Missing what I've never had

[AEJS]

A bit of history about me. Last year after 40 years of emotional abuse I went NC with the whole of my birth family. I won't go into too much detail about the abuse but to say it has left me with severe psychotic depression and PTSD. I have been hospitalised 4 times into a mental health facility in the last few years.

Last Christmas the NC thing was very new and I spent Christmas expecting someone to turn up. They never did.

This year I watch other families and hear about their time together and I feel sad. I wish I had a nice birth family to spend time with. I wish I had a DM I could call when I was having a bad day or had some good news to share.

I made my own Christmas cake and had to research it all by myself. I wished I had been able to share that experience with a DM who cared about my project. I wish I'd been able to show her how well it went and how proud of it I was.

I wish my beautiful, amazing DCs didn't have a mum that's a mess and grandparents who didn't give a shit.

To be more positive I do have a wonderful, supportive DH and my DCs 14 and 12 have been very understanding about us going NC. I just wish things had been even better for them.

Don't get me wrong. I don't regret going NC for a second. It was and still is the right thing to do. I am just wishing that my mother had loved me 40 years ago.

to you OP, you made a very brave (and correct!) decision but it must be tough.

Are you familiar with the Stately Homes thread on here, on the Relationships board? I gather they're a great support to people with toxic families of origin

Thank you. I will go look for it.

Must be tough. From my family I only have my mum and nan (no siblings) NC with the rest. I have a great DP. Focus on the good and you're only little family, make happy memories with them and pride yourself on not being like your abusive family. Chin up

You are grieving, op

I’m sorry for your experiences. Everyone deserves a family who loves them unconditionally. It’s terrible that you didn’t have this.

Be kind to yourself, get support and love your own DC so much they feel it every day and are certain of your care and affection always.

Have you ever heard of the charity stand alone? They might be a good resource for you. I attended their therapy group a couple years ago when I was struggling through something similar (going NC/sort of my decision and also not my decision with brother, who was one of the only family I had left and meant losing touch with my beloved nephews). It really helped. You're still grieving and it won't necessarily get better quickly 💛 It takes time and it's painful. Well done for asserting boundaries and doing what's right for you despite how hard it is. What a brilliant example to your kids.

I understand too. I've been no contact for twenty years.

All I can say is that it gets better. Where you are, at the beginning and getting used to it, really hurts, but this doesn't last.

But yes it does hurt, seeing others all happy and just hurting that we don't have that. Looking back, I had to minister to myself quite a lot while I didn't that hurting.

The other side of it thought is this. No more pain! No more upsets of that ilk. Things stabilise and just get better. Also, you feel proud of standing up for yourself and the reasons you were compelled to do so really stand out and firm up. People aren't meant to be abused, it's wrong. Standing up against it and ending it is right.

I'm sorry your hurting but it does get a lot better. I wrote for Stand Alone actually, and I also have a blog....elhenderson.co.uk for adult survivors of abuse xxx