not going to leave. If he hasn't got the energy/motivation to take a bit of medication every day, how is he going to organise finding alternative accommodation, moving all his things out, sorting finances, etc. It's much easier for him to stay and wallow in self pity.

God he sounds awful. You would be so much better off without him.

Does he work?

He's been wallowing all day, it turns out. He's now into self loathing and paranoia. He did say we need to talk -- which is unusual for him, he never says that. So maybe he is leaving. He also said he was sorry and wasn't thinking rationally today so maybe he isn't. I don't know what to think. He accused me of "staring into him" when I was just being quiet because I didn't know what to say. He also said he thinks I hate him, which I don't.

He's asked The Dr for help with depression recently but the wheels are turning so slowly. I know he's sometimes suicidal so all this self loathing talk really worries me. He wasn't like this when we met.

I'm both angry and worried about him. He and I both need some outside help but I don't know where to turn or how to hurry up the help he's already asked for.

Fairenuff I dunno. He could leave quite easily if he wanted to. We're not married. The house is in my name and I own it outright. He's got lots of lovely friends back in his hometown who would welcome him in a heartbeat if he needed them. His work is online. He could simply up and leave without much thought if he wanted to. I don't want to stop him if that's what he wants, but I'm not having all this "you're better off without me" nonsense - It's bullshit.

He's not awful. This is a snapshot of a dark time, it's not the whole person.

He's kind hearted and funny. He's generous, gentle, clever and compassionate. I wouldn't be bothering otherwise.

But he's also grieving, depressed and in over his head right now I think.

To be very brutal, OP, as you aren’t married, you could make him leave given the house is in your name only. How long are you going to put up with this bullshit? He doesn’t seem to be helping himself and is deflecting/talking shit/focusing on the minutiae. Maybe he is depressed, but you have tried and tried, no-one can say you haven’t, but he isn’t helping himself, so how much longer is this going to go on? Nobody would blame you for kicking him out. I don’t know how you’ve tolerated this for so long.

He is depressed. There's no maybe.

I'm well aware I could ask him leave. I don't want him to go.

Oh god, I felt like yelling at him reading your OP!

He ain’t going anywhere!

I totally get it
Being with someone whose depressed is bloody hard.
I did it. I kept getting told i was enabling, I just thought I wasn't giving up on him

It's very difficult. If you care about someone you don't just give up, but if they can't help themselves then sometimes all you can do is save yourself