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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't trust DH with money - what to do?

19 replies

olddogsnewtricks · 28/12/2017 19:47

I am furious with dh. He is hopeless with money - not spending it as such but not keeping track of it. A few years ago he signed up for a car sharing service which he thought would be useful for us. It would have been but he didn't bother to tell me about it so I never used it and neither did he. I found out after three years that he had been paying for it by direct debit and cancelled it. Two years ago we moved house and he had to cancel a phone contract we had. Only he could do it as he was in his name. I asked him several times if he had done it and he said yes. Tonight I found out that he "hadn't got round to it". I am furious as again, he has thrown away money. I feel like I have to micromanage him and it is just another item to add on to the list of things that DH cannot do . We are not rich but not poor either. I am always trying to save a bit for luxuries which he says that we cannot afford like a weekend away so this just feels like a big slap in the face. BTW at work, he is responsible for big budget projects where such slip ups do not happen and would not be tolerated.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 28/12/2017 19:50

Oh dear. Very reminiscent of an ex of mine. Very intelligent but EQ was in the toilet.

Has he an odd relationship with his parents?

dementedma · 28/12/2017 19:57

After a financial "incident" last year with dh, I set up some new bank accounts. We had always had one shared bank account up to now, but now I have my wages paid into one account, dh's go into another and they both "feed" a percentage into a central account for bills and food. What's left over in the individual accounts, if anything, belongs to the person who earned it. As i earn more than dh he is not happy, but I pay a larger amount over into the central account so I think it's fair. It has not been easy and has caused a lot of stress, but he should have thought about that before he fucked about with "our" money! Hopefully this system will work better

Buck3t · 28/12/2017 20:00

Same problem I had and am starting yo have again.

Does he acknowledge he is Bad with money management?

Buck3t · 28/12/2017 20:01

Same problem I had and am starting yo have again.

Does he acknowledge he is Bad with money management?

olddogsnewtricks · 28/12/2017 20:15

Does he acknowledge he is Bad with money management?

Not really. He just procrastinates and says he was going to sort it but it is a lot of money!
@Notthefordtype I don't think so.

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TheNaze73 · 28/12/2017 20:53

I totally agree with you demented but, got crushed on another thread some time ago for suggesting that!

dementedma · 28/12/2017 21:05

after 30 years of a shared account naze dh isn't happy at all but it's about time he realised that I'm not subsidising his lifestyle and low earnings any more!
This is the first month of the new system so we will see how it pans out...

Buck3t · 28/12/2017 22:54

sorry was away. what I did the last time was organise what is important. what needed paying first in what order. I was in control of all the money and he was happy as it was one less thing to worry about. (talk about the mental loadHmm)

i lapsed a couple of years ago. i didnt want to continúe being solely responsible for the finances.

but Im getting back on it this week.

the important thing is to get him to agree to this. you need to gain Access to his account. online. If he wants to stay in control, stand over him to make transactions.

do not share an account that isnt only savings or bill paying. Ensure direct debits can be accessed by you. its a questión of trust and right now you do not trust him.

Buck3t · 28/12/2017 23:01

oh and Dementedma is spot on.

when you both have different ideas on how to handle money but one of your ideas are detrimental to your financial security. The sensible one must make the tough choices.

olddogsnewtricks · 28/12/2017 23:20

I know you are right but it's not just the money, it's the mental load. The list of things I have to do because he can't be trusted is just getting longer and longer and I am fed up. He earns a lot more than me and I am part time partly because he can't do anything! He is only this incompetent at home though.Hmm

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olddogsnewtricks · 29/12/2017 01:41

Aargh. I can't sleep because I can't get over this and his complete lack of remorse for such a fuck up. He on the other hand is fast asleep. I really didn't think we would be going through this again...

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crazyhead · 29/12/2017 08:13

Does he pull his weight with other stuff round the house/related to your shared lives? Who has more leisure time? I wonder if this is really about money - this isn’t about him overspending, just being reliable. In my marriage, I tend to be on top of some areas (me - house, practical kids and foods arrangements, DH bills, tax returns, car, holiday arrangements). We’re both v busy people and i suppose it works that we ‘own’ areas of responsibility and give each other a break in them. Is your DH reliable in other ways? Could he ’own’ more in other areas?

olddogsnewtricks · 29/12/2017 08:20

Could he ’own’ more in other areas?
I wish he could but he seems to be unable to.

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Hassled · 29/12/2017 08:22

It is absolutely infuriating when you know someone is perfectly able to be competent and efficient and has a functioning memory at work, but can't manage (can't be arsed?) to keep those skills at home. I lost my shit with DH recently over this - he pointed out that we really need a cleaner and he'd do the research and find someone. Both of us knew as he was saying the words that it would never happen; there is not a cat's chance in hell of him getting round to it. And in a classic example of cutting off my nose to spite my face I'm not sorting it either, because why should I have to be the administrator yet again?
So I have no useful advice but a bucketload of sympathy.

Iflsido · 29/12/2017 08:40

Happened in my first marriage. Felt like being in charge of another child.

Tried so hard to budget together but no. Never worked. Just caused so much stress. He was such an over spender on little things. Made it worse in a way because it was death by a thousand cuts.

IrritatedUser1960 · 29/12/2017 08:48

This was just one of the reasons my marriage collapsed, I could not live with somebody who wasted all our money.
It is one of the major causes of divorce and if he is generally pretty useless as well he is heading for a fall as far as your marriage is concerned. This has to be sorted out somehow if your marriage is to survive.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/12/2017 10:35

I am part time partly because he can't do anything!
WOW!
That's not good at all.
What do YOU want to do about it?
Do you have DC together?
Could you work full time?

LadyLapsang · 29/12/2017 10:55

How much money has he wasted by signing up to the car share and not cancelling the phone contract? How does that relate to his income / bonus? I expect he would probably argue that he focuses on work because needs to perform at work to keep his job / advance. Also, importantly, he probably feels there are people at work who have power over him / to whom he is accountable. However, on some level I bet he thinks he is more important than you / his time is more valuable than yours and he doesn't have time for all this petty admin.That is a difficult one to crack.You resuming your career full-time may send him an important message.

dorislessingscat · 29/12/2017 11:09

There was a long thread about incompetent husbands started by a lovely poster. It destroyed her marriage. Does anyone know what happened to her?

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