Understanding Friendship

[MimpiDreams]

Can someone help me understand what's going on with my friendship? I have autism so am quite confused. I don't often make friends and when I do they never last and I never know why.

The friend in question is the exception, we've been friends for around 6 years. I've barely seen her over the last 18 months. I invite her round here or out for coffee, she agrees and we set a date/time but then she nearly always cancels due to sickness, lack of sleep, toddler not having a good day. I've seen her once in the last 8 months and been cancelled on a dozen times.

So I stopped asking. Then having only minimal facebook contact for a month, she contacts me before Christmas to arrange a get together at a local cafe on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it. I've just received a message apologising because she's got to cancel due to illness again. Except nobody is actually sick yet. They're just anticipating being sick because a cousin they saw yesterday had a bit of a cold and also they don't want to be exposed to public germs as that will just make it worse.

Am I wasting my time on this friendship?

Hello, it sounds like you are wasting your time on this friendship.

Are you a member of your local National Autistic Society branch? They very often run groups for adults with autism which enables you to meet local people in your area and can offer support with things like developing friendships when you are on the spectrum. If not, a quick online search should bring up your local branch.

Good luck.

No, you're not. She's got a toddler so for the last 18 months she's been pregnant, had a Baby and now a toddler. Her time is not her own as it used to be and she might be struggling. Maybe offer to go round?

Sorry 'toddler' is how she refers to her DD. Her toddler will be 5 in a few weeks. We met at antenatal class.

The last few times I've tried to meet up I have said that I'll go with whatever is best for them, mine, their's or some place else. I've even pulled DS out of nursery early to meet at a time suitable for her, but then been cancelled on.

She contacted you, so clearly wants to stay in touch. Why don't you offer to go over to her house for a catch up and to play with her toddler with her?

Sounds like she’s not dealing very well with parenting if she’s scared of “public germs” making a cold worse? That’s not possible. Does she have much help from her partner? Sounds like she might be super stressed for some reason. Who’s still referring to their 5yo as a toddler?

It does sound like she still wants to know you, so i’d Just put this friendship on the back burner. I think you should be available if she contacts you but there’s not much point in chasing her. Occasional invite if she does the same for you.

She sounds like hard work. I don't think I'd bother agreeing to meet up anytime soon.

I think you can approach this two ways. 1: call her out on it, ask why she cancels so much as you look forward to meeting and then falls through every time, that you would like to see her but something is obviously stopping it (she may need support or someone to push and find out if she really is ok!) OR 2: give up now andtell her you’re sick of all the cancelling and it’s too confusing for you so your done!
In my opinion anyways.

It's not you OP, honestly. She sounds very precious, and hard work. I would leave it. If I had a friend that I had to keep cancelling on, I'd go out of my way to make it up, even if that meant going out for a drink or meal when the children were in bed. Sorry this has happened to you

I was still unsure, struggling with this. But today I'm not. I don't go on Facebook much but I do see what comes up that others are posting. Was a bit annoyed to see pictures my friend posted throughout the day of her and her DD out having fun shopping, laughing and trying on clothes and testing toys etc. They made me feel quite sad but I didn't comment.

Then she posted a picture of her DD with an enormous hot chocolate in what I recognised as the cafe we were supposed to meet at. I couldn't help myself and commented 'that looks nice'. Friend replied 'had to pop out for essential groceries, a quick treat to try and lift the spirits of a poorly little girl'.

I cannot abide people who lie to me. I have enough trouble understanding human interactions without adding deception to the mix. I'm done.

All sorts of horrible words about your "friend" went through my head when I read your last post Mimpi, but saying them won't help you, so I won't.

I will say that I think you've reached the right conclusion, and I'm very sorry you've had to.

You sound lovely and I'm sure you will meet other friends who will treat you as you deserve

Wow, that's not nice. Glad you are done, that is not what a friendship looks like.