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Original poster

Put on weight

25 replies

Honeypink · 28/12/2017 16:11

I’ve piled on the pounds (2.5 stone) over the last few years DP and I have been together for 3 years. I’m not particularly happy in the relationship, he’s just told me he doesn’t want to have sex with me because I’m fat. We haven’t for months and months. I don’t really blame him but is this acceptable?

OP posts:
userxx · 28/12/2017 16:17

It's not nice to say it out loud and he could have worded it differently.

hevonbu · 28/12/2017 16:19

I don't think the weight is the problem to be honest. There must be something else also. Have you generally drifted apart, different interests and different expectations for the future?

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 16:20

Tell him you have put on weight because you are unhappy and that at least you can lose weight but he'll always be a twat.
You deserve better than this.
Good luck for the New Year.

Ofthread · 28/12/2017 16:22

I think you could do with losing some weight: him.

Lefty1 · 28/12/2017 16:28

I love my DP no matter what but if he was to put on weight (through choice & not illness) I'd have an honest conversation with him about it, I think it's good to want to maintain your attractiveness/well being for yourself & for your partner. If the weight gain was due to illness then I'd love him regardless & want to be with him. At the end of the day we will all go old and beauty fades, what matters most is the personality compatibility. Maybe have a pragmatic discussion with him? You mentioned you weren't happy ? Is there something else that's going on aside from what you've mentioned?

Are you happy in your own body? If so state that & you have no plans to change but if you're feeling uncomfortable with your own body then work on that for you xx

Josuk · 28/12/2017 16:31

OP - it’s hard to really say anything, or make a judgement by one short post.
You are unhappy in the relationship. And that probably has something to do with you piling on the weight.
You haven’t been intimate for months and it’s still a fairly new relationship.
Do you think this relationship has enough strength to survive and continue for a long term?
As to weight - it’s more a symptom of things being wrong, rather than the cause.

As to you original question - is it acceptable?
Not a real question now, is it. As you say you understand where he is coming from.
He is just being honest.
Attraction is not something we can control. And we are visual beings. So there does come a point when visuals matter and can alter that attraction.

scottishdiem · 28/12/2017 16:32

You have to be the weight you want to be. If that means staying as you are or losing some that is up to you. But it has to be your choice.

Different people find different things attractive and that does include differing levels of body fat. He was honest with you. Be honest with him, if he is the one making you unhappy ask for changes or split up. Your choice could be to lose the weight at the same time he makes changes. Or not.

But it is acceptable to say that you no longer find someone sexually attractive. Many women do it here so men can do it as well.

Original poster
Honeypink · 28/12/2017 17:06

Thank you all for your responses, much appreciated. I know I need to loose weight and I will in my own time. We've gone through a lot in a relatively short space of time, unexpected misscarrige, two illnesses (me) I had to be hospitalised and he has gone through a divorce acamibly with three children, his ex now lives in a different country and he was basically homeless when I met him so I agreed he could move in. It was great at the start but financially things are hard for us both, I have my own flat, he pays towards things. i'm not sure we are even compatible in terms of shared interests, sense of humour, I feel a bit like we live separate lives. I love him though, but i'm fed up of arguing sometimes!

OP posts:
Indigo911 · 28/12/2017 17:11

It depends how you carry it. If you’re tall and were skinny to begin with then he’s being unnecessarily horrible. If you’re shorter and the weight gain is very noticeable then I can understand that he might be less attracted to you, but if he loves you he should have worded it much more supportively and be helping you to lose it. He could have said something like “I’m worried about your health and would like to help you lose weight”.

MikeUniformMike · 28/12/2017 17:20

I think you'd be better off without him.

Original poster
Honeypink · 28/12/2017 17:37

He's come home from work telling me I should have gone to the gym as it would be quite at the moment, I said I would in ny, he told me to F off i'm being a dick apparently!

OP posts:
Indigo911 · 28/12/2017 17:39

He sounds lovely

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 28/12/2017 17:46

He isn't being unreasonable to no longer fancy you after that weight gain, and he's not necessarily wrong to be honest about it, but the way he's going about it is horrible. Also, it sounds as though you're incompatible on many things, so is it really a relationship you want to be in?

AlChris · 28/12/2017 17:47

He sounds awful. Like one of those people who will never be happy with what you do - their approval always lies just beyond reach.

If you want to lose weight, lose weight. If you don’t - don’t.

Dancinggoat · 28/12/2017 17:51

It's not your weight that's the problem from the way you're describing it. The weight is used as an excuse to argue , something to take frustration or unhappiness out on.
May be your relationship is going in different directions. You lived together very quickly by the sounds of it and he has gone from one relationship straight into another.
May be you need to talk to him about where your relationship is going. If it's coming to an end or can be worked on.
It's fine for a partner to be concerned and talk to you about a weight issue. But it needs to be done nicely. It's also understandable to not be attracted to someone who is large but you're still attracted to the person they are.

Brazenhussy0 · 28/12/2017 17:52

If I took a homeless divorcee with 3 kids into my home and heart, and then he turned round 3 stressful years later and basically told me I was too fat to have sex with, I'd be kicking him out sharpish.

Shoxfordian · 28/12/2017 18:24

He's rude

Quick way to lose 12 or so useless stone.....!

Isetan · 28/12/2017 18:42

Oh dear, this relationship has run its course and it probably ran it’s course a while back. He gets continued subsidised accommodation and you get to hide in a relationship, all be it a failing one. He’s no longer on his best ‘keep a roof over his head’ behaviour and feels free to be unkind.

The question isn’t ‘why is he being unkind?’ It’s ‘why are you putting up with this shit’? The good news, you totally can find out the answer to the latter but you do need to be honest with yourself about who he is and why you’re desperate to stay in this relationship.

SnowGlitter · 28/12/2017 18:58

Be honest with yourself. Is this a relationship that would have lasted 3 years had he not moved in with you so soon?

You say you love him. Do you? Or is it familiarity and, well, just what you think you should say? What do you love about him? What does he objectively do to improve your life? Is it simply that you don't want to be on your own or does your heart flutter with joy whever you see him?

KarmaStar · 28/12/2017 19:07

OP
Possibly you jumped too deep into this relationship too early and you both know that it wasn't a good idea.
Suggest he looks for somewhere else to live ,adding a time frame so he knows you are serious.
You can then either separate for good or strip the relationship back to the beginning and starting again with dates to see if you can build a relationship on love and friendship rather than necessity.
Once you have dealt with this you'll feel like a weight has lifted from your shoulders and you can begin your exercise and diet regime for you,not to please anyone else.
True love is unconditional and feels natural.
Stay strong,I hope the new year brings you lots of happiness and success🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

HipNewName · 28/12/2017 19:59

He needs to move out.

Tell him you just don't feel like him living in your flat any more since he is a twat.

It's over. It's been over for a while. I'm very sorry.

I'm also very sorry for your miscarriage and your illnesses. You've been through a rough patch. Things will get better.

number1wang · 28/12/2017 20:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/12/2017 20:03

If I took a homeless divorcee with 3 kids into my home and heart, and then he turned round 3 stressful years later and basically told me I was too fat to have sex with, I'd be kicking him out sharpish.

This too!

XiCi · 28/12/2017 20:34

He doesn't love you, that's the bottom line. If he did the weight gain wouldn't matter and he certainly wouldn't speak to you like you were a piece of shit
I'd be making him homeless again ASAP. He sounds a nasty piece of work

Teddybear99 · 28/12/2017 20:54

So you are not happy with him and it sounds like he is not happy with you. Why are you still together? It just doesn't make any sense

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