I DESPERATELY need help for my friend - please.

[Pandoraphile]

She is trapped in a very abusive relationship. They don't live together thank goodness, but he is making her life a misery. For example:

Constantly shouting and criticising her. Her self confidence is now zero.

Yelling at her in the middle of supermarkets for stupid reasons, e.g. He found her in a different aisle to the one she was supposed to be in. Seriously. Full on yelling at her so she doesn't dare to have the argument because it's so embarrassing.

Constantly telling her that she can have this, that and the other, then not providing it and laughing at her disappointment.

Frequently lying to her so she doesn't know whether to believe him or not about anything.

Withholding sex as a form of control.

Buying extravagant gifts for her dd that she could never afford herself (think massive flat screen tv for her bedroom for Christmas ).

He's a high earner and has manipulated her to ensure that she is utterly dependant on him. For food, fuel, pet supplies, etc. She works but had to take a massive pay cut for leaving London (2 hour commute each way from us). This is a total mess she's in and it's got to the stage where she's so depressed she's barely eating or sleeping. She's so ground down and such a shell of her former self that it's haunting to see. She is utterly miserable.

She finally confessed the extent of the abuse last night. We've agreed to get together tonight and try and form a plan for her to leave him. But I don't know where on Earth to start. It's all such a mess.

How can I help her?? Safely?

Does she suspect he could be physically abusive too?

Just with a view to how to leave

How exactly is she trapped if they don't live together?

Why would she uproot the whole family from London (with a massive paycut) if she doesn't live with him? And by the same token; if they don't live together how hard can it be to "leave"?

She doesn’t need to “leave” if she doesn’t live with him. She just needs to tell him to gtf.

She doesn't need to leave him, they don't live together, share children or finances. She just needs to end the relationship.

He sounds very abusive, emotionally and financially so I can understand why you are concerned for your friend.

My best advice is for her to contact Women's Aid - they will help to make a safe plan for ending the relationship. She should definitely get advice before ending the relationship as, you are probably already aware, the abusive usually escalates when leaving the relationship so this can be a very risky time. They can also point her in the direction of her local domestic violence service and they may be to give practical help about sorting out her finances as well as remaining safe.

You sound like a very supportive friend

I meant leave as in leave the relationship, not physically leave.

She never lived in London, she commuted for years and eventually it got too much for her. She relocated for work when the bf offered to help her financially.

She can't just tell him to fuck off because she quite literally wouldn't be able to afford to eat. That's the extent of the mess and hence why it's not a straightforward situation. I just can't bear to see her on such a slippery slope but I also can't see a way of practically helping her. I suppose there isn't one really

Thank you Highway. I hadn't thought of Women's Aid. That's definitely worth a try. Along with Stepchange, actually. Although I don't know the financial ins and outs yet.

How old is the daughter? Where is the father of that child? Who pays the rent and in what name is the flat she lives in?

DOes she actually have a job? Is the BF supporting her financially, as in, does he pay for her flat? If so, I guess she thought that she would be a pampered sugarbaby.... and discovered that the reality of being someone's paid GF is much less appealing than the illusion.

She needs to find herself a new job, or a second job; one that will actually pay the bills. She needs to claim housing benefit to help to pay her rent, if she cannot afford this on her own. If the landlord will not accept HB, then she needs to go to the local council, explain the situation and get herself put on the waiting list for property locally.

How old is the DD? Does she need child care?

Does he pay her rent?

You might need a bit more info of the financial ins and outs for us to give more relevant help x

Well when she ends the relationship (which she absolutely should) he will be under no financial obligation to her whatsoever so from a practical point of view she needs to figure out her finances first and foremost. She needs to figure out how/where she will live without his financial support.

If he’s likely to be abusive she may need to seek protection from the police or from the court. Legal aid is available for that provided she qualifies financially.

So first call is to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
Talk to them about the situation and see what they recommend.
Then a call to CAB to make an appointment to discuss benefits, housing, tax credits, etc....
She may also find Shelter a big help with living arrangements so call them as well.
I would also suggest calling 101 to let the police know the situation.
The DV division should be able to help.
She needs all the support services she can get at the moment.
So call everyone!
She's brave to have told you and to face up to this but together, I'm sure you can sort it out.

Wouldn't imagine women's aid will be much help; a friend trapped in a house with her kids in a much worse situation wasn't given a lof of help... obviously worth a try, though.

Could you stay with her while she goes through this? Or have her and her daughter stay with you?

Warn your friend that he will start to say he's changed, and apologise... will send expensive gifts. Tell her to have NO CONTACT after break up. Block number, temporarily suspended Facebook account, stay off WhatsApp and block his number. If DD has a phone/Facebook, she needs to do the same. Men like this will try to creep in via family members, playing the sympathy card.

If he says he misses DD, ignore, but hopefully contact will be cut by then.

Lots of security at home. Change locks if he has a key. Tell DD not to answer door. Change home phone number.

Lots of people get out of these relationships, but jump back in due to lack of self esteem (myself included!) so no contact is essential.

Worth getting her to be open with all friends and family as to the reason for the breakup. It's painful and embarrassing, but much safer for her and DD.

Sell some of the expensive gifts, tell him to fuck off and get a better job.

Look on the yougov pages to see what benefits she’s entitled to and apply tonight. Locate the nearest food bank and register with them. Get her to tell her family and friends as they’ll no doubt rally around her.

She needs to tell him to fuck off today, there’s no point in waiting.