Toxic sister in law

[acornfed]

My brother's wife is a very bad mannered woman. I think she is a Narc and feel I can see straight through her when the rest of the wider family can't. My brother, who I had close relations with up until he married her is under the thumb in a big way.

Over Christmas she completely ignored my husband and I despite us changing our plans so we could overlap with them. We have 3 small kids and ended up impacting on their Christmas just to keep the peace with my parents. She is very rude and clearly hates my husband and I. She ignored us in my own parents house which I thought showed a real brass neck. If another family member was present she would respond to us if we spoke to her. I really don't know who she thinks she is; she really did show her true colours.

The problem is is that my brother has married his mother - and there is quite a harem thing going on. It is fairly intolerable.

My sister in law is arranging a small birthday lunch for my brother 100 miles away and I am on the list to attend. After her performance over Christmas I don't want to drag my family into another toxic situation but I do feel a sense of obligation. If nothing else to keep my parents happy who are elderly.

If I don't go I would feed into her narrative that my husband and I are horrible people . If I do go I expose myself and my family to the toxicity again.

What to do? Please be kind!

It sounds as though she likes you as much as you like her.
If I were you, I'd go to your brother's 'do' for his sake. If more her behaviour.
But, I must ask because the don't understand -your brother married his mother and there's a harem?

Thanks Gazelda- this relates to the narcissistic family structure and these terms relate to that specifically

It sounds like a mutual dislike. What do you base your diagnosis on?

Sounds pretty mutual. I would also find it difficult to speak to someone whose hatred of me oozed from every pore so not sure what you want from her?

Reply saying you’ll go but cancel at the last minute with sickness and diarrhoea.

If I don't go I would feed into her narrative that my husband and I are horrible people

That's where they get us, isn't it?

The thing is, she (or anyone) can always draw on this and, bottom line, your responsibility is to yourself.

I would confront this issue now, whilst it's all still fresh. I would contact your brother with a succinct but gentle message. I would say that you've heard about the do and you'd really love to be there to celebrate with him but, as he knows, sil has a difficulty with you and you don't want to put yourself in another uncomfortable situation. Maybe suggest that you can meet up, just the two of you sometime to celebrate. Wish him well and leave it there.

I would go with the kids. It's not about her, you don't even really have to talk to her, it's about your DB. I'm sure you can manage to be civil for a few hours and presumably there will be other relatives/friends there who you can communicate with more and have a nice time. I wouldn't be arsed about what your SIL will think of you if you don't attend, I would be worried about what your DB thinks of you if you don't attend! I imagine he would be very hurt and understandably so.

When you say "you are on the list to attend", does that mean that you have been invited? If you have been invited, I think that you should go.

This is how you behave:

Be polite to her. If she responds, carry on being polite. If she ignores you, don't bother to carry on talking to her but talk to other people instead.

Try not to let it bother you so much. Your important relationships are with your brother and your parents. She can have a relationship with you if she chooses to, but if she chooses not to, that's her problem, not yours.