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Original poster

Christmas break-up due to his relationship with ex

23 replies

BearLeft · 28/12/2017 10:19

I broke up with the man I have been seeing for three years over Christmas.

In many ways he's lovvely but his relationship with his ex is uncomfortable.

She lives at the other end of the country and his youngest child lives with her. However, son is now 17 and is more interested in his girlfriend than hanging with his dad. Boyfriend still spends most weekends there and sleeps there. If his ex is away, I don't really mind that but when she isn't it makes me uncomfortable.

She also has a habit of calling him late at night. When she has problems in her own relationship, she confides in my now ex. Again, I don't like this.

On Christmas day, Ii heard nothing from him. He had told me he was going to be at his parents so assumed he was busy. Later it transpires he spent the whole of Christmas eve and Christmas Day at his ex wife's house. His other children are all grown up. It's as if they are still together and I don't think it's fair on me.

He can't see why I feel this way. Am I out of order for feeling so very uncomfortable?

It is made worse by the fact that, despite being seperated for eight years, they have never got divorced.

I think her partner is equally as unhappy with the situation but my now former boyfriend reacted very negatively to my feelings about the whole thing hence the split.

OP posts:
RainyApril · 28/12/2017 10:28

I can completely understand why this makes you uncomfortable, but I am in a similar situation so can see both sides.

If his ds lives a long way away he has the choice of collecting his son and bringing him to his own home, or staying at a hotel near his son's home, or staying in his son's home.

At 17, and with a gf, I am sure his son hates the idea of the first option and would prefer to stay at his own house.

If your ex and his xw have an amicable relationship, and it seems they do, then staying at the house rather than in a hotel saves a lot of money and allows ds to see his parents together.

Perhaps his ds hates the idea of an enforced jolly trip out, but likes hanging with his dad to watch a movie or play on Xbox or cook a meal together.

So I can see why it works, it works for us, and I don't necessarily think it means he still has romantic feelings for his ex, but I can see why you're unhappy with it so you were right to end it and find someone less complicated.

Original poster
BearLeft · 28/12/2017 10:44

Thank you, RainyApril.

I feel a little guilty because he is a really good dad and has been very involved with his four children whom he adores. I've met the youngest a number of times and he is a delight. I would never want to come between them.

However, it's the intimacy - rather than the amicability - that I struggle with. She regularly drinks and then calls him about matters not related to her son. It's the lack of boundaries I can't do.

His parents also live close by to his ex and he has a lot of friends locally who he could stay with. She travels a lot with her partner so, when she's away, I have no issue with him staying.

The whole of Christmas Eve and Christmas day, particularly when he'd told me he'd be elsewhere, just felt too much. Her partner is always included by the wider family. I've never been invited anywhere.

For example, one of his other boys got married last year. The ceremony was overseas and they had an informal celebration here. Mum's partner was invited but I wasn't.

I've never met his daughter in law properly so it wouldn't cross her mind to invite me. However, I feel that he should clearly make a 'statement' about having a partner he is commited to rather than still playing husband to a woman who is having her cake and eating it.

I have met her and she was fine with me. I don't think it's sexual. I just feel like she wants to feel top dog despite the seperation and that he is too weak to insist on boundaries.

I wish he'd been willing to compromise or at least discuss it with me but he was instantly dismissive and abrubt.

Still. New Year, new start, I guess!

OP posts:
RainyApril · 28/12/2017 10:57

I'm sorry it's happened this way. It does sound very over-familiar and it is wrong of him not to discuss or consider your concerns. You have done the right thing I think.

TheNaze73 · 28/12/2017 13:57

Different people do different things in different ways. Some will say he’s dodged a possessive bullet, others will say, they will totally empathise with you. All feelings other than yours are irrelevant as only you will know. Good luck Flowers

AnyFucker · 28/12/2017 14:01

It's not working for you. That is all you need to consider.

Find someone else with less baggage.

Original poster
BearLeft · 28/12/2017 15:02

Thanks all.

