Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

Husband is in contact with an ex...

8 replies

bloodsister · 28/12/2017 21:31

Hey everyone, first time here and posting so be gentle! I've been in a relationship with my husband for 15 years now. We've had some bad times but generally ok but since about a year ago I've been questioning myself if I'm actually in love with him. For the past year he's had alcohol problems spending £100s each month and we're not wealthy; I'm a full time mum to our 2 kids (2 and 5) and he works between 48-55hrs pw for around £23k. After so much arguing he has cut down but, in my opinion, he should cut down even more. Because of past events my trust for him has diminished over the years (started when he was addicted to cannabis and was stealing money from me and selling my possessions to pay for his habit when I was working full time - before I found out I thought he had kicked the habit as I was pregnant with our first). Lately when we go through a bad patch (and this is totally wrong of me) I hack onto his Messenger to see if there is any indication that he is back on the weed or anything else similar but yesterday when I did this I stumbled upon messages between him and an ex. Now there's nothing serious in it and I'm sure she (the ex) sees my husband as a friend but it's what he says to her which is like he wants her to react and talk more than friends; saying things like 'being with you I thought I was punching above my weight' and 'I miss you so much, I want to meet up with you' and 'don't just settle in a relationship like I did' (ironically they were talking about her boyfriend who has recently cheated on her). I know their relationship was before mine and my husband's as in the messages he refers to when they lived in Cornwall. He's never said her name to me, I don't know how serious their relationship was and how it ended. I want to say to him 'WTF!!' but obviously I've done wrong and shouldn't be hacking into his private messages. The last quote hurt me a lot... For too long I've gone out of my way to keep him on the straight and narrow to then be mentioned as something that seems like I'm second-best, if that...

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/12/2017 21:35

Oh god, I would've got rid of him years ago! How can you live with a lying, cheating thief?

You and your children would be much better off without this waste of space.

Babyblues052 · 28/12/2017 21:40

I'd leave the dick. He has no respect for you or your relationship. You've stuck by him and helped him through thick and thin and the best he can say is he settled? Why would you want to be with someone who thinks of you like this? And it seems to me like he is quite open to having an affair. You deserve way way better than this

My advice would be to leave asap.

Original poster

bloodsister · 28/12/2017 22:03

Had a take a moment to cry just then. I feel like a complete and utter idiot. I've never thought about him as the cheating type but maybe this is what he wants to do now if he hasn't already! Thing is, if I leave I have nothing. We're in Dorset, my family are in Surrey. We live in his business' accommodation. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/12/2017 22:07

Would it be possible to go back to your parents' home?

Original poster

bloodsister · 28/12/2017 22:13

Nope! My parents run a fostering business and there's no room there especially if I want my kids with me (which I would!). Anyone know the next winning lottery numbers???

OP posts:

Rainbowmother · 28/12/2017 22:20

You can't stay just because it's convenient.

I think you already know how you feel. There have been so many incidents of breaking your trust.

You had to hack in as you repeatedly get lied to by him. Don't beat ur self up about it!

If this ex gave him the green light, you know he would be there in a flash. He's fishing for her to give him the nod.

Are there any other relatives / friends who could put you up very short term while you talk to the council about emergency housing etc ?

Original poster

bloodsister · 28/12/2017 22:34

No, there's nowhere I can go. My sister has a very small 1 bed flat, my best friend now has PTSD after a very recent miscarriage so she doesn't need to hear my stress. I have new friends down here but no one I feel comfortable yet talking to about this let alone crashing on their sofa. The council put us up in a bnb a few years ago and those places are horrible; nowhere where I want to go again with my kids but then if the kids are housed with my husband then they won't help me. I feel the only way out of this is if I get a job to financially support myself.

OP posts:

scrabbler3 · 28/12/2017 23:22

He's horrible. A terrible role model for your DCs.

Do what you need to do. Make an exit plan. Get a job and squirrel money away as quickly as possible. Sell anything you won't miss, and hide the proceeds. You just need to amass enough money for a rental deposit, from which you can initiate divorce proceedings.

Flip