Feeling very guilty and trapped, but I want out.

[DrMumMum]

I'll try to keep this brief but I will so appreciate any advice that comes my way. I feel stuck. Stuck with my husband who is miserable and moody. We have a 12 month old and I really want to do the right thing for him as well as me.

Bit of a backstory. We had our child in city X, and now live in city Y. We moved because we couldn't afford to stay in city X as the rental prices were huge and we had to pay a fortune in child care. City Y is where my parents live and where I was born. I work part time and my parents do the childcare on these days. My husband knows nobody here (apart from those he works with) and only has me as support here I guess.

If I could press a button and be on my own with my DC I would. He goes away with work occasionally and I love it. At home is is grumpy and I tread on eggshells. He has never done much with regards to childcare. I do all the nights and weekends, along with the week care (I work p/t 0.5 and he is f/t yet only actually goes in 4 days per week and has a lot of time 'working from home's, but actually just sitting around iyswim. He will never go to the shops, or help out in any way like that. I do it all. He's moody and often stern with our DC. I feel frighted in his presence although I don't really know why. He hasn't ever laid a hand on me but I tiptoe around him all the time he's in the house. I really, really am happier alone. I don't think he would ever leave as he gets a good deal here. He pays a certain amount from his wages (less than half) and gets everything. He still complains of having no money at the end of the month. I worry that he may be gambling.

He used to be nice. He's addicted to pain killers and when they run out he is just miserable to live with.

I feel so guilty. Even typing this I feel like a horrible disloyal person. If I split with him, where would he go? Who would he turn to? I shouldn't care but I do. The house is in my name only as I had it years before I met him. If I make him leave he will be living in some crappy apartment no doubt. I don't feel I can do it to him.

I hate confrontation. I was physically abused by a sibling growing up. When I've tried to talk about his behaviour before I've been shaking with fear and adrenaline.

I just want a nice life for me and my child. I don't want him to grow up seeing mum afraid of dad. And why am I so afraid when he's never been physically abusive?

I dream of him having an affair so he could go off and be happy. I'm really that weak.

Sorry if this is all incoherent and jumbled up. I hope it makes sense to someone out there. I'm thinking of chatting to a solicitor soon, but can't even think about doing that without crying. So how TF am I ever going to leave him?

Sorry for the long rant. Will make a cuppa now I've finally been brave enough to post here.

Do you think the painkiller issue is the main problem here? What was he like before this problem arose? Has it at least been mentioned between you, if not properly discussed?

My love that sounds very stifling

The pain killers probably are the problem. They are opiates and they are very hard to go without once you are addicted. This is probably where a big chunk of his money is going too. People think they are not a big deal because they are available OTC but they are awful and he will need professional help coming off them and it will take time.

Whether you choose to stay with him through that is entirely your prerogative, and actually it’s not an excuse for making you feel uncomfortable or afraid around him. He may be feeling the lowest of the low when he is withdrawing but that is still not a good enough reason.

I would have a serious talk with him about the drug use, explain how he makes you feel and offer to help him seek professional help.

If he refuses to acknowledge a problem - leave him.

If you don’t feel you are able to have that conversation - leave him.

If he was like this before the addiction - leave him.

You have support from your parents, you will be fine if you do need to be on your own. But please seek support for yourself; living with someone with an addiction is very draining, you really need someone on your side.

Thank you both for your replies. I do think the pain killers are becoming a big issue. He gets them on prescription as he says he has an injury, but I know he doesn't take them because of the pain. Dusters, he was nice right at the beginning, but hasn't been nice for a long time now (married 3 years and he changed during my pregnancy). I have mentioned the drugs but I just get the answer that he needs them for his injury. I know this isn't true as he takes them all at once for the high then is left without and resorts to OTC codeine which he will then use and extract the paracetamol from.

Doe, thank you. Feels nice someone almost giving me permission to leave him. I don't know why I'm so weak. I used to be stronger. I travelled the world on my own before I met him. I was more confident.

How do I get past the guilt of where he will go. Do you think counselling would help?

Thanks for taking the time to reply

You're clearly a kind, considerate person who's given her marriage many more chances than others may have done. So unfortunately it will probably take you some time to move past feelings of guilt and anxiety for his well being. It doesn't mean that you won't move past them though. You obviously loved him very much once, and you have a child together which is a massive bond. But...

How much was he worrying about you when he changed during your pregnancy? You read this and hear it in RL so often. It's an exciting but vulnerable time, and he has a responsibility for the way he changed. Also, it doesn't look like he's worried about lying to you as to the real reason for him taking painkillers. If he won't admit he's lying and that he has a problem why should you be the one to suffer?

Are you thinking of counselling for yourself or couple's counselling? There's no harm in suggesting it to him. I think I'd need to be sure though that I felt there was enough of the "old" him left to fight for. It sounds like he's let you down in various ways. Is he still the person for you?

I think you know deep down that you don't need permission to leave him. Being more unhappy with him than without him is, I think, the only one you ever really need. As to losing confidence and feeling weak. I think anyone living in the situation you are would feel this way. You have a lot of uncertainty in key areas of your life. But once you decide what you want and need, and what's best for you, I'm sure the old you will still be there to go forward.

You are feeling frightened, even though he has never been physically abusive, because your instincts are screaming at you that this isn't right. Please don't ignore them! Dismissing them and trying to make everything right is causing you great anxiety, and this making you feel afraid. You are not responsible for this man, or his behaviour. Talk to him about how you feel, and ask him to go to the doc (for the physical stuff) and counselling (mental) for the sake of your relationship. If he refuses then that will tell you all you need to know, and at least you'll have the peace of mind of knowing that you did what you could. Please don't let this drift on though. You deserve to feel happy and at ease every day.

Thank you.

Dusters, I was thinking of counselling just for me. I think I need it. Looking back I was in a bad relationship previously and wanted to leave for almost 6 years before I blurted it out. I used to practice in the mirror but when I tried to say anything the words would get stuck in my throat. I've obviously got issues with confrontation (I think partly due to my childhood and my relationship with my brother). This combined with the guilt makes me worry I will be stuck here forever. But I must do it for my boy. I have an extra reason now, don't I?

Dieu, I don't think he would take up counselling even if I plucked up the courage to bring it up. I'm not sure if I even want to salvage this relationship now anyway. He's done too much. Maybe that would be a starting point to the conversation though.

I do still care for him, I wish I didn't.

Thanks for your supporting words everyone. I'm reading them on the loo having a little cry.