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Original poster

When to introduce boyfriend to DS

19 replies

tessie31082 · 29/12/2017 08:52

So I've been seeing a guy for around a month (we've known each other years) but he's sneaking in once my 4 year old DS is in bed and as he start work at 3am leaves well before he wakes up! As this is the first relationship since I split with the EX (I was with him for 17 years) I'm wondering when and how I start to mention 'my friend'. I don't want to introduce them too early - I'm thinking maybe 3-4 months down the line? How long was it before you introduced your kids to a boyfriend?
TIA x

OP posts:

Angrybird345 · 29/12/2017 08:53

Wouldn’t consider it before 6 months.

TheNaze73 · 29/12/2017 09:03

I did it after 18 months

Smeaton · 29/12/2017 09:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

C0untDucku1a · 29/12/2017 09:07

Wait a year. Does he actually take you out or just come found to sleep with you? While your child sleeps in the next room. Within a month.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 29/12/2017 09:21

My girlfriend said it would be at least a year when we got together (two daughters aged 2 and 6 at the time)

I would also sneak round after they were in bed after a month (but didn't sleep there!) and we'd also known each other for a couple of years (which does make a difference.)

In the end it was about 4-5 months, at the dad's suggestion weirdly enough. It was fine, I was introduced as a friend and we were going to keep that act up as long as it took the girls to seem ready. After three weeks the 6 year old said it was stupid that me and mum weren't boyfriend/girlfriend because then I could stop having to go home in the evening, and that was that... We kept an eye on them and I was prepared to go back to my apartment at any time, for however long necessary if the girls needed more alone time with their mum, and we'd make sure there were times where she had a chance to talk to them alone and subtly check that nothing was bothering them.

What we really learned was that kids are very adaptable if everyone involved has their best interests in mind throughout the process :)

I've lived there over a year now and it's going just great.

ILoveMillhousesDad · 29/12/2017 09:26

After three weeks the 6 year old said it was stupid that me and mum weren't boyfriend/girlfriend because then I could stop having to go home in the evening

Sorry, I don't believe a 6 year old said this. 'Why are you going home?', maybe, but the above is something you have made up yourself to rush the relationship along.

strangerhoes · 29/12/2017 09:29

^^ agree

fantasmasgoria1 · 29/12/2017 09:32

Loads of people say a year but I don’t necessarily agree with that. When you are sure it’s serious then consider it. You know how your own child will react etc it’s all personal choice. I met my fiancé daughter after two weeks but then she is 19!

mummypig14 · 29/12/2017 09:34

Wow im so shocked by these replies!! I dont think you should bring someone over to your house and be all cozied up in their home space together but 6months-year is way too long!

After a few dates with a guy I was seeing, we took both our DCs to an afternoon out together and introduced each other to our DC as 'friends'. Our children are such huge parts of our lives it was important we all got on and as two single parents it was nice to have some company on weekends with my DS!

Our children are both onlies, same sex and same age too so it seemed silly to only to see each other when we were alone.

Having said that it was a few months before we'd hold hands in front of the DC etc!

I cant imagine waiting 6 months or a year and finding out he was crap with DS. My free time not working I like to spend with DS so as long as you only introduce them as a friend I dont see the problem

Happywhenfed · 29/12/2017 09:35

Between 5-6 months for me.
BF started to come to arranged meals/ days out as part of a wider group of friends as another friend and I was quite prudish about holding hands or kissing (peck on the cheek) in front of DC at first. After a few months of light introductions DC invited BF to come with us on days out just the three of us so it felt like a natural progression.
I’m not sure if it would have been different though having BF in our place early on and staying over, it might have felt more like introductions were at my pace - but every family is different. Ex has DC some overnights so we could enjoy time alone together at his place which not everyone has.

Adviceplease360 · 29/12/2017 09:37

Wait a year.

mummypig14 · 29/12/2017 09:37

I fully belive what newlevelsoftirednes said. My then 5yo often says very intuitive things like "'I'm sad Daddy left but then I would have never met new DP".

WasDoingFine · 29/12/2017 09:50

Stbx introduced OW after 4 weeks of us separating. My children are struggling

Mintychoc1 · 29/12/2017 09:54

You will get hugely varying advice on here OP, ranging from people who move a new boyfriend in after a week, to people who say you should wait 18 months.

However, in my experience the people who advocate waiting ages are usually people who have a fair amount of child-free time, often the non-resident parent. In those situations it's obviously very easy to continue a relationship quite happily without involving the kids.

Those of us who have the kids all the time don't have this luxury.

I have my kids all the time except when I'm working. When I asked this same question I was told I should wait at least a year. I shouldn't sneak boyfriend in when they were asleep as they would "just know". I shouldn't bring boyfriend out with us on days out as a friend. I was advised I could meet boyfriend on days of annual leave from work, which would mean we saw eachother about once a month for a few hours! Basically I as told that as a single parent of youngish kids with no father around, I shouldn't be having a relationship. It pissed me off to be honest.

So do what you feel is right OP. You know how this relationship is going, you know if there's a future in it, and you know your child.

AintNoOtherFan · 29/12/2017 10:20

I agree I wouldn't want to wait a whole year then realise my boyfriend was crap with my dc or my dc just didn't like him for whatever reason. As long as he is introduced as a friend and you don't start moving him in after 5 minutes then that's fine.

I swapped my weekends with my ex after a year of being with my dp sp we could have our dc on the same weekends together and after discussing it with my dc. Initially my dd said as long as they still get time with just me then that's fine. Now they keep saying "when is dp coming" because they like him so much and want him here all the time because he's a big kid with them. I can't imagine though if it had gone the way and they didn't like him that much, wasting a whole year on a relationship which wasn't going to work out due to the dc/do not getting along that well.

Mooncuplanding · 29/12/2017 10:22

I think it's when you are past the initial flushes of lust and can say confidently that there is something in the future for your relationship.

And NEVER if the relationship is a'drama' relationship.

For me it was 5 months that I felt confident and fair to introduce them all, which we did in neutral territory.

id had boyfriends longer than 5 months before but never introduced as they were drama/insecure relationships. So glad I never introduced them!

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 29/12/2017 10:39

@ILoveMillhousesDad

I'm not personally fussed if you believe me but it sounds like your disbelief is based on my story not fitting your narrative of how it should work.

She asked that I slept over, in her mum's bed. Her mum explained that adult friends don't share a bed unless they're in a relationship, and she came up with the obvious solution to that.

Now I'm not saying a six year old has a proper grasp of what that means. What I do know is that for the past few weeks she'd had a friend that would play with her and her sister while mummy cooked etc. I'm sure it was more about this friend being available until she went to bed and when she got up in the morning. The importance to us was that she was comfortable with me being there.

It was actually a trickier process transitioning to me taking an equal share of the adult tasks over time and this not being the 'always available playmate!'

Original poster

tessie31082 · 29/12/2017 11:43

Thanks all. BF also has a soon to be 7yo DD, my DS is soon to be 5 so at some stage should things progress we would meet up at the local park to introduce them and each other as friends. He does stay over a few times a week on the sofa just in case DS happened to wake up! On the odd few hours a week I get when DS sees his dad then we go out for lunch or to mooch around the shops. Thanks again for all your opinions.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 29/12/2017 11:47

6 year olds are not all the same. Some are more articulate and intelligent than others.

Like adults they have had different experiences...which shape who they are.

A young female relative (also 6 at the time)..asked whether a certain pregnancy was as a result of "a cheat, a rape or an affair"... I was quite astounded.

OP... start introducing him as a friend... have him spend time with you altogether... then see how it goes.

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