He isn't a rogue and I wish him no ill at all.

However, this baggage is too much for me.

We did speak briefly earlier and it was agreeable.

I want everything to be OK for him and his boys. I do need something a little less complex though.

Thanks again for actually reading and responding.

Bless you.

OP posts:
HoHoHoHo · 28/12/2017 19:04

He lied to you so he could spend the day hanging out with his ex. There is no excuse for that. You did the right thing ny ending it.

SandyY2K · 28/12/2017 20:25

You did the right thing. I'd have dine the same in your position.... but sooner.

KarmaStar · 28/12/2017 20:31

🌻🌻🌻 hello OP
Imo you have done the right thing for you.
He wasn't putting you first or considering how you felt.
I know how very hard it is,especially when he has so many good qualities.
You can look forward to a future without always worrying about what he is up to.
Wishing you lots of happiness and success in the New Year

Chocolate254 · 28/12/2017 20:36

I think you totally did the right thing op.

Snowman123 · 28/12/2017 20:39

How old are his children that he goes to visit OP?

Original poster
BearLeft · 29/12/2017 08:49

He's 17. His three others are all independent adults and live closer to my home and his place rather than her's. I do understand that Christmas is really the only time all his boys get together but he is there most of the time and stays at his wife's house on each occassion. To be honest, this seems to be more about going out with his mates than it does seeing his son as his lad is at his girlfriends at least 50 percent of the time. He told me yesterday that wife and her new partner were (as they often are) embarrassingly drunk throughout the whole of Christmas, with both falling over and sustaining injuries and generally being shameful. I know this is pretty regular for them but it begs the question, why stay there? I honestly think everyone would benefit from some extra space and boundaries. I'm almost certain her partner would prefer him popping over for the day on special occassions not staying for days on end. To be honest, I feel like a weights been lifted. It hasn't done wonders for my confidence all the way through and he really hasn't ever wanted to discuss my feelings which has told me all I need to know, really.

OP posts:
Littlelambpeep · 29/12/2017 08:53

You did the right thing op. Fair enough he wanted to be with his DC - totally respect that - but the deceit and the length of time overnight Etc. No - I wouldn't be on for it

Dozer · 29/12/2017 08:54

IMO you should’ve bailed out well before you did! The lying and being his ex’s “shoulder to cry on”: not on.

Snowman123 · 29/12/2017 09:45

I agree its an unusual set up. As you say, its unreasonable for him to stay there for days on end. If there were younger children then the situation would be much greyer.
As others have said, the situation isn't working for you, and you are now starting to feel the benefits of being free of it.
Good luck....I am certain there are better things out there for you :-)

Teatreedelight · 29/12/2017 09:50

You did the right thing. Don't dwell on it too much. Put it in the experience bank and call on it when similar positions show up in the future.

eloisesparkle · 29/12/2017 18:11

Best of luck OP.

Hermonie2016 · 29/12/2017 18:27

I wish he'd been willing to compromise or at least discuss it with me but he was instantly dismissive and abrubt

That's the reason to end it.Your emotions were valid and he should have cared enough to listen.You have done the right thing for you even if breakups are not easy.

Welldoneme · 29/12/2017 19:12

I would have ended it too, no way would I put up with that.

He’s a CF, ggod luck op x

Welldoneme · 29/12/2017 19:12

*good

Gemini69 · 29/12/2017 21:10

Clearly there is no room for anyone else in His life.. he's living as though he works away all week and goes home weekends...

let him Go... Flowers

Original poster
BearLeft · 30/12/2017 16:37

Thank you all. I know I've been a thing of convenience. However, he hasn't been that awful. He isn't a bad person in other respects. When he meets the right girl, he will be fine. Sadly, I'm never going to be the right girl. It is a shame and I feel very sad about it. However, this has been so helpful and kind and I thank you all x

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 31/12/2017 13:22

BearLeft

you will be okay lovely... Flowers

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