Feeling Trapped

[MarriedAlive]

There is a lot of crap I need to process here so thanks in advance for reading what promises to be a long and convoluted moan! ... OK, I am married with 3 kids (16,14 & 9). Two oldest are not DH's. All good kids but oldest and youngest have dyspraxia.

Problem 1:DH will not allow older ones to correct or speak out against youngest (his one and only) even when it is justified. He cannot or will not hear anything negative about her. I am accused of being critical and abusive when I get cross with her. I am expected to take sides against my other 2 kids when he gets angry with them even if he is in the wrong (I refuse to blindly follow but will back him if I feel he has a case). Problem 2: He is the sole earner, keeping us all as BioDad pays peanuts (50 per week in total) in maintenance. I get about 800 pounds per month from DH for all food, bills, petrol, clothes, dentist, vet etc. He pays mortgage, car service, insurance etc. I can't afford to take kids or myself out anywhere yet he takes out "his" child regularly for lunch at the weekend.
Problem 3: I do all household stuff from bins and bills to cooking, cleaning and diy. Despite his adamant insistence that he is doing plenty round the house he, frankly, does very little (and needs a medal when he does anything domestic) . Comes home from work, eats, disappears into office to work or whatever, retires for the night.
Problem 4: youngest being home educated having been utterly miserable at school and no hope of a place elsewhere until next year... And that not definite. Child much happier but I have no free time at all now. Can't even have a private phone call!
Problem 5: in separate rooms now for 2+ years. Even the odd quickie now a thing of the past as I have gone cold. I don't miss intimacy, he does.
Problem 6: I don't think DH realises how bad things are. I can't talk to him anymore as I just get told how wonderful my life is having everything paid for whilst he goes out to work.
Basically the whole thing is a mess. I want out but feel utterly trapped. Sigh.

Open a secret bank account. When you feel confident you have enough to manage alone until either benefits /cms sorted, then tell him you are filing for divorce. And do it. He is a pure twat. And twatism is unfortunately incurable.

He is a pure twat. And twatism is unfortunately incurable True dat!

Save your oldest two from permanent places .in the therapists chair all their lives by getting out. He’s horrible.

Plan it. Copy salary slips, bank statements etc.

Is your name on the mortgage or Deeds, or tenancy agreement?
What was your job? Can you rwturn to working if your youngest were to go to school in September?
Do you have family somewhere, and what is your relationship with them like?

Not horrible, Jux, just tiresome, impractical and blind. He is absolutely not a bad person (though possibly has "ownership issues") and probably believes he is doing his best for all of us. It's pretty toxic though as I have very little respect left and (shame on me!) don't help matters by letting a sharp tongue loose. House is jointly owned, jobs thin on the ground (arts), family great but I don't live near them. Separation will not be straightforward as it is unlikely to be by mutual consent and is subject to Irish law.

There must be other school places around? Even if you have to drive a bit, it has to be better than having zero free time. Get that sorted. Start saving. Get her back to school and go to work and save up. A friend of mine saved for 2 years to escape her ex. She’s never been happier. Met someone else,remarried, super happy...you don’t have a chance at that while you are stuck with him.

Chicken mom, we live in Ireland where more than 96% of schools are under Church management and priorities are given to kids of whatever denomination the BOM happens to be. Mostly Catholic. Inter faith and Church of Ireland are the schools of choice for the non-religious. DD is on waiting lists for 2 schools. I already drive an hour each morning and afternoon to get secondary school kids in (no bus available). Already saving like a maniac. Luckily everyone loves pasta!

Why is he not a bad person?

There’s no way on earth I’d feel happy having so much more money than my partner or not see all members in the family as equal.

I started this thread to try and get my head around stuff so thank you all for commenting! Joys mum, I kind of agree with what you said but I still maintain that it is blindness rather than deliberate nastiness.
He cannot see his treatment of kids as unfair. He thinks youngest needs to be protected (from what?!) He thinks eldest is jealous of him and youngest. This is utter crap and any weird jealousy is actually his. He has this odd indulgent look when he watches youngest (I think of Giuseppe and Pinocchio... "she's a REAL girl"). Sad. He treats her like a baby, she acts up to it and treats him like a performing seal. But to rest of us says she hates being babied.
The money thing really gets to me because, ultimately, it is power. Whether a power inequality is an accident of circumstance or a deliberate strategy is immaterial, the result is the same. If I need extra cash I have to ask (Xmas presents was a recent example). I will get my (small) credit card bill paid but, for me anyway, I find it degrading to have to ask. This makes me angry and resentful. If I want to get away to visit friends for a weekend I will have to ask for a sub. Again, degrading. I know how to push his buttons and get what I want but this too is degrading so I don't do it. One close friend thinks I am bonkers not to play him but it feels even more like being a "kept woman" if handing my body over comes into the equation.
It is a can of worms....

Blindness? Surely nobody is that stupid they can’t see equality when it’s pointed out to them. Then having had it pointed out and it continuing is purely down to that person choosing inequality because it suits them and they don’t value anyone else as equal to their wants.

Sounds pretty grim.
Had he ever truly given your eldest dc any of his time and love. He sounds very emotionally immature.
It seriously fucks kids up, the divide and conquer. If will fuck her up too! The golden child does not always win.

Have you actually sat down with him? Does he know what he's risking losing.

Why does your youngest have to be home schooled, that is quite extreme.

It sounds like everyone panders to him. But fundamentally does he just see you as a babysitter housesitter and the mother to his adored one, who annoyingly has 2 extras he begrudgingly has to deal with?

He knows exactly what he's doing. Money is power and he is using blithely while you make excuses for him.

Tell you what. If it's just unheeding blindness to the inequalities and the degradation his handling of money has brought about, sit him down and tell him, pulling no punches. If he's a good man he'll be appalled and will make changes immediately so that you have absolutely equal access; he will ask you to remind him when he slips into treating his dd differently, and when he next takes her out he'll take you all.

And that will continue.

Do you thing he'll do that?

Or do you think he might poo-poo your concerns, tell you he's not patronising and it's not degrading asking him for money, that he pays for whatever you want?

Well, it seems it is all coming to a head. Major shit storm yesterday which has gone everywhere unpleasant. I fessed up to no longer being in love. He thinks knows (following extensive Internet research) that I have a personality disorder...
A lot of stuff that cannot be unheard was said. The thing I wanted to know was why he is still here if I am such a nasty, deranged narcissist?
The tricky thing about this accusation is that if I talk about other people as being a source of discontent/frustration I am gaslighting and blaming others. If I talk about my own sense of frustration/unhappiness it is just "all about me".
Threatened to quit job and default on the mortgage, preferring all-out war where the only winners are the lawyers to a scenario where he has to hand over money. Oh, and he'll be keeping DD.
It was, ladies and gentlemen, QUITE an evening.

Still think he’s not a bad man?

I’m really sorry you’re going through this but you seriously need to get legal help, know your options, and plan a way out as quickly as you can for damage limitation.

Well they all say they’ll keep the children, but it doesn’t happen. They can’t be bothered with demands and boredom of child caring.

So, get your ducks in a row. Copy financial docs - bank statements, salary slips, investments, pensions, etc. Keep birth certificates and passports somewhere safe.

Find out how much you would be entitled to if you were a single parent (you pretty well are, anyway), and work out how you can manage on that. See CAB, they’ll help you navigate the financial minefield that is our benefits system. You may find you’re better off without him anyway. You might need to get a job, and dd have to go to school, but you could move to a different area and find somewhere she’s happy.

You can do it. You can free yourself and your children.

Sorry to hear op but better to get it out and do something positive I think.
He will not change his stance and you appear to be in a no win situation.
So do what's best for your children and yourself.
Good luck

Sounds like it's all come to a head, which may not be a bad thing in the long run.
Stay strong - you will get through this and be much happier.

How are you today, OP? 💐

Everything coming to a head seems to have unblocked some serious communication issues. Both of us have been feeling used and shut out. Both of us have been feeling like cornered rats. So, bearing in mind what a dear (older) friend once said, "sometimes the tide has to go the WHOLE WAY out before it can start to come in, we are going to try and start over. Not like we were when we met, but as the people we are now.
He cleaned the downstairs yesterday too! Small miracles...

I’m glad things are looking up OP. You must be exhausted! Would be be open to marriage counselling do you think? Might stop you both falling back into established patterns/roles

What’s he going to do about the fact he treats your oldest two different to the youngest